Dear LAist, Do I Look Fat in these Bootie Shorts?
Lest anyone think that we don't love Mariah, we do. LAist is down with Mimi. Spread your wings, glittery butterfly and soar.
However over the years many other things have spread and soared. Now, we'd be the last to suggest that a big beautiful black woman needs to cover her bootyliciousness, but it appears from the looks of the photos of Mariah's kickoff concert in Miami yesterday - the first gig of her US tour - that our little diva isn't so little any more.
Which is fine. In fact, no matter what Ms. Carey's shape is, she has always come across as fiiiiiiine. To us at least. Which is why we recommend that she decides to either show what the good Lord (and KFC) gave her, or don't. But this inbetween business has got to go.
If you're going to wear bootie shorts, wear the ones you would have worn for Tommy back in the day. Or Puff Daddy. Or Derek Jeter. These granny bootie shorts only confuse us, the audience. Either you are proudly showing off your body or you're hiding stuff. But you cant do both in that outfit.
LAist recommends that you trim about four inches off the top of those shorts. Let that gut droop over the waist band. Why not? You earned that extra scoop of ice cream girl, you're the biggest selling female artist of all time. By biggest we mean best, of coure.
Either that or start covering up with plunging necklines and one-piece outfits. But we're not sure what's going on with this ensemble, and we have a feeling that you don't either. Show us the stuff that you'd wear if we were coming over and we've been particularily good and you want to be particularily bad.
But most importantly know that the fans who are with you now are your real fans. We went through those bad records, we went through that bad movies, we went through that so-called melt down on TRL, and we were out there like lambs at UCLA when you were recovering. We are ready for that jelly.
Look no further than the porches on Vermont Ave., or the aisles of the 99 cent stores in Bell, the women who have a little extra to show have no fear showing it. And they would die to look like Mariah. So Mariah, therefore, should have even less fear.
Mariah Carey comes to Staples Center in October, bad seats still available.
AP photos by Lynne Sladky