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Amy Jo Goddard's Top 10 Sex Paraphernalia for the Adventuresome Spirit of any Orientation

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Amy Jo Goddard, aka HoneyToes, is a professor, and professional sexuality trainer and consultant. The UC Santa Barbara graduate and author of Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men (well before the Queer Eye guys showed up), was nice enough to give us a Top 10 Sex accessories list that we are sure you would rather read than this intro...

HoneyToes’ Top 10 Sex Paraphernalia for the Adventuresome Spirit of any Orientation

10. A flogger, crop, cane or other such stingy fun corporeal gear—When I asked my friend Barb what her number one sex accoutremont would be, she stipulated that when it comes to her favorites, there is “Sushi” and then there’s the bean burrito, a staple for any pure bred Californian. So at number ten, I include one of her and my own “sushi” items, because maybe they aren’t quite right for number one, but on some days, when I need a little rough and tumble, a good flogger or crop will suit me fine; for Barb it’s a cane. Because the buttocks, the inner thighs, and the shoulders where we hold so much of that unnecessary stress, can take a beating and love it now and again. At the very least, a nice smack of the hand on the sweet spot (that place where the buttocks meet the thighs) can turn on any boy or girl when done just right. Note: Educate yourself before playing with such toys.

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9. A good pair of handcuffs or other restraint—You don’t have to be a sadomasochistic enthusiast to know there is a thrill in being restrained, held back, forced down, turned over or tied to something that you can struggle against or submit to. Many of us have a submissive streak somewhere that when worked by a partner in the land of make-your-own-fantasy can shift you out of that everyday take-yourself-way-too-seriously mode into one blissful ride to the land of oneness and simplicity. What your partner does or what you do to your partner whilst under restraint is another story…make it juicy.

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8. Anal beads or plug—There is no way a top ten sex paraphernalia list would be complete without the formidable inclusion of the asshole, the human body’s blasphemed, bullied, and neglected step child of a sex organ for far too many assphobes. The network of eager nerves that flank the walls of the anus should be loved by all who can get past their fear of fecal matter or their homophobia in order to love their buttholes.

I suggest some beads, which when pushed into the ass one-by-one, can be pulled out slowly or quickly at an opportune moment (goes well with orgasm); or, a butt plug that can be used actively to stimulate all those nerves around the anal sphincter during penetration, or inserted and left alone for more subtle stimulation and a full feeling many boys and girls like. Even just a finger will do, and if you are one of the doo-doo phobic, get a box of finger condoms for a much cleaner way to play with the ass.

I should mention that the male “G-spot,” a.k.a. prostate gland, is accessible only through the anus. To get to that special spot in the boys, just nudge the wall towards the front of the body and most men will moan with delight they didn’t know was in them. And if you are playing with a woman’s butthole, don’t dare touch her clitoris or vagina with the same hand or toy after touching the butthole. Vaginas don’t like that bacteria and she will get a horrid yeast infection that will put you in the doghouse.

7. A blindfold, a hood—There are some serious sensory deprivation players out there, but for the tamer, a simple blindfold will do. We all know that when one sense gets quiet, others shout. Cover your eyes and watch your sense of hearing, touch, smell, or even taste, widen and open. Most of us have grown eye corns as buffers, but in a culture so overwhelmingly packed with visual images and cues, take away the visual, and you are sure to learn something new. And what better environment than the sensual/sexual where exploration is often the point. For a bit more than a peek-easy blindfold, my girlfriend loves a full hood for a different kind of focus and concentration, or to feel sort of anonymous. Some hoods are leather. Hers is made of nylon for easier breathing—aside from the zipper shut mouth hole—and you can see shadows, which has its own allure.

6. Rabbit fur hand mitt—Okay, as a Cali girl environmentalist animal lover with a New York activist edge, I had serious hesitations in adding this one. I was sold on it during a weekend Tantra workshop, where only after an earnest description of non-cruel practices and explanation of where the fur came from did I consent to the purchase. I do not own another fur item, nor do I plan or want to…but this one is pretty irresistible. For after a good orgasm, spanking, flogging, or just because it feels good, running this unbelievably soft mitt across the body is total luxury bliss. I’m sure I’m going to get it for this, and I will encourage you to find something else super soft like something made of silk as a substitute, but I cannot lie, I have a fur hand mitt and I love it. Crucify me now. Nothing quite compares to soft fur, a great plan by our four-legged friends to get body massages and friendly petting often.

5. A good pair of boots—Anyone that you already like naked will look better with the right pair of boots on. And being naked with boots on can be really handy, like if you want to go outside for post-cigarette round two or scale a wall for some crazy sex position. Boots feel good for fucking. Sexy, strong, boots look like they’ve got purpose, a mission for being here, a place to be. Something about that is really hot. And of course an eager tongue by a toe admirer on my boots sends me scaling.

