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In today's installment of us being complicit in the promulgation of questionable viral videos, we are here to report that an awful guy on a hoverboard went on a crazy pre-dawn rant at a gas station in West Hollywood early Sunday morning. "Tostitos Tyler," as he has been dubbed for the time being, appears atop a red hoverboard in shorts, sandals and a flannel shirt, horrendously berating the gas station attendant, who is at least—luckily—in a glass-walled booth. Over the course of the five minute video uploaded to Reddit, we see the hoverboarding monster screaming for spaghetti, Tostitos and a s'mores Pop-Tart, all while reminding the viewer of the very worst humanity has to offer in profanity-laden bursts.
"You just gotta quit the attitude," he repeatedly screams, which is arguably the very nicest thing "Tyler" has to say. "Why are you arguing with me? I am the f***ing customer," he spits. "I come up here calm as hell, asking you to do something and get something for me and you roll your f***ing eyes at me."
Shit gets even crazier when "Tyler" decides that his assorted snacks aren't being brought to the window fast enough.
"Oh my god, oh my god, that one," he shrieks. "I need that one, and I also need a Pop-Tart. A s'mores Pop-Tart. Right over there! It's right there [pointing], s'mores! The one Pop-Tart right there," he screams while clapping his hands at the poor guy behind the window. "The last thing I need is a bag of Tostitos," he screams, beginning a Tostitos-centered monologue that goes on far longer than anyone could have guessed.
"To-stee-toes," Tyler bellows, annunciating the word in a manner that sounds an awful lot like a syntactical Lo-Lee-Ta reference (though we all know that can't possibly be true).
"Corn tortilla chips. TOSTITOS. Wow, dude. How do you even work here? No, f***ing Tostitos corn chips! You see where it says Tostitos on it? Don't tell me that's why man, you don't know how to read, man."
Things get even darker around the 3:34 mark, when "Tyler" begins to insinuate that this banter is a nightly occurrence. We would like to think that this is just a single terrible moment where an otherwise not-evil guy is treating a person sub-humanly because his mom just died, or some other tipping point that we'll never know. But what if this is instead something that Tyler does every night? How do we, as human beings, make sense of that reality? Will Jon Ronson give us the answers in his follow-up to So You've Been Publicly Shamed? Only time will tell.
"You do this every fucking night, like I'm an asshole," Tyler continues. "I come here calmly asking you to do things and then you roll your eyes at me... Don't fucking call me your friend. I already talked to your boss about you. You're disrespectful at night. You don't do your f***ing job, you walk around take your time and you roll your eyes at people... You have an attitude, on top of that you can't read." And it continues.
"Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot," Buster Keaton once said. But what of a shaky, portrait mode video that has a few easy laughs, along with dark truths about the brutality of man? These are the questions of our time, lol.
[h/t New York Daily News]
