Support for LAist comes from
Made of L.A.
Stay Connected

Share This

This is an archival story that predates current editorial management.

This archival content was written, edited, and published prior to LAist's acquisition by its current owner, Southern California Public Radio ("SCPR"). Content, such as language choice and subject matter, in archival articles therefore may not align with SCPR's current editorial standards. To learn more about those standards and why we make this distinction, please click here.


Oh, You Crazy Craigslist Sex Posts: The USC Grad, Now Producer, Not Getting Any

Support your source for local news!
The local news you read here every day is crafted for you, but right now, we need your help to keep it going. In these uncertain times, your support is even more important. Today, put a dollar value on the trustworthy reporting you rely on all year long. We can't hold those in power accountable and uplift voices from the community without your partnership. Thank you.

The rant starts off with a little resume building:

for the life of me, i can't seem to figure out what's going on here. i did all the things that i thought i was supposed to do to put myself in position to score ungodly amounts of hollywood poon. i got an undergrad degree in business from nyu. then i move to LA and complete the Peter Stark producing program at USC. while there i take full advantage of the networking and resume building connections that such an educational stint provides. i graduate and get a job with a major studio. i have a business card with my name on it. under my name is my job title. "producer."

It's not just about the job title. A report released today by Council on Contemporary Families, co-authored by a professor at UC-Riverside says men who do housework may get more sex, but we digress:
Support for LAist comes from
so where are the legions of young starlets aching for me to tongue-fuck their puckered brown-eyes?

And if you get those starlets, keep this in mind: another report that came out this week that surveyed sex therapists "found they thought an "adequate" length for sexual intercourse was from three to seven minutes; "desirable" from seven to 13 minutes; "too short" from one to two minutes; and "too long" from 10 to 30 minutes." But once again, we digress, back to the funny action:

i mean, look, when i was 15 i read robert evans' autobiography, "the kid stays in the picture." there i was, short, mildly chubby, pimple-faced, cursed with a hideous jewfro, unable to get even a nut massage from the homeliest looking humans at horace mann in possession of vaginas, but i figured that if portly, profusely perspirating gasbags like don simpson can have bitches cat-fighting over who gets to blow the next rail off of his diseased cock, certainly i can get laid modestly well if i became a producer.

The SARS line below is the best, it's like he watched TV and expected scenarios to work the same in real life. HBO's Entourage is real, but not that real:

now i go out to parties and clubs and tell women that i'm a producer and they look at me as if i told them that i have fucking SARS! every night ends with me cruising pornotube at 3am in search of just the right clip to sufficiently inspire me to rub one out into a goldtoe nylon sock. WTF?!

Originally posted on Craigslist yesterday afternoon. Thanks to the reader who submitted it.

Photo by Lush.i.ous via Flickr

Most Read