11 Things To Tell A 15-Year-Old Girl Whose First Concert Is Britney Spears 'Femme Fatale'
Some experiences lend themselves to teaching moments. Despite the child not technically belonging to me, there was a responsibility and an opportunity to impart at least a few live-show notables to the wide eyed 15-year-old girl sitting nearby at Britney Spears' Honda Center show in Anaheim last week. From the obvious, to the practical, to specifics about this show, here are the Top 11 Things To Tell A 15-Year-Old Girl Whose First Live Concert Is Britney Spears 'Femme Fatale':
1. Not all concerts come with disco ninjas, half-naked acrobats, fireworks and floating platforms. (This seems like an obvious one but who knows what kind of crazy ideas that tender, sponge-like brain could take away from the experience.)
2. The half naked men doing handstands on platforms around her while she writhes on a fainting couch don't really love her. Do not be fooled by a smooth talking 10th grader in bondage gear.
3. Sometimes the more elaborate the stage show (see: Cleopatra boat) the more you should question the quality of the musical product. This does not always apply, sometimes things are simply outrageous for outrageousness' sake, but be aware of distraction tactics.
4. Even thought the stage cops put her in a rubber-barred sexy jail, jail is not sexy and you should be mindful to avoid finding out firsthand.
5. Q: What is a Femme Fatale? A: Ummm... A captivating mystery woman that might shoot you but that a man follows anyway in the off chance she'll have sex with him. (see Number 4)
6. When standing up to rock out, do not put your purse on the seat behind you if you'd like all the contents to still be there when you turn back around. Also, don't put it on the floor unless you'd like it to fill up with accidentally-knocked-over beer.
7. Wear earplugs. Always. If people are taunting you, you won't hear it. But you know what you will hear? Everything else, for the rest of your life, well into old age.
8. Walk with authority like you belong there if you want to sneak down to the floor or a better section, and do it during a time of commotion. Be respectful and quiet and move if someone asks without saying a peep. This one will impress your friends. Provided you don't get thrown out.
9. Britney was a graduate of the Mouseketeer finishing school but then went another direction. Don't let other people put too much mascara on you.
10. That was a cover of Madonna's Burning Up, the best song off her first album. You didn't recognize it because you weren't alive for ten years after it came out, and also because the vocals were largely inaudible due to the volume/bass turned so high that it resembled a house music homage to Britney. (see Number 3)
11. Yes, skunks do live in arenas. That is exactly what you're smelling.