Merry Mitchell Report Day!
It was the day of the Mitchell Report
And all through the house,
Not a ballplayer was boozing,
Not even Nancy, the louse
The lawyers were called from Sidekicks with care
In fear that St. George would soon be there.
The players were all fearful on their mistresses beds,
Visions of subpoenas dancing in their heads;
Bud in his kerchief, and Boras in his cap
Had just settled down for a post-Winter Meetings nap.
When out from DC they heard such a clatter
They sprang from their waterbeds to see what was the matter
Away to Public Relations they flew with a flash
Preparing outrageous denials, as if they had been smoking some hash
This wasn't the 80's, they weren't hiding ballplayers snow
They were ready to refute what gave their players their go
When, to their horror, what should a appear-
But 50-80 players, all using The Clear!
Just when it seemed baseball's reputation they could forge,
Came from the woodwork old St. George.
More rapid than eagles his claims came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name,
"Now,Clemens! Now, Pettitte! Now, Salmon and Barry!
On, Gonzo! On Sheffield! On, Mondesi and Jeremy (Burnitz)!
To the courts! To the congressional hall!
Now deny, deny, deny one and all!"
As speechless as a man who just swallowed a fly,
The fans looked to the ballplayers and asked, Why?
And boycotts and protests started to grow
Because of St. George, soon we'll all be in the know
But just as the pundits jumped in the fight, I heard
St. George yell through the night,
"Merry Mitchell Report to all, and to all clean players, good night!"
Note: I have no idea if the players above will be named (except for Barry, duh). But would you be surprised if any of those above were named? No. No you would not. I should also mention I have gotten drunk in honor of this report. God I love this city.
AP Photo by Mary Altaffer