4. A harness with at least one good dildo—Look, no matter what your sexual orientation or gender, a harness with your chosen dildo or dildo collection is potentially useful and fun for just about everyone. Certainly, untold numbers of women have fantasized about what it would feel like to fuck a partner with a member of their own, and certainly lesbians and queers lead the way in utilizing the attachable phallus with finesse. But heterosexual couples have gotten on board and Carol Queen even made a couple of videos called “Bend Over Boyfriend I” and “BOB II.” I’ve heard enough sad stories of unsatisfied women whose male partners come too fast and then either in laziness, embarrassment or pure uninventiveness, assume that the sex act is over. Look guys, she is usually going to take longer than you to come. She doesn’t always do it from penetration alone, but if she wants more, and your peeter is pooped, put on your strap-on and keep on going. She can have any size, shape or firmness she wants. You can always use a dildo with your hand, there’s thigh harnesses, dildos with suction cups, oh it goes on. Go buy one for yourself. And while you’re at it check out Bitch & Animal’s song “Best Cock on the Block” for a little pop education.

3. A sling—Ah, the sling. Certainly no dungeon is complete without it. But for anyone who enjoys being penetrated, what a gift of luxury. A sling is little seat, often made of leather or wide nylon straps, that hangs from the ceiling. One person lies in this brilliant contraption while another (or others) can have access on all sides from a standing position. Adjust the sling so it hangs at your waist and fuck your partner silly while he or she hangs in mid-air. For those into fisting, the sling offers a great way for the fingers and hand to access the appropriate orifice without something as solid as a bed getting in the damn way. And for those of you breaking out the crops or canes, restrain your partner to the four corners and have at it. Just don’t forget that feet and hands can lose a lot of blood in that position, so don’t be too much of a sadist. Find those crossbeams, drill some holes and get yourself hooked up.

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2. A good bottle of LUBE (and some sex towels)—No sex paraphernalia list would reach its rightful climax in the absence of lube. Why does lube seem to be a little known secret even among the seemingly educated? You need a water-based lube that you like. Period. Our bodies don’t regularly supply enough natural lubricant to last through a steamy sexcapade. The vagina certainly gets juicy depending on how turned on a woman is, or just because of where she is in her cycle. The anus, however, produces very little in the way of natural lubrication, so for any anal activity to be fun, you will need lube! And even for manual stimulation of the clitoris, let me give you this analogy: Roll your eyelids inside out and rub a finger back and forth over the mucus membrane of the lid. How does that feel? Yeah, exactly. So don’t go near a woman’s vagina or clit with a dry finger. It’s a turnoff and a quick way to indicate your lack of knowledge about the female anatomy. And certainly many men prefer some lubricant when their penis is getting stroked, so stock up. All lube was not created equal. Some dry up faster than others, some are more sticky, some emulate body fluids, while others come in a pump bottle. My favorite is Liquid Silk, which does come in a very convenient pump bottle for those moments you need something quickly without much fuss—which is most of the time. But some folks like plain old K-Y Jelly. Whatever you choose, do not use any type of oil-based lubricant with condoms and latex—it’ll break them in twenty seconds flat. My suggestion is to go down to your favorite sex shop—I support the newest Babeland location, right here in Los Angeles—pick out a bunch of trial-sized lubricants or Babeland’s Lube Sampler, and do your version of the taste test—and yes, some of them taste better than others and sometimes oral sex follows sex acts involving lube, so keep that in mind. And the “sex towels?” Keep them nearby so you can wipe your hands after a lube-up and keep on going. They’ll be a blessing for your sheets.

1. A Vibrator—I sometimes get accused of talking too much about women’s pleasure and not enough about men’s. Well, that’s because I’m doing my part to make up for centuries of misinformation or total lack of info about women’s sexual pleasure, organs and options. So the vibrator takes number one for it’s golden reputation among women. Many women love to use a vibrator alone, or while being penetrated by a partner—the simultaneous stimulation of the clitoris by the vibe and the “G-spot” (a.k.a. urethral sponge) by penetration gets five stars by me every time. Women’s primary sexual organ is the clitoris, contrary to the hurtful lies Freud told about clitoral orgasms being “immature”. Being an anatomy geek, I teach workshops all the time about the vast system of muscles, erectile tissue and glandular structures that make up the clitoral organ and women and men are constantly astonished, often hurt or angry that they didn’t know this stuff sooner, or just excited to have some detailed information about women’s entire sexual system. The clitoris, the only structure in the male or female body whose only function is pleasure, usually requires consistent stimulation. Hands, fingers, tongues and other toys can certainly provide this, but none compares to a good vibrator and sometimes that’s just what a woman needs. Some men find the stimulation of a vibrator on their penis pleasurable as well. Barb and I agreed on the Hitachi Magic Wand as our number one bean burrito option. No battery operated vibe can compare with the full throttle of the electric Hitachi, marketed as a back massager. It has a wide round rubber head, a long life span and just requires a good extension cord for versatility. For some, the vibration of the Hitachi is so strong that it’s too intense and many want something more tame or quiet. My girlfriend swears by the battery-operated Water Dancer, “quiet, powerful and you can take it in the tub.” Whatever model, every woman should have a vibrator she likes. Turn it up girl, get on, and ride! Do it for #1.

Amy Jo Goddard is a professor and professional sexuality trainer and consultant. She co-wrote Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men. Check out Amy Jo’s workshops and other work at amyjogoddard.com

photos by sarah in vegas