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LAist's Mr. Negative Deciphers CNN/YouTube GOP Debate Answers

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Mr. Negative is tired of watching the GOP candidates pussy-foot around the hardcore questions that YouTube and CNN are dishing. Mr. Negative ain't stupid, he knows what you're really saying.

With immigration reform failing, will I have a job?

Yes, there are still openings at Wal-Mart...but they don't provide health insurance. Actually most corporations are moving towards eliminating all benefits for the working class. But $1.99 tube socks, you just can't fuckin' beat that!

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What measures will you take to tackle the national debt?

Call me old school conservative but I just have to say that there is no deficit that another war can't fix. War begets free oil, funneling oil money into select private interest groups begets wealthier wealthy people, wealthier wealthies begets the trickle down effect, the trickle down effect begets more $1.99 tube socks!

Will you pledge never to raise taxes?

Never say never, Anderson. Unless you are talking about raising taxes in which case I have to say never because to say otherwise would be GOP suicide. But I would look like an absolute tool if I was naive enough say "never," in which case I would opt to never say never again, which was just the dumbest fucking movie ever. I stand firm on that.

Will you pledge to veto amnesty for illegal immigrants?

I intend to not only veto illegal immigration amnesty, but also rescind all immigration visas since the Reagan era. While I'm at it, I want to take legal resident status away from all Natives, Norse, or Iberian descendants who were here before Columbus crash-landed on this continent. Let's just call it "trimming the fat off of both sides of the pork chop".

What are the federal programs you would cut?

Right off the bat: children's health care. Children are relatively healthy just like new cars, unless they are made in America in which case if enough of them spontaneously combust we will eventually issue a recall. I would recommend buying your children from Japan or Germany. Maybe Korea.

Will you eliminate farm subsidies?

Absolutely not Anderson Cooper, farms are the backbone of America. Farms need those subsidies to hire seasonal migrant workers to harvest stuff, kind of like the way the slaves did but we give them a little bit more money. Migrant workers use that stuff also to make $1.99 tube socks, and for that reason migrant workers are the backbone of the backbone of America. Therefore, America has a Mexican backbone, quod erat demonstrandum.

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How will you keep lead-laced toys out of my house?

The same way we keep lead bullets out of our schools -- we will mandate the installation of metal detectors onto all baby cribs currently on the market. We are well aware thanks to a study in Washington that since lead paint was banned in the 1980's, children's IQ's have risen an average of 3 points -- coincidence? You tell me. You think we're blowing this Chinese lead thing out of proportion, like we have some kind of Chineseophobia? Don't act like the Bird Flu didn't happen. Don't act like SARS didn't happen. There's a reason why we make Chinese people step in buckets of water at LAX, and it's not just the dead cockatoos. American safety is our #1 priority, Chinese dignity is #2. American dignity is a close 3rd. Finding other problems that buckets of water can solve is also in the Top 10.