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Blood on the Sand is the new Apple-tini. British-born Muslim extremist Abu Izzadeen (AKA Omar Brooks) declares that the Prophet Mohammed would want nonbelievers to know, "I come to slaughter all of you." Militant + thirsty + batshit crazy = "We are the Muslims. We drink the blood of the enemy..." Yum. -CNN

Bill Moyers gives our spineless politicos (and that includes Bill Clinton) a long-overdue verbal spanking for their willingness to bend over and spread 'em for big media consolidation. -Information Clearing House

Chef Wolfgang Puck will be whipping up nearly 3,200 miniature Kobe beef cheeseburgers and 4,600 gold-dusted chocolate Oscars to feed hungry celebrities at the Governor's Ball after the Oscars. ("Ohmigod. I couldn't possibly. I had two whole spinach leaves in the limo and I am sooooo full.") -AMPAS

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Because when women come to power, the first things we care about are their hemlines and hairstyles. -New York Times

Pentagon sets rules for detainee trials. No waterboarding, electroshock or Metallica in the courtroom. Hearsay evidence and statements obtained through coercive interrogation still okay (as long as they were obtained before Dec. 30, 2005). Igor, fetch me those documents and a jug of white out. -AP/Yahoo!News

It solves the problem of Olestra-induced anal leakage, but on the downside, "Z-trim is made of people! I tell you, it’s made of people!!!" -San Francisco Chronicle

Ted Nugent wins friends and influences people at Texas Governor Rick Perry's inauguration. -KTRK

Hot dog vendors to LAPD: Lay off our wieners! This oughtta swell the line at Pink's. -LA Times

Hell freezes over. Or at least Malibu. Close enough. -LA Times

Chimp Haven begins DNA testing to determine paternity in surprise chimp birth. Who's your daddy? -ABC