Every Dude's Tinder Profile In L.A., Translated

tinderpix.jpg
(Photo illustration by Julia Wick/LAist, stock photos via Pexel)

It's a jungle out there in the wilds of Los Angeles, and Tinder is a swamp.

In a city of shiny facades, everyone is always selling something, and online dating profiles are no different. As a public service, we decided to translate some of the most common lines seen on L.A. dudes Tinder profiles into what they really mean. You're welcome.

(Actual Tinder text in bold; translations in italics).

I'm new to the city. I don't own a car.

In Los Angeles for x amount of days, lookin for fun. I am looking for casual sex.

I have 4.9 stars on Uber. There is nothing interesting about me.

I enjoy traveling and good food. There is nothing interesting about me.

I love trying new things. There is nothing interesting about me.

I work hard and I play hard. There is nothing interesting about me, but at least I have a job!

Love what I do! There is nothing interesting about me, but at least I have a job!

I appreciate the finer things in life. I'm insufferable, but I will probably take you to a nice restaurant and pick up the check.

I'm a gentleman. There is a 100% chance that I hold the door open for you, and a 40% chance that I date rape you.

I'm not your typical L.A. guy. I am literally exactly what you picture as an "L.A. guy" but I'm too cheap to pay for bottle service.

I'm looking for a girl who is in shape but not obsessive. You should eat on our dates, but hopefully not during the rest of the week.

I value humility and generosity a lot. I make a big f—-ing deal out of it every time I tip 20%, despite the fact that it's generally accept among civilized people as the literal standard for any server who doesn't intentionally spill a drink on you.

Looking for someone who makes me want to delete this app. I will ask you what "we" "are" on our second date.

I'm highly educated. I went to a second-tier Ivy and I'm still super insecure about it (but go Big Red Bears!!)

Sapiosexual I'm insufferable.

Foodie I'm insufferable.

I know the difference between you're and your. I'm insufferable, but at least my text messages will be well-punctuated.

Coffee snob. I am so much more than insufferable, on a really, really deep level.

Angel investor. I'd like you to know that I am rich.

I love flying planes. I'd like you to know that I am rich.

Dilettante I am supported by my parents, but for what it's worth, my parents are rich.

I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue ;-) I really want you to know that I'll go down on you a lot but honestly I'll need so much positive validation for it that it's really not worth either of our time.

Travel.Art.Design.Film I.love.Urban.Outfitters.

[Bible quote] [Bible quote] I'm a Christian. I will probably have premarital sex with you, but won't pay for an abortion.

Globetrotter. I'm the guy who always "checks in" to the first class lounge while sitting in an airport TGI Friday's.

I'm looking for a girl who is just as comfortable in a cocktail dress as jeans. There is something deeply anti-feminist about me, but you'll never be able to quite put your finger on it.

I'm training for a marathon. Prepare to hear about it three to six months in advance.

[David Foster Wallace reference] I really like talking about how the sex was, in detail, as soon as we are done.

Proud feminist. Prepare for me to ask you how the sex was while I'm still inside of you.

I'm fluent in sarcasm. I'm from the Midwest.

I will make you laugh. I will make a joke and then stare at you really, really patiently until you begrudgingly say "Ha."

Trying to be an ally. I'm recently woke and insufferable AF.

On Tinder just for fun. Gonna try really hard to convince you that I shouldn't wear a condom.

Confident and driven. We will be an hour into dinner before I ask you a single question about yourself.

Extremely ambitious. There's a 70% chance I choke you during sex without asking first.

One of the good guys. There's a 100% chance I choke you during sex without asking first.

Kind of an old soul. I loved "Garden State."

Please be weird. I loved "Garden State."

I like unconventional beauties who don't try 2 hard. I think Emma Stone and Anna Kendrick are unconventional beauties.

I live on the Eastside. The furthest east I possibly live is Silver Lake, and I don't understand that Eastside is an actual place, east of the Los Angeles River.

Writer/Director/Actor Waiter/Lyft/Uber Driver

Let's make art together. You are going to spend a lot of time seeing my band perform at venues with non-working bathrooms.