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10 Irreverent, Boozy And Sexy Christmas Events For People Who Normally Hate The Holiday

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Do you find yourself missing Halloween as the world erupts with cheer around you, gritting your teeth through the grocery store as the speakers play "I'll Be Home For Christmas" again? Would you rather your gay apparel be all black? Do you think Christmas would be better if it were drunker, seedier or NC-17? If so, here are some not so merry events happening in Los Angeles that should help get you through to the New Year.

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The least creepy image from Heretic's XPERIMENTS (Photo via Facebook)

Heretic Haunted House's XPERIMENTSIf you find yourself joking that you'd rather be tortured than see your family members, this event will enable you to put your money where your mouth is. Heretic House has one of the most extreme haunted house experiences around, and they're not tied to Halloween. Those who participate are dragged through dark corridors, entirely alone, and left at the mercy of a skilled team of actors. "The past shows we have done consisted of a paranormal torture session where entities were moving people around in the dark," an organizer by the name of Mike told us. You can call tell yourself it's all pretend, but the immersive and horrific experience is not one for the faint of heart or those who dislike being startled or touched. This is a full-contact haunted house that will feature a very special installment on Christmas Day. As for what to expect, plan on being both "cerebrally" and physically challenged, we're advised. Beyond that, that's all we know.

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The location and times are kept secret. To RSVP, visit the group's Facebook page here and follow the instructions given.

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Two Krampuses at the Krampus Ball (Photo by Juliet Bennett Rylah/LAist)

Get In The Krampus SpiritIf you grew up celebrating a Germanic Christmas, then you know that you can't have St. Nicholas without the Krampus. While St. Nick will reward the good children, the Krampus is a demon who beats bad children with switches before dragging them to Hell. The Los Angeles Krampus Society, helmed by former Disney Imagineer and current Krampus-enthusiast Al Krampus Guerrero, likes to get in the spirit of the Krampus with their annual ball (which happened last week), and other holiday events.

On December 13, you can treat yourself to one of two shows, each consisting of a double feature with a Krampus play and a Krampus film housed in a historic, Gothic Revival church. From the event: "Our Los Angeles production combines only the most attractive and amusing scenes involving the Krampus, Lucifer, butchered children and the inexorable power of Death, all represented in bouncy rhyme. Whether speaking of eternal salvation or the merciless tortures of Hell, the dialogue of the Nikolausspiel is inevitably delivered in cheery couplets worthy of Dr. Seuss." Artist Kimric Smythe’s will be providing a Krampus-driven Steamcar. Guerro told LAist he was especially excited to also have some international guests from Austria this year, the home of Krampus himself.

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St. Nicholas 1888: A Kinder-Horror Holiday. December 13, 6 & 9p.m. 1100 Ave. 64, Pasadena. Tickets here.

You can also check out Krammpstein, a Krampus-themed Rammstein cover band, with special guest Marilyn Krampson (we assume that's a Krampus-themed Marilyn Manson cover band) at The Complex in Glendale on December 20. Tickets here.

You'll also be able to catch a Krampus or two (including those international guests!) during the Echo Park Holiday Parade on Saturday morning. That's your other chance to view that steamcar.

Want even more Krampus? There's an unrelated Krampus and winter ritual BBQ in Griffith Park on Sunday from noon to 7 p.m. Info here.

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(Photo via Vanessa Burgundy)
Weirdo Wonderland: A John Waters TributeIf you happened to miss the touring John Waters Christmas special, you can still raise a glass, draw on a pencil mustache and get weird.

This tribute to legendary filmmaker John Waters rings in holiday cheer with just the right amount of filth. Hosted at Hollywood's Dragonfly, the night will be emceed by drag queen Bobbi DeCarlo and her lounge act, The Starlites. Organizer Vanessa Burgundy says there will be burlesque, trashy tree-trimming (bring your unmentionables to help decorate), a costume contest, pie-eating, DJs, photo opps and a Bizarre Bazaar with quirky holiday gifts for the eccentrics on your list—pasties, vintage kitsch, homemade wares. And Los Angeles icon Angelyne will be there, raffling off a chance to ride in her new pink Corvette. The proceeds for this event will benefit Children of the Night, a nonprofit that works to rescue children who are being trafficked.

Weirdo Wonderland. December 12, 9 p.m.. The Dragonfly, 6510 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood. 21+. $20. Tickets here.

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He knows if you've been bad or good (Photo via Facebook)

Get Drunk With Santa

Bar 107 is a downtown favorite, known for its cheap drinks and stellar happy hour. From now until Christmas, they'll also have a Santa on hand. This Santa will be knocking back PBR and Jamesons, but he won't mind if you want to sit on his lap and tell him what your heart's desiring this year. Santa Claus arrives nightly at 9 p.m. You can check Bar 107's Facebook page to see what else is going on each night, too. We like Shit Beer and Jameson Mondays ($2 beers, $4 shots of Jameson and $5 wells), but we're also a fan of their crowded dance parties. Merry Christmas, you filthy animals.

Bar 107. 107 W. 4th St., DTLA. Chill with Santa after 9 p.m.

