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Arts and Entertainment

National Novel Writing Month Isn't For Normal People

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If you watched the NY Marathon, you'd have seen Lance Armstrong, who can scoot his bicycle up the French Alps, nearly die trying to run 26 miles. He had a team of people giving him fluids and advice, he had all the best trainers, he had astrologers, he had memories of Sheryl Crown and Ivanka Trump dancing through his head, and he still nearly passed out.

Writing 1,666 words a day wont kill you, but we're starting to feel mentally drained. The creativity is chaffed and just wants to be left alone. Occassionally you'll run into a woman who really loves sex. Of course she tells you this at 5am after youve been wining and dining her since 8pm, drunk with her since 9pm, and naked with her since midnight. 5am is no time to inform someone that she is getting her second wind.

Your mighty sword will look back at you and say, "dude you two can do whatever you want, but I'm going to sleep." That's what your creativity says to you after 8,000 words.

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But all its saying are the speeches written by the devil, who doesn't want you to succeed. Who doesn't want you to go in there and get seconds, or thirds, in some cases. And who definately doesn't want you to be able to say on November 30th, bitch look what i did.

So when you see those tshirts, theyre not for women, they're for demons.

"Right On Bundy"

chpt 4, chpt 3, chpt 2, chpt 1

so there we were back together again. there i was with a girlfriend again. whenever i was without a girlfriend i desperately wanted one, but then when i got one i would feel like shit did i commit too early.

lets go to vegas she said.

you hate vegas.

lets go to ireland.

we cant go to no ireland.

lets go to san francisco.

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we drove her honda up the 1 through santa barbara, san luis, and pulled over at half moon bay in the middle of the night. it was rainy and crappy and a little bit cold. it was december, what did we expect?

there werent many hotels in half moon bay which surprised us for some reason and i got out of the car and ran to the door to avoid the rain.

id like a room please

im sorry but we're all sold out except for the master suite.

aw crap, all ive got is $100, your suite is probably way more than that huh.

the dude said yeah.

i pulled my wallet out and i was all "20, 40, 60, 80, 100 look how happy they seem here. look how this money wants to live here forever."

the young guy laughed. he looked to be in college also, except there werent no colleges out there. he was probably the owner's son. or boyfriend, who knows.

"youre gonna stay up all night to maybe rent out that room for forty bucks more and maybe not at all? look how much its raining out there. people arent driving any more. no one wants to drive from frisco to here tonight. and anyone crazy enough to keep going through santa cruz is gonna take the 5 north, not the 1, not now.

"please take me", one of the 20s said.

"it's a $100 more for the suite."






you cant go backwards.

customers always right, heck i can leave if i want. 19.


20 and youve got a deal.

fine. and we went to the room and it was huge. and it had a fireplace. something we hadnt even conceived of.

its so romantic, tony, mmmmm said with a crazy look on her face. it was only midnight, was she that moved by the whales we saw in SLO?

she excused herself to the bathroom and i put the sodas in the little fridge and she came out and said, "that explains why i felt so weird. im perioding!"

it appeared that no matter what age woman i dated, every single one of them was surprised by every single one of their cycles coming to an end.

i mocked her: hey whattya know, its my period. same one ive gotten for years. same one that comes every month. same one that makes me a little crazy right before takeoff and then theres turbulence and then once cruising speed is hit, alls well.

she threw a semi soiled pair of panties at me, but i just took a deep breath and overdid the amazing aroma of my 20 year old girlfriend. or did i?

we held each other in that room and kissed standing up. very faintly we could hear the waves crashing outside down beneath the cliffs. or was that cars speeding by on the wet highway.

or was it demons sighing. unable to stop a good thing.

take a bath with me.


what do you mean ewwww?

fucking tomato soup is what that tub is gonna be like.

nuh huh.

she drew a bath in the big tub. she took off the rest of her clothes and put on the robe as i started the fire, which wasnt hard thanks to the gas flames that appeared with the click of a wall switch. i tossed some logs on the flames and we were in business.

mmmm laid on her belly and rolled a joint.

at 20 i could get hard for the strangest reasons. but that wasnt a strange one. hot chick with marroon hair and super pale skin naked under that robe, rolling a doobie ontop of a Spin magazine.

i pulled my wood out and stroked it and waited for her response.

all the lights were out except for the little bit of light peeking out from beneath the bathroom door, and the yellows and oranges flickering from the fire.

