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Yesterday marked David Beckham’s last day as a respectable European footballer before he makes his move to the Los Angeles Galaxy. Given the high caliber of the European soccer teams as compared to the naïve American Major League Soccer (MLS), this last game is surely the beginning of the end for the legendary Beckham. He is now doomed to a life of over-done, over-rated, Hollywood middle-brow trashiness. The poor man has already begun to hang out with the likes of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I’ll spare you the details of his last game as a Real Madrid mid-fielder and talk about someone far more interesting: sportscaster Ray Hudson.

Having retired from coaching for the MLS, Hudson is now a commentator for soccer-only cable network Gol TV. Those who have already heard and ontologically succumbed to his ad-lib genius are well aware of Hudson’s dynamic talent as a real-time narrator. Part of his allure lies within his full-bodied, booming voice and the ease with which he unpretentiously references art, history, literature, and mythology.

Hudson is often emotionally engaged in the game he is commenting on, eloquently and passionately describing the unseen poetry to be found in the “beautiful game.” Yet it is his un-clichéd banter which is most endearing to listeners. Hudson’s commentary is immensely funny, but he melodramatically delivers his material with a sense of serious agitation, completely unaware of the impact of his wit.

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After the jump, some Ray Hudson lines from yesterdays Real Madrid vs. Real Mallorca match:

"This place is absolutely vibrating like a guitar string...In Mallorca they are hanging on by their hands at the cliff edge but Real Madrid is jumping up and down on their hands, stomping on them, trying to force them to fall...I love heart attacks like this. Remember that Phil (speaking to another sportscaster) and put it on my tombstone. It's like my heart is in a spin dryer getting pounded with glass marbles...It's in! It's in for Real Madrid (referring to a goal scored by Mahamadou Diarra)! The phoenix rises out of the ashes and it's the captain, Real Madrid. It's heart-stopping stuff...Oh man is there gonna be some lovin' going on tonight in the bedrooms of Madrid. A few months from now, a lot of babies out there will be named 'Mahamadou'. Heroic stuff...Ay, you see those tears. Look at them. Tear drops the size of canned pineapple chunks...Braver than a matador in high heels and a pink tutu! Braver than a bullfighter with no knickers on...The feared footballing gods are looking down on Madrid, stroking their long, white beards, and saying 'Vamanos Muchachos!'...Will you stop talking about tennis players, man (referring to another sportscaster's mention that famous tennis player Raphael Nadal and Tom Cruise were watching in the stands)? We're in the land of the bullfighters! That's what Real Madrid is being all about. Bullfighters! Staring the beast in the eyes! There is football with your feet and there is football with your heart. That's what Real Madrid is all about...Those results will be gettin' tattooed in the Madridista's and fan's skins. As we're talking they'll be lining up in the tattoo parlors saying 'I want these results tattooed across my heart'...Will you stop talking about tennis players and stupid Hollywood actors, Phil? It's the gladiators out there man! Not tennis players. Not Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise would break! If even he just smelled a soccer player's jockstrap, he'd fall dead away...Give me an oxygen tent (Hudson starts crying). Ben Hur! Diarra got that goal. Like Hannibal Lector he was tonight. Diarra skinned them alive...They're hotter than South Beach."

The next time you can hear Ray Hudson work is June 26th on Gol TV. For exact times go to http://www.goltv.tv/en_index.php?target=copaamerica07

Photo by alde via Flickr.