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Scarlett Letter, one of the performers (Photo via Dark & Dirty Cabaret)

Dark & Dirty Holiday CabaretThis holiday revue suggests you leave your kids at home. Dark & Dirty Cabaret is an adult evening of holiday-themed variety and burlesque, hosted by Dame of Dark Theatrics Cassandra Vincent. Other performers include a bevy of magicians and members of the Roman Catholic Mime Collective. (Expect to see Jesus in mime-face.) This show promises to be bawdy, sexy and probably offensive.

Dark & Dirty Holiday Cabaret. The Eclectic Company Theatre, 5312 Laurel Canyon Blvd., Valley Village. December 12, 9 p.m. $12. Tickets here.

Watch A Festive (Or Gory) Film

There are some funny, as well as some bloody, holiday films playing this month.

At Cinefamily, there are two upcoming holiday-themed found-footage screenings to check out. You can drop by the theatre's Office Party on December 18, which will feature a found footage compilation from the BBC. BBC's "Christmas Tapes" promises to be a hilarious trip through the last few decades of strange BBC "outakes." Or you can catch Video Nights' Christmas Smorgasboard on December 21 with a found-footage compilation from Everything is Terrible!

Cinefamily is located at 611 N Fairfax Ave, Hollywood. Tickets and show times vary. Check all screenings here.

If you need something a little more grim and sister, you can check out New Beverly Cinema's Holiday Groundhouse double feature with Black Christmas and Silent Night Dearly Night. Black Christmas is a 1974 Canadian slasher flick about a maniac terrorizes a sorority house. Silent Night Deadly Night is a 1984 American slasher about a troubled boy who grows up into a violent spree killer.

Holiday Grindhouse with Black Christmas and Silent Night, Deadly Night. New Beverly Cinema. December 23. 7165 Beverly Blvd., Hollywood. Double features are $8. Tickets here.

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What do you want for Christmas? (Photo via Sinister Pointe's Facebook)
Not So Merry Christmas

The folks over at haunted house Sinister Pointe have done Christmas haunts in the past, but this year, they're hosting a "Not So Merry" holiday party. You'll be subjected to an extreme, more challenging bingo; horrifying and rude holiday characters; and a crude Santa who probably won't fulfill your wishes, but will let you sit on his lap for a photo. There will also be food, drinks, prizes, raffles and presents, so it's not all malevolent. You're encouraged to wear an ugly sweater as there will be a contest for the beastliest one.

Not So Merry Christmas. 910 E. Birch St., Brea. Tickets here. 8 p.m. $5 cover with RSVP plus Bingo costs, or $25 VIP (includes some food, drinks, bingo cards, Santa photo).

The Christmas Shitbird Show

If lounge singer Rudy Casoni seems familiar to you, it's probably because he's the crooning alter ego of actor Toby Huss (Pete & Pete, Reno 911, Carnivale). The Christmas Shitbird show at Trepany House will feature Casoni performing tunes from his XXX-mas record "S'no-Balls," plus special guests including The Lampshades, Dum Dums, Rape-o's, Boozebags, Mark Fite, James Urbaniak, Billy the Mime, Dave Higgins, Karen Kilgariff and other "drunken" special guests.

Christmas Shirtbird. December 12 & 17, 8 p.m. Trepany House (inside CFI Hollywood), 4773 Hollywood Blvd., East Hollywood. $10. Tickets here.

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John C. Reilly at last year's Janky Spectacular (Photo by Jessica Hanna)

Janky XmasJohn C. Reilly hosts the three separate installments of The 4th Annual A Very Janky Christmas Spectacular at the fantastic Bootleg Theatre in Echo Park. According to Bootleg's Jessica Hanna, "The Janky is always a song and dance show of some sort." This year, they're doing a '60s TV Variety show theme with characters like Pink Santa (Michael Dunn) who will play off one another for a Martin & Lewis feel. The house band, Kristen "Christmas" Toedtman & the MistleTones, will join in on holiday classics and new original songs. There will also be "ridiculous sketches, sexy dancers and Jewish Jello shots— which are blue and served to all whenever Happy Hannukkah is said onstage." And, Hanna adds, "we wrap the seats for the start of every show, because getting a seat to the Janky is the best present of all!" Like the rest of our list, this show is not suggested for children.

A Very Janky Christmas Spectacular. December 19, 7:30 p.m.; December 20, 7:30 p.m. & 9 p.m. Bootleg Theatre, 2220 Beverly Blvd., Echo Park. $20 online, $25 at the door. Tickets here.

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The flogger was hung from the tree with care (Photo via Twitter)
Have A Kinky ChristmasNot sure what to get the pervert in your life? Lucky for you, Stockroom is having one of their infamous rummage sales just in time for the holidays. Save big on their collection of latex wares, adult toys and BDSM accoutrements, with the added bonus of being able to get your photo taken with Stockroom's own version of Santa and their naughty elves. We don't know exactly what that means, but we are both intrigued and frightened.

You can also check out Bar Sinister's holiday shopping event on December 13.

Stockroom Holiday Rummage Sale. December 13 & 14, 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. 2807 Sunset Boulevard, Silver Lake.