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NFL Quick Recaps: More Snow than Hollywood Can Snort

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I know I’m about as consistent as the Lakers in doing these things. So here are my quick takes of all of the Sunday games.

There’s a quarterback who breaks records, a team that finally does something with a kick off, a team that will not live in infamy and a bunch of ugly games that made me really happy to be huddled in my bed with the heater on.

Cleveland Browns over Buffalo Bills 8-0. When the season began, I don’t think anyone noticed this game much less think this would determine which team would go to the playoffs. There was one brilliant play in the game which came when Bills punter Brian Moorman had the ball sail over his head deep in Bills territory in the second quarter. Rather than scramble for the ball he kicked it out of the end zone which resulted in a safety. That play allowed the Bills to stay within a touchdown throughout the entire game.

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Miami Dolphins over Baltimore Ravens 22-16 (OT). I haven’t seen a celebration after a victory quite as jubilant as this one. The win drove Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga to tears after hinting at selling the team over the last couple of days. I guess that’s what happens when a team gets their first win after 15 weeks in the season. But let’s not get too carried away. They’re still a bad team. But they might be a bad team to defeat the Patriots next week. By the way, what the fuck happened to the Ravens?

New England Patriots over New York Jets 20-10. Spygate, schmygate. I really expected this game to be a bit more dynamic. But I guess the weather dictated otherwise. What I’ve noticed lately is that the Patriots are starting to play down to the competition. This is the third straight bad team they’ve played (Eagles, Ravens and Jets) where they had a little trouble squashing. I’ve had this gut feeling for over a month now, but I really think the Dolphins will beat them. Or maybe I should lay off the glue.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers over Atlanta Falcons 37-3. In their 32nd season, the Bucs have finally achieved something that has come fairly easy to their former division foes Chicago Bears. The Bucs have finally scored a kick-off touchdown after 1,865 attempts. Even with their good teams in the late 90s and early 00s, they have never done this. Very shocking. And the Falcons. I actually do feel bad for them. Their punk of a head coach turns yellow on them and decides to start chanting "Pig-Sooie!" to a bunch of Ozark hillbillies. What would the Designing Women think of this?

San Diego Chargers over Detroit Lions 51-14. A little more than a month ago, everyone was marveling at the Lions being 6-2 and the Chargers floundering around. Boy do things change. The poles are not reversing, and the Detroit Lions ARE bad. All the prayer in the world that Jon Kitna does will not remedy it. Speaking of remedies, can someone recommend him to a dermatologist? His face looks in worse shape than a road in Baghdad. And while we're on that, tell him to shut his mouth when saying his team will win 10 games. As Nancy Reagan so effectively put it, JUST SAY NO.

Green Bay Packers over St. Louis Rams 33-14. Congratulations to Brett Favre for breaking Dan Marino's record for all-time passing yards. Congratulations to the Packers for clinching a first-round bye in the playoffs. Congratulations to the Rams for... Well they showed up I guess.

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New Orleans Saints over Arizona Cardinals 31-24. It's amazing how good the Saints look with Reggie Bush on the bench. Aaron Stecker ran some hard yards while allowing Drew Brees to abuse the Cardinals secondary. They still have a shot at the playoffs, but it's about as distant as the WGA strike coming to an end anytime soon.

Tennessee Titans over Kansas City Chiefs 26-17. The Chiefs aren't that great, but they made a good first half showing against the Titans. Titan quarterback Vince Young had a good game with a 109.6 passer rating, but that only brings it up to 66.9 for the season. I know it usually takes a quarterback several seasons to get used to the pro ranks, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now. But he needs to realize the option is not an option. For realz yo.

Jacksonville Jaguars over Pittsburgh Steelers 29-22. This is a tale of two teams going in opposite directions. The Jaguars are getting stronger running on the shoulders of running back Fred Taylor into the postseason. The Steelers though are floundering around backing into the second season. The Steelers need to watch out or they might end up ceding the AFC North to the Cleveland Browns. Say what?

Carolina Panthers over Seattle Seahawks 13-10. When Steve Hutchinson left the Seahawks for the Minnesota Vikings, everyone knew the Hawks running game would suffer. But when former MVP running back Shaun Alexander rushed only for 17 yards on seven carries, it was just outright pitiful. Granted even though they lost the Seahawks clinched the NFC West. But like I said before, you don't want to back into the playoffs.

Philadelphia Eagles over Dallas Cowboys 10-6. Memo to Tony Romo: Keep you vaginas away from the game. Yes Jessica Simpson attended the game, and Tony Romo injured his thumb on his throwing hand. Sorry Jessica, now he can't double finger you. Wait. Is that even possible? C'mon straight guys. Y'all would know, right?

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Indianapolis Colts over Oakland Raiders 21-14. The Colts are quietly having a 12-2 season. Well as quietly as one can have one that is. This one was a struggle for the Colts who trailed for a bit in the second half. But they got it done and have won at least 12 games in the last five seasons. Pretty impressive, eh? Another impressive performance was ex-USC running back Justin Fargas for the Raiders. With his 89 yards, he got his first 1,000 yard rushing season.

Washington Redskins over New York Giants 22-10. I almost changed my mind on this pick after remember that Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell would be out of the game. But then I remember it's late in the season, and the Giants usually tank it right about now. Was I right, or was I right? Apparently Jeremy Shockey broke his leg during the game, but I went and saw Juno instead.

So that was the day in football. This is not even counting the games that happened on Thursday and Saturday that was broadcasted on that channel that no one gets.

As for the Monday night game featuring the Chicago Bears at the Minnesota Vikings, I really had to think about this. Everyone is heaping praises on the Vikings. Oh they run the ball so well with Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor. Oh quarterback Tavaris Jackson is getting better and better. That's why I'm picking the Bears to win it.

Actually I lie. I'm picking the Bears to win it all because they are starting the bestest quarterback in all the land. KYLE ORTON!!!!!!!!! Ok so he might not be the bestest quarterback but most definitely is the funnest. So on the fun factor alone, the Bears will win.

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AP Photo by Lynne Sladky