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Barney's Beanery Biatches

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As some of you may well know, I am embarking on Malingering's Marvelous March Madness Sports Bar tour, so I thought I'd hit up one of the usual spots: Barney's Beanery in Santa Monica.

Barney's has a few things going for it:

1) The mini chocolate bundt cakes with ice cream and chocolate syrup which are oh-so-delicious
2) Booths which allow you to hide out, have 3 TVs all to yourself, and complete control of the programming
3) A very extensive menu that stretches beyond the realm of bar food

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Unfortunately, it has a lot working against it as well:

1) It is on the Promenade so the tourist/moron factor is high
2) Those TVs in the booths are pretty small and usually result in people watching several different games so there is no unified cheering
3) The bar area is always packed with giggling jackasses who don't care much about sports

All of these were taken into account the other day when we decided to go into Barney's to try to catch the 4th quarter of a Suns game, and I sort of wanted a bundt cake. The women at the door asked if we wanted a table, and told us it would be a 30 minute wait. We decided that the game would likely be over by then, so we said we'd hang out at the bar. For those unfamiliar with Barney's, there is a bar area when you enter, and then you can either go up the stairs (this tends to be the asshole section) or down the stairs (this tends to be the tourist section) to the tables. We're standing at the bar area, and can't find any empty seats amongst the PINK asswriting and A&F t-shirt wearing douchebags. We also can't find the Suns game on any of the 10 TVs in front of us, even though it was the only NBA game on at the time and some of the TVs were showing the news or Married With Children reruns.

My friend goes to ask the extremely unhelpful and clueless Barney's staff to put on the Suns (it also had to be explained that this is an NBA team, and they play basketball, and yes, it should be on TV at a sports bar), and I see a bar table open up so I run over and before the Bud Light bottles are cleared. Friend comes back, we start flipping through the menus and then the hostess promptly arrives and tells us we can't sit there.

"You said you were going to the bar, this is a table."

"It's a table in the bar area, not a booth."

"It's a table."

"Last time I was here, this area was considered the bar."

(Rudely) "It's not. It's a table. You can't sit here." (Stands there annoyed until we vacate.)

This was extremely irritating, less so because of the complete inconsistency in the definition of "the bar" and this bitch's attitude problem, more so because I absolutely can't stand being spoken to like I'm a moron by a bleached blonde girl in a midriff-bearing Barney's tank top donning striped tube socks with Ugg boots. Could there be anything more insulting than this chick standing there rolling her eyes and sighing because a table is a table is a table and we don't seem to get it? Not at that moment, anyway.

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We left and made our way across the Promenade to Yankee Doodles. I hate their TVs because it's like watching the game through a campfire, but at least they seated us promptly without the irritated sighing of the Barney's Bitch and they weren't dressed like cheap whores. Oh, and they actually had a sporting event on their TVs. What a novel concept.


I now ask the assistance of all LAist readers, as I need some westside sports bar suggestions for my March Madness tour. If you can't give a suggestion, please don't leave a comment like, "Barneys that place sucks there are a million betters bars u should check out" because this is not helpful. Thanks.

Yes, this crappy photo was taken by me as well. Get over it.

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