How to talk to children about wildfires, evacuations and losing a home

Nearly 180,000 people in Los Angeles County are currently under evacuation orders stemming from the Palisades, Eaton and Hurst fires in what is believed to be one of the most destructive natural disasters in Los Angeles history. As a result, thousands of structures — including homes — have been damaged or destroyed and many school districts impacted by the fires, like L.A. Unified, have temporarily closed.

For parents or guardians of children, this can be an especially daunting time — managing your anxiety while also making sure your kids' needs are taken care of.

Best practices in the moment

LAist spoke to Rebecca Hedrick, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, about suggestions for how to navigate conversations about the wildfires and evacuations:

Validate children’s feelings: Hedrick said adults should acknowledge feelings of sadness and anxiety.  After you've validated their feelings, she said, you can remind them that you are there to help keep them safe and there are plans in place.

Involve children in packing a go-bag: Even if you are not under evacuation orders, Hedrick recommended packing a go bag with a child to help them feel like they have agency. Ask kids if they would like to pack a favorite toy or book.

Limit exposure to media and social media: Images of the fires can be scary for young children and even teenagers, Hedrick said.

Maintain a routine: With school closures and recommendations to stay indoors, Hedrick said, it can be hard to maintain a routine, but doing so can help children feel like they have some agency. She recommended involving children in chores like preparing meals.

Give them a chance to express themselves: For children in that 4- to 7-year-old age group, Hedrick said, this could look like playing and enacting scenarios through play. For example, having a stuffed toy expresses how they’re feeling about the fires.  ”Give them an opportunity to help, to think of problem-solving solutions themselves,” Hedrick said. “This will help to decrease their sense of helplessness.”

Have young kids enact fire drills at home: Ask them questions about what they would do if they had to leave and where they could go so they have a sense of what plans are. Also enact a fire or evacuation as if children were in school or not at home so they know about plans in those instances.

With older children, discuss the causes of the fires, fire safety precautions and how to respond in emergency situations.

Strengthen a child’s friendships or peer support: Zoom play dates or show-and-tell virtually can help a child still maintain friendships and feel connected during a tragedy, Hedrick said.

We’ve lost our home. How do I talk to my child about that?

Dr. William Lacey-Bisetty, clinic director at the  Center for Connection — Santa Barbara, said adults can try to refocus what home is.

“ Home is this connection, this family, this community we have, and those things are going to maintain even with the loss of the material aspects of home, the physical space,” he said.

Some things you can do:

Don’t diminish the little things: Kids can focus on the little things they have lost like their toys and books or a favorite game. Allow them space to grieve and redirect when you have found some settling. “ Those are the things that really make kids feel connected and grounded in some spaces, and there's nothing wrong with that,” Lacey-Bisetty said.

Model coping methods for children: Hedrick said some people lean on religion and spirituality in moments like this and praying together is something you can do with children.

Creating avenues for expression: Start new routines where children can share answers to questions like five things they miss. Hedrick said adults should start these lists on the negative side and then progress to questions like five things they are thankful for. “ You want to give a voice to the fears, the anger, the sadness, so that there's a little bit more space in their mind and their heart to be able to open up to the more positive aspects of gratitude and hope,” she said.

Open dialogue: Dr. Sabrina Renteria, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center told LAist's AirTalk program that parents should ask children questions about what they understand. Children, she said, fill in gaps with their own imagination and sometimes might not grasp what happened. Having an open conversation and sharing age appropriate information can help dispel those myths.

I’m anxious myself. How can I help a child?

Adults will be anxious if they have had to evacuate or lost a home and it's important to accept it, Hedrick said.

“ It's important that the adult has some place somewhere to express their feelings first,” she said. “It's also important to use a healthy coping skill that we call suppression. It's different than repression. Repression is, ‘I don't have these feelings.’ Suppression is, ‘I am terrified. I am angry. I am in the most intense grief I can imagine, but I don't have time for those emotions right now.’”

Also forgive yourself, Hedrick said, if you find yourself projecting on a child. Apologize to them to model that it’s OK to be angry, frustrated or sad.

Find opportunities for play and joy, she said, like building a fort together, playing board games or tag.

“ These types of things are a lot more helpful in healing to the psyche and to preventing possible development of post traumatic stress or other types of anxiety disorders that will persist after the fires,” she said.

Renteria told LAist's AirTalk that people can go into shock and denial after large scale disasters. And once that subsides, they can experience " changes in their energy, sadness, crying, numbness, anger and irritability, rapid fluctuations in mood that they would normally not display."

Their mind can also manifest psychosomatic responses like headaches, stomach aches, chills or tremors.  

"What's very, very important, like putting one foot in front of the other and taking deep breaths, you need to find a way to calm your nervous system down," Renteria said. "What I typically will recommend for people who are experiencing trauma, anxiety, panic attacks, is to try to breathe."

 Eat, hydrate, avoid alcohol, tobacco, and drugs, she added, which can worsen coping over time. Calming music and gentle stretches can also help.