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Arts and Entertainment

The Shiny Sparkly LAist-CS Rankings

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All of us who care about college football here in the marble-lined halls of the LAist headquarters always have a case of head-explody once the BCS rankings come out. "Oh hell no," some say. "EAST COAST BIAS," others yell in pure hackneyed apoplectic shock.

So I decided that those of us on the staff here at LAist would submit our top 16 picks, put it through machines known to give Kafka wood and publish our own rankings in determining the supposed national champion at the end of the season. (Actually it's just me, Adam Rose and Andy Sternberg persumably all in our underwear taking a second out from watching online German transvestite bondage porn to rank these teams. Did we even watch any of the games?)

The winner will receive nothing, and all other teams will just be jeered until they are reduced to using their tears to masturbate.

So here are the inaugural rankings:

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1. Alabama, (7-0, 4-0 SEC) 48 points, Unanimous first place. - It didn't take a big homecoming win over South Carolina to hold out this week, as the rest of the nation's elite all lost, escaped, or played lackluster opponents. - Adam Rose.
2. Florida, (7-0, 4-0 SEC) 44 points
3. Texas, (6-0, 3-0 Big 12) 42 points
4. USC, (5-1, 2-1 Pac-10) 38 points
5. Iowa, (7-0, 3-0 Big Ten) 33 points - The way the 2-5 teams came out were not how any of us voted. What's actually disturbing is how the 1-4 spots look exactly like the AP poll. - Jimmy
6. LSU, (5-1, 3-1 SEC) 32 points - Geaux Tigers! Sorry. I lived 20 miles outside of Baton Rouge until I was eight, so for some reason I have a link to the Bayou Bengals. - Jimmy
7. Boise State, (6-0, 1-0 WAC) 28 points - The polls are overrating Boise State just because they haven't lost. With one quality win (Oregon) and an unimpressive performance against Tulsa, you have to wonder if they can finish undefeated. Then you look at their schedule and realize that's what any halfway-decent team should do. - Adam
7. Miami (FL), (5-1, 2-1 ACC) 28 points - One loss, relatively early, against one of their four consecutive ranked opponents? So far, so good.- Adam
9. Cincinnati, (6-0, 2-0 Big East) 26 points - Wait a minute! Who the hell put a Big East team here in these rankings? - Jimmy
10. Oregon, (5-1, 3-0 Pac-10) 21 points - If you're going to lose, lose early. Then manhandle every other opponent without your best player. If a certain tailback returns in a couple weeks, the Ducks have a puncher's chance at BCS glory. - Adam
11. Georgia Tech, (6-1, 4-1 ACC) 18 points
12. Penn State, (6-1, 2-1 Big Ten) 16 points
13. TCU, (6-0, 2-0 MWC) 14 points
14. Virginia Tech, (5-2, 3-1 ACC) 10 points
15. Oklahoma State, (5-1, 2-0 Big 12) 7 points
16. Ohio State, (5-2, 3-1 Big Ten) 2 points

Also ranked: Kansas (1 point)

Like I said it's almost sickening how exact to the AP poll our top four teams are. Actually the only team on the AP poll who's not in the LAist-CS is BYU. Which leads me to question. As much for our disdain for the AP, Coaches and BCS polls, are we influenced by them. I think this will be a week of soul searching for us.