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Election Opinion: Vote No On Prop Comedy

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That's a pimp hand on the left, ready to make people ackrite. Photo courtesy Revolute via Flicker.

This Tuesday, there are a number of important issues facing you at your local polling station. As an informed California voter, you will be directly involved in some of the most historic and challenging decisions determining the make-up of our state and nation for the future generations. And nowhere is this more prevalent than in the California propositions. High speed rails, gay marriage, something about baby veteran drug dealing chickens or some shit... It’s all there. However, there is one issue that rises above the others.

Whatever your political beliefs, be they Democratic or Stupid, on November 4th we must all come together to stand up for what is absolutely moral and just. To rise en masse in support of our future, and our children’s future. To guarantee that certain subversive elements of our society do not become ‘the norm’; that objectionable materials are not taught in our schools, to our youth. And, most importantly, to ensure that two drink minimums need not be raised to support inebriation as a coping mechanism.

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On Tuesday, Vote NO on Prop Comedy.

Opponents of this measure will tell you that Gallagher has enjoyed a long and industrious career as some sort of violent crusader against fruits. They will point to Carrot Top and say, "he used to have that baseball bat that had a hand at the bottom so the baseball players could get ready to swing and scratch their nuts at the same time. That was funny."

The truth, my friends, is that these people have been blinded, possibly by watermelon seeds. Neither comedian has ever been funny, nor will they ever be, intentionally. While it is true that Carrot Top is absolutely hilarious today, I think if you gave any other red-haired chick that much horse testosterone they'd be pretty damn funny too.

And how suspicious is it that the the Pro Prop Comedy movement only has two heroes to parade around in front of us? Who else is there, besides Gallagher and Carrot Top? NO ONE.

Oh, wait. There was Gallagher's doppleganger brother, Ron Gallagher, who was sued by the original for copyright and trademark infringement. PROP COMEDY IS SO DESPERATE FOR COMEDIANS THEY STARTED CLONING PEOPLE. That technology is not only morally wrong and ethically reprehensible, it increases the working prop comedy force by 33%. Is THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!

So please, this Tuesday, vote NO on Prop Comedy. It's very simple, just take your ballot and write a large NO next to 'Prop Comedy'. Be sure to use a pen that looks like a hen's foot so it's easier for you to justify your chicken scratch.

Oh God. It's happening already. Prop Comedy is starting to invade our very thoughts!

Please vote with your heart, your mind, and your wallet. Don't let unnecessary state, and national, funds go to supporting comedy that requires raincoats.

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