i stood there 30 feet from the bed, close to the fire tugging at it as she made the perfect spliff.

what are you doing over there? she said. youre so quiet.

im checking your shit out, i said.

oh i took out my contacts, i cant see anything, she said. suddenly turning my little joke on its ear. come here!

and i bounded to the bed snuggled next to her and as she lit the jay i jumped back off the bed to her furrowed brow which said, "i cant talk now cuz im inhaling, dont leave me."

but a black man needs music at all time, so i skipped over by the door and plugged in the boom box i always travled with and put on one of her favorite tapes, the cure's pornography. and slow motioned my way back to the bed.

in those days we didnt know that if you put a black light to the bed spreads of even the fanciest motels youd see remnants of semen and blood all over the spreads, since they arent washed nearly as much as the sheets are. we just laid on top of them like silly little monkeys oblivious to the perils of the jungle and passed the dutchie.

and kissed.

at some point one of us remembered that the tub was filling and being the gentleman i jumped up and caught it before it overflowed. i had no idea how the bears had done and i was dying to turn on the tv, but we had such a nice little vibe going on with the cure and the fire and the water, and the weed, and the girl, and the boy, and the waves, and the rain that i didnt really think that football had much of a chance in the mix.

please come in the tub with me. just for a few minutes.

and we agreed that if i got in first, and then she got in with her back to me, i could hold her as she bathed and maybe it would be less gross for my sensitive nature.

the bathroom was way too bright, and then way too dark when we turned off the light. so i brought the boombox into the bathroom and its blue read-out was perfect and we totally melted into the vibe.

after a while the water needed a little more temperature but the water was too loud, and we were finished anyways so we got out and i dried her next to the fire as it crackled and sent shadows around the room as thunder cracked outside and the waves splashed against the rocks.

if all of this is over tonight in the middle of the night, like if a lightening bolt the size of zeus's comes down and splits this hotel in half and we go crashing into those rocks and splatter, just know that im ready, cuz tonight has been amazing.

mmmmm laughed and sorta agreed and we spooned and didnt move all night.

except for around 4 in the morning when my cock decided it had been a virgin long enough and tried to slip into the warm girl laying right up against us.

but then everyone fell back to sleep again and we woke up on a cloudy morning. mmmm's favorite.

the reason she wanted to go to ireland was because she loved drama and glamour and nature and music. the thunder and the rain and the green grass and the grey clouds are things she lived for. she hated the sunshine of zuma. shed be out there in her bikini occasionally with her ridiculously slutty friends, but simply for social reasons.

she was a social tanner.

who never really tanned.

so anyways she was loving the rain and the clouds and as we drove up to the city the clouds parted and san francisco was freshly scrubbed and now ready to dry off. my boner attempted to make another appearance so i removed my hand from mmmm's thigh and kept driving trying to think of joe morgan's arm snap, or the number of boogers that are probably inside the average human nose.

we drove around and it was gorgeous. frisco can be totally beautiful when it wants to be, and when it doesnt want to be its still prettier than it should be.

checked into the crowne plaza which for some reason was only $99 a night and when we got to the hotel mmmmm said she was sleepy.

"can i just take a super quickie nap?" she asked.

of course hot chick, i'll just walk around union square and see if i can find a churro cart.

"you want a churro?"

i do.

well i need some stockings for my little outfit tonight. would you get me a pair at macy's across the street there?

sure, i said and kissed her on the forehead.

and get me a churro too!

little did i know that the macy's was huge. and also little did i know that dudes worked at the stockings counter. gay dudes.

and little did i know that i would feel gay asking for stockings from a gay dude in a gay city. but i did.

i need some stockings for my girlfriend.

how tall is your girlfriend?

about as tall as me.

uh huh.

how much does she weigh?

about the same as me.

i was super skinny back then. stomach problem.

and then suddenly i realized that he might think that i was buying them for myself!

and how big is your girlfriends ass? about the same as yours?

the answer was yes, but in order not to make it sound like i was buying these for myself i said, well a little bigger.

although now i was suddenly the girl in the relationship, buying my man some stockings.

and -

can we just buy the stockings now please?

to which the man smiled at me and charged me $20 for a packet of stockings and when i got outside the air hit me and i shivered from all the sweat i had produced.

so i walked back to the hotel and forgot about the churros.