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Have you ever thought about how many meaningless numbers they blast you with on the morning news? This morning, Kent Shocknek of CBS Two intoned that at three-fifty-four, three rare pandas in China had given birth to four baby cubs. Now write this down, he said. In two days there were four births...the male cub was born at four point three ounces, the girl was just one ounce less. Aw, his milfy cohort chimed in, they were tiny. He sprayed her with more numbers in response.

What is this, some kind of weird Masonic ritual to brainwash us? It's like watching "They Live." It's like suffering Yom Kippur in a bingo parlor. What totalitarian depravity has led us to eat these meaningless numbers about pandas for breakfast? You can almost imagine Shocknek, this bush-league Goebbels, with the same grin on his face telling you that production is up four hundred percent in Oceania and oh, by the way, WAR IS PEACE.

We've always known in the back of our minds that local newsmen were aliens. But now to prove it, Kent Shocknek has his own blog, so rife with spelling errors and all the swaggering bullshit you expect from a local newsman that we can prove once and for all that these plastic-faced robots are without a doubt totally gooey extraterrestrials IRL. And contrary to the right rules of blogging, they'll take your comments, but they won't show 'em, which goes to prove that they ain't just aliens -- they ain't human, neither. Colleen, grab your shotgun.