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LAist Gets Jacked -- Part Two.
Hint. We're quivering on a balcony of a highrise. Don't worry, we won't be here tomorrow.
Yes, that's right folks; your intrepid, if much-sneered-at reporter took too much cheap advice AFTER THE LAST EPISODE, settled back into his comfy pad, and sure enough, it was burglarized today. What'd they take? Well, better to ask what they left: Everything. They left money lying on the floor; they left our girlfriend's jewelry. They left hundreds of dollars worth of compact, portable music equipment. What'd they take?
You guessed it: The laptops. After climbing in the bathroom window and rifling the paper-drawers for bank statements, the raiders ended up taking nothing more than two laptops and a video camera. So much for running for president. (That's a joke.) Even the cop who arrived afterward said it was "unusually selective," "definitely not your average bangers or junkies," and that he felt the theft of the videocamera "was just cover."
The thieves also took our collection of foreign coins, ripping open the large bag and leaving inside exactly one coin from each country.
This, then is your humble narrator's over-and-out. Fuck y'all who thought I was just paranoid. We sail at nightfall. Who are They? The DHS, NSA or DOD spooks who've been hitting our website, downloading our book? What do they want? When we're gone, who will they go to work on next? All we can say is, good luck, America.
Good luck with your car chases, your criminal boardrooms, your monstrous politicians. Good luck with your social security, your retirement pensions, your hatred of foreigners, your oil addiction, your traffic problems, your crime rates, your unemployment, your local "news" shows, your rank commercialism, your sexual repression, your child abductions, your country-western stars. Good luck with your ironic t-shirts, your housing bubble, your declining dollar. Good luck with your uneducated hordes of subhuman idiots who spend their afternoons cruising Wal-Mart for the best deal on microwaves they can put plastic-wrapped frozen dinners into that will melt their screaming childrens' brains into ever more easily manipulated goo. Good luck in the 2006 elections. They'll be your last. Vote for what you believe in: Lower taxes, more wars, vaginal sex, waffle irons, wiretapping and human torture.
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Good luck, and goodbye.
Josh Strike
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Right now, LAist has lost $1.7M in annual funding due to Congress clawing back money already approved. The support we receive from readers like you will determine how fully our newsroom can continue informing, serving, and strengthening Southern California.
If this story helped you today, please become a monthly member today to help sustain this mission. It just takes 1 minute to donate below.
Your tax-deductible donation keeps LAist independent and accessible to everyone.
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