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LAist Armchair Quarterback Week 5: What Have We Learned

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With week 5 done in the NFL season, what have we learned so far?

Thing learned the first: Norv Turner really isn’t that great a head coach. Granted they beat the Chicago Bears in week 1, but to lose to the Kansas City Chiefs who still have a question at quarterback is inexcusable.

Thing learned the second: Rex Grossman is bad. True the ole ball coach Steve Spurrier named him Sexy Rexy, but he’s not in Florida no more.

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Thing learned the third: Any who says they know what will happen in the NFL is shitting you. Who would have predicted Detroit, Washington and Green Bay would have winning records at this point in the season? Who would have predicted the Cleveland Browns would score 51 points in just one game? Did they even score 51 points all season last year?

Thing learned the fourth: Teams that win the fourth quarter generally tend to win the game. In the 76 games so far there have been 12 ties in the fourth quarter. In the other 64 games, 49 of those teams that won the fourth quarter went on to win the game. Best example was Monday night's game. Dallas outscored Buffalo 12-0 and went on to win the game.


Tennessee Titans over Atlanta Falcons 20-13. Well this wasn't a surprise by any means. But the Titans turn the ball over five times and still won the game! If this doesn't convince anyone the Falcons are horrible, I don't know what will.

Jacksonville Jaguars over Kansas City Chiefs 17-7. Former UCLA and current Jaguar running back Maurice Jones-Drew did his best impersonation of Chiefs back Larry Johnson. He ended up going 82 yards on nine carries for a touchdown (for which he ran for 52 yards). Larry Johnson meanwhile was held to 12 yards on nine touches. Yup. Johnson is worth that new contract.

Arizona Cardinals over St. Louis Rams 34-31. I predicted Arizona to win, and thank heavens the two quarterback experiment is done. Matt Leinart broke his collarbone leaving injury prone Kurt Warner to start for the Cardinals. Perhaps they should suit up Brenda Warner. As for the Rams, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope Georgia Frontiere is enjoying this ride.

New England Patriots over Cleveland Browns 34-17. This game showed the Patriots have a lot of inconsistencies. They only won the game by 17 points.

Carolina Panthers over New Orleans Saints 16-13. The Panthers are now stuck with David Carr at QB with Jake Delhomme out for the season undergoing Tommy John surgery. But glory be to God the Aint's are back! And they'll be our next Monday night game. This should be fun.

New York Giants over New York Jets 35-24. In a match over whose fans smell the worst, the Jets gave that title to their fans while stinking it up themselves on the field. Well the Giants didn't fare very well either despite the score.

Pittsburgh Steelers over Seattle Seahawks 21-0. I don't know what to make of either team. While I'd love to say the Seahawks are overrated, judging by their division they have a good chance of making the playoffs. As for the Steelers, they sort of have an offense and their defense is somewhat there. I don't know, but they are in another weak division.

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Washington Redskins over Detroit Lions 34-3. Oh those Redskins. They like to make a show of it at the beginning of the season only to completely tank it towards the end. Wake me up in December and let me know where the Redskins stand. As for the Lions, just another Lion loss. Ha!

Houston Texans over Miami Dolphins 22-19. Once the Dolphins go 0-16 I'll break out the champagne.

Indianapolis Colts over Tampa Bay Buccaneers 33-14. It really was nice of the Bucs to show up for the game, but at this point it looks like the Colts will be unstoppable. That is until the Patriots come to town.

San Diego Chargers over Denver Broncos 41-3. Last year Marty Schottenheimer fed the ball to LaDainian Tomlinson, and the Chargers went on to a 14-2 record. With Norv Turner at the helm this season, he decided it would be best to throw the ball. This resulted in a 1-3 record. Against the ailing Broncos, Turner gained his senses and fed Tomlinson and his backup Michael Turner (no relation) the ball. The results speak for themselves. With a weak division, they should still be able to pull out the division if Norvie doesn't completely fuck it up.

Baltimore Ravens over San Francisco 49ers 9-7. Even that one Texas Rangers game against the Baltimore Orioles had more scoring than this (the Rangers won 30-3).

Chicago Bears over Green Bay Packers 27-20. While I'm so very happy the Bears won, I'm upset at the same time since I picked them to lose the game. It cost me the win in my pool at work. Fuckers. Also must we still be subjected by John Madden? I know he was good way back when, but now dementia has crept in.

Dallas Cowboys over Buffalo Bills 25-24. When a team overcomes six turnovers, two of which were returned for touchdowns, and a kick-off returned for a touchdown and still win the game, it just shows how bad the opponent is.


1. New England Patriots. They're still the top of the class in the NFL. They do everything as close to perfectly as possible, and the look invincible. But they will face a stiff test at Dallas this weekend.

2. Indianapolis Colts. Marvin Harrison is out of the line up? No problem! Joseph Addai is out? No problem. It might have taken a possession or two for the offense to reclick, but once they did nothing could stop them.

3. Dallas Cowboys. Yeah they almost lost to the Bills, but that could be more of them looking at this week's matchup against the Pats.

4. PIttsburgh Steelers. After the top three, there's a pretty steep drop off to #4. Speaking for four, the are #4 in points scored with 132.

5. Green Bay Packers. The Bears exposed the Packers lack of a run game. If they have any notion of getting deep into the playoffs they better find it.


28. Buffalo Bills. They have showed moxie in their games against the Jets and Cowboys, but they don't have what it takes to win a game.

29. New Orleans Saints. Ok. I know I'm joking about how they're the Aint's again, but at least they're not the Falcons. By the way, is it too early to rename Reggie Bush "Reggie Bust"?

30. Miami Dolphins. They don't got no offense. They don't got no defense. They don't got no special teams. They don't got no coach.

31. St. Louis Rams. I wonder if they still wish they had Mike Martz.

32. Atlanta Falcons. Oh they're still in the NFL?

AP Photo by Don Heupel