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Oh, You Crazy Craigslist Sex Posts: The USC Grad, Now Producer, Not Getting Any

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The rant starts off with a little resume building:

for the life of me, i can't seem to figure out what's going on here. i did all the things that i thought i was supposed to do to put myself in position to score ungodly amounts of hollywood poon. i got an undergrad degree in business from nyu. then i move to LA and complete the Peter Stark producing program at USC. while there i take full advantage of the networking and resume building connections that such an educational stint provides. i graduate and get a job with a major studio. i have a business card with my name on it. under my name is my job title. "producer."

It's not just about the job title. A report released today by Council on Contemporary Families, co-authored by a professor at UC-Riverside says men who do housework may get more sex, but we digress:
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so where are the legions of young starlets aching for me to tongue-fuck their puckered brown-eyes?

And if you get those starlets, keep this in mind: another report that came out this week that surveyed sex therapists "found they thought an "adequate" length for sexual intercourse was from three to seven minutes; "desirable" from seven to 13 minutes; "too short" from one to two minutes; and "too long" from 10 to 30 minutes." But once again, we digress, back to the funny action:

i mean, look, when i was 15 i read robert evans' autobiography, "the kid stays in the picture." there i was, short, mildly chubby, pimple-faced, cursed with a hideous jewfro, unable to get even a nut massage from the homeliest looking humans at horace mann in possession of vaginas, but i figured that if portly, profusely perspirating gasbags like don simpson can have bitches cat-fighting over who gets to blow the next rail off of his diseased cock, certainly i can get laid modestly well if i became a producer.

The SARS line below is the best, it's like he watched TV and expected scenarios to work the same in real life. HBO's Entourage is real, but not that real:

now i go out to parties and clubs and tell women that i'm a producer and they look at me as if i told them that i have fucking SARS! every night ends with me cruising pornotube at 3am in search of just the right clip to sufficiently inspire me to rub one out into a goldtoe nylon sock. WTF?!

Originally posted on Craigslist yesterday afternoon. Thanks to the reader who submitted it.

Photo by Lush.i.ous via Flickr