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Home Alone for the Holidays

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The evidence. Photo by Emily Lerman / LAist.

The holiday season is a time for reflection. We’ve all been fortunate enough to make it through another year relatively unscathed; sometimes we stick out our hands to help those around us, and sometimes the hands reach out for us, but any way you look at it, there’s a lot that we’ve all done for each other, and ourselves. so when you finally sit down to relax this season, really try to reflect.

Or get drunk and watch Home Alone. That’s a good plan too.

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And we don’t mean like ‘ooh, I’m sipping some spiked egg nog’ drunk. Get ‘fall out of your chair, yelling quotes from the film at the top of your lungs, debating the do-ability of older brother Buzz, and experiencing childlike wonderment when John Candy steps on screen’ drunk. After all, what better way to reflect than with one of the quintessential holiday films of any generation. No matter where you are in your life, it’s time really get your game face on, and start drinkin’ with Macaulay, The Wet Bandits, and that one scary-ass tarantula.

Below is a play by play analysis of the film Home Alone by drunk LAisters, Emily Lerman and Farley Elliott, who performed the exact procedure mentioned above. All of the live blogging for this event was done while intoxicated, and presented in the same format (with all of the original errors), for your enjoyment. Hopefully you can follow along, and just maybe a few of our pearls of intoxicated intelligence will resonate with you this season. Either way, we recommend you break out some of grandpa’s old cough medicine and give this one a go for yourself.

Presented in chronological order:

So the audio is really off in this DVD version of the film. Macaulay Culkin is about a full second behind in between his lines and when we actually here him.

Old man Marley makes his first appearance as the creepy snow shoveler who also carries out trash cans. What a role to play.

Why would Joe Pesci as a cop just be hanging out inside the foyer for no reason? It doesn't make any sense, but no one is questioning it. OH! It's Christmas time and he wants to make sure people are taking the 'propere precautions'. Meanwile the pizza guy needs $122.50, plus tip. Should be interesting.

Mkauley Culkin just tackled the fat kid. Apparently some foreshadowing with a passport in the trash can. "Say goodnight Kevin." "Goodnight Kevin."

HOW HOT IS CATHERINE O'HARA?! OOOOOOOh, the glint in the teeth of Joe Pesci. That's fucking foreshadowing, Columbus.

"I hope I never see any of you jerks again." DUN DUN DUN.

Four stars and two blue stipes on a flag. I'll have to Wikipedia that.

Oh shit. Kevin is alone. AND HE DOESN'T EVEN REALIZE IT.

Crazty forshadowing with the furnace. We'll see where this takes us.

"I madd my family disappear.." Fuck dog, you're on your own and what not.

Kevin found some Playboys and immediately throws them over his shoulder. What a dumb. Good thing hes still got those firecrackers.

Angels with Filthy Souls VHS he's watching. Must be nice. Too bad he didn't watch the Bruce Springsteen VHS. That might have been better.

KEVIN! Tey just realized that they left Kevin. Uh Oh. Shits about to get reeeeeeal.

Whats the name of the name of the guy on the left? Not Joe Pesci But ... He's been on SNL and he's part of the Wet Basndits. WHO IS MARVIN? IMDB!!!!!

OOooooth the quintessential Home Allone song, where they run down the airport and and run for Kevin.

Fuck yes, Kevin's not afraid anymore. Exzcept for Old Man Marley. He's scared as Fuck!

Appparently everyone in the 19870s had awesome hair and frames. And by frames I mean sunglasses. The COP has the same four stars and two blue stripes flag. CONSPIRANCY?!

The quintessential Home Alone scene. Culkin goes from completely feral to 100% civilized. EXCEPT FOR THE AFTERSHAVE.

Don't clmb on the shelves Kevin. Tarantula, Isiah Thomas, othershit. Whatever, its not going to be worth it.

Marv is WAYYYY too loud when it coums to cat burglaring.

THE WET BANDITS STRIKE. Marv decides they are the Wet Banist and they will leave therir mark by lesvaveing the faucests on.

OMG he notices Joe Pescis silver TOOTH. They re fucked.

Shits getting real in the ice rink as Mkauly Culin gets away from cops in order to get a toothbrush. Man this music is awesome.

Mcauley Culkin is on to your schemes. He hides in theh nativity. An he says "when these guys come back, ill be ready". Where the fuck does HE get all these mannneqins?

Buzz is gross, wolfing on some celery.

Why are bugalars sooo ugly? Has there ever been an attractive petty crook?

Scranton PA airport REPRESENT. Soon, and by soon I mean 10 years, the Office will be filmed here.

HERE COMES JON CANDY TO SAVE THE DAY!

Catherine O'HGara is going with some polka bums. Theyre rocking the back of a Budget truck and helping her get home. John Candy is a master of the small role.
Makauley Culkin is lerning the true meaning of X-mawsssss.

Marley wants to sit down. He;s a baller. Hi granddaughter is foing to be in Home Alone Two. Theres a lot of things going around about him but none of its true. Theyre in church which is important. Hes not welcome with his son.

"This is my house, I have to defend it!!"

Kevvin shot pesci in the balls with a bbking gun.

I wouyld be so fuckin scareed if I was 11 and someone was breaking into my house. The iron down the laundrey chute,. Perfect.

Oh shit the hot doorknob. Perfect. Marc got tarrreed and thrown down 5 flights of stairs.

Joe Pesci holds the droorknop, wait! wheile his head gets torched.

Merv gets his hand branded.

Ornaments in FEET!!!!! MERV!!! HOW DOES HE DO IT!

Joe P speech DRESSED LIKE CHIEKN. Faetherds.

DO YOU GUS GIVE UP OR ARE YOU THIRSTY FOR MORE (LINE FROM PORNO!) PAINT CAN TO THA FCE BUT HES ONLY A KID SO THEY CAN TAKE HIM. The tarantula from the beginning is back to save the day.

UGH, JOE P IS MISSNG SOME TEETH. MK CALLS THE COPS AS A DISQUISED VOICE AND TELLS THE POPO HES BEING robedd! MERV THINKS HES GOT HIM AND THE TARANTUL COMES OUT ON MERVS FACE

Makauley Culkin takes a fucking zip line ot freedonm. Its pefect. The bad guys got tore up. Marv is scraed to go through the sip line.

To recap: marv got an iron on his face and Pesci got a torched head. THeyre going to take on an 8 year old with a good pair of sheer scissors.

The antagoonists will come back to bite them. Their name sake will hurt them in the gfuture. UH OH. MARLEY IS GOING TO COME IN AND HELP OUT OUR BOY.

THE OLD MAN IS THE HERO OF THE MOVIE! What was he doing perving around in the neighbors house. ? Always leave the water running, we know each and every house you hit....THE WET BANDITS.

John Candy nderstands. He left a kid at a funeral home.

Its eperfect. Catherin OHara comes back an its pefect. All of thefamily is hter. Hes wearing Burberryu in 1990.

Marley is back, an this time its personal. His family is there and whastnot. The son and all that.

At the end of tehday, Kevin still gets ignored.. They don't give a fuck, and they don't even really give a care. They find a tooth and they look out into thee snow, but that s it.

UH OH. KEVIN, WHT DID YOU DO TYO MY ROOM?!

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If you liked this and you'd like to see more, leave your thoughts in the comments section. This is post is happily brought to you by Emily Lerman and Farley Elliott.