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Why I'd (Probably) Like To Visit L.A. For The First Time

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by Peter DeWolf

As a screenwriter I've been drawn to L.A. like a Hollywood starlet to a sketchy Greek shipping heir. For some reason I've thus far resisted the call. But, I have thought about what the trip would be like. And it would go a little something like this...

As soon as I arrived, I'd go straight to the Park Hyatt. (I'm an out of towner, how would I know where the cool spots were?) I'd toss my bags on my bed and head directly to the pool. The warm California sun would feel amazing on my pasty Canuck skin as I reclined and read Caprice Crane's Stupid & Contagious. My iPod would do it's part in my relaxing by blasting my California play list. Which, of course, would feature: Tupac and Dre's “California Love,” The Door's “L.A. Woman,” The Eagles' “Hotel California,” Phantom Planet's “California,” Joni Mitchell's “California,” The Beach Boys' “California Girls,” and Men Without Hats' “Safety Dance.” I... just really like that song.

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After an adequate time spent decompressing, I'd go out to do some shopping. To blend in, I'd don my old In n' Out Burger t-shirt and yellow Cal-Berkley baseball cap. I'm like Fletch and shit. I'd stop at Jamba Juice for a smoothie. Ethan Suplee would be in the line-up ahead of me. He'd let me try his smoothie before I ordered my own. He wouldn't even wipe off the straw afterwards. I'd decide that when I take over Hollywood, that there'd be parts for him in everything.