Kim Gordon Safe, Was NOT Attacked By A Coyote At Silver Lake Whole Foods
Sonic Youth fans held their collective breaths this weekend as news emerged about Kim Gordon being involved in a dangerous incident. Apparently she was attacked by a coyote? And apparently it happened in the parking lot of the new 365 by Whole Foods store?
The news was first disseminated on the Instagram account @wholefoodssilverlake:
We at 365 silverlake would like to formally apologize @kimletgordon local silverlake resident and former bass player of Sonic Youth who was bit by a coyote in our parking lot this afternoon. Kim, we are taking this situation very seriously and are contracting a team to take care of the recent coyote problem. We wish you a speedy recovery and hope you return to shop with us again soon. 365 shoppers, if you see any coyotes wandering in or around the store please inform one of our team members immediately. Thank you
LA Weekly's music writer Jeff Weiss, chimed in with his thoughts:
"Kim Gordon gets bit by coyote at the Silver Lake Whole Foods." The most 2016 LA sentence imaginable. https://t.co/9KfSZ2IHCC— Otto Von Biz Markie (@Passionweiss) May 31, 2016
But it was a hoax, of course. And @wholefoodssilverlake is not actually affiliated with Whole Foods. Kim Gordon herself stepped in to say she had not been harmed by a Canis latrans:
@AdamGoesHam no— Kim Gordon (@KimletGordon) May 29, 2016
A quick glance at @wholefoodssilverlake shows that the account isn't legit. Though we do wish that it was real, because it spins the store as a sort of Portlandia meets Albertsons. Who wouldn't want to shop at a store that gives shout-outs for a Sleater-Kinney sticker?
Attention 365 participants: we are looking for the owner of this charcoal 2014 toyota prius. You are not in trouble! Legally parked. We just noticed you have a Sleater Kinney sticker on your passenger window and we wanted to say that they are a great band, great sticker. One of our team members Ethan runs a live bootleg tape co-op and has some rare recordings from the 1996 Call the Doctor tour if youre interested just come by the sprouts section!
The account is also big on the neighborhood watch ethos, which is nice. It reported that another pesky coyote had attacked the Silverlake Wine just down the street. The account informed residents that "the rascal had been lapping up liters worth of sauvignon blanc for the last 24 hours" and that it was "visibly and possibly DANGEROUSLY intoxicated."
Okay folks no reason to be alarmed but ethan our barista went to check on the coyote in @silverlakewine and it seems we may have a bit of a debacle on our hands. It appears that the rascal had been lapping up liters worth of sauvignon blanc for the last 24 hours and managed to munch a hole through the backdoor. The coyote cant be very far because he tried to attack ethan before running off. He was just spotted slinking between cars on McCready, visibly and possibly DANGEROUSLY intoxicated. We have the situation under control but please if you see the coyote do not try to reason with it. It is a highly drunk and extremely manipulative animal that we are dealing with here. Do not underestimate it's intelligence and lack of empathy, this is a dangerous scoundrel i cannot stress this enough do not approach under any circumstances. Bill and Ron are already in the field pursuing this disgusting, filthy dog of the woods. Happy Memorial day!
So who's behind the @wholefoodssilverlake Instagram? We don't have solid confirmation just yet, but we did note that Jack Wagner, Instagram prankster/celeb/Mephistopheles, wrote a post saying that he runs @wholefoodssilverlake and is "deep in the silverlake [sic] woods" looking for the "disgusting, manipulative creatures" who'd attacked Gordon.
Life is CRAZY guys. One second youre hanging out working as chief social officer for the biggest organic grocery store chains in the world and running @wholefoodssilverlake ... The next youre deep in the silverlake woods desperately trying to defend one of the most legendary post punk bass players of all time from a pack or disgusting, manipulative creatures of the wilderness. Not to mention getting verbally assaulted by costumers in one ear and your bosses in the other. Life is insane but honestly if i can just protect @kimletgordon and save this freaking instagram account and sell some organic whole foods brand groceries, ill be a happy dude. Pray for me and the @wholefoodssilverlake social team its going to be a long day.
As reported by Mashable last month, Wagner was at Coachella when he found Troian Bellisario's cell phone. Bellisario, of Pretty Little Liars fame, let Wagner use her phone to document his misadventures at the festival (he eventually ended up on stage with Skrillex). So Wagner isn't new to hijinks on Instagram, and @wholefoodssilverlake looks like something that's up his alley.
Janette Rizk, who works in the PR department at Whole Foods, wrote to us to say that, "The account is a humorous spoof and not affiliated with 365 by Whole Foods Market. We are taking steps via Instagram's formal channels to have it removed."
We tried reaching out to Gordon's management team at Silva Artist Management to see if they'd heard about the news, and if they were initially concerned for her well being. An office manager told us that he hadn't heard about the incident, partly because he'd "just got in 30 minutes ago." (Note: We called pretty early in the day.)
So Kim Gordon is safe and sound. It should also be noted that coyotes are the ones in more imminent danger, as the city is trying to figure out how to handle the growing instances of coyote sightings. In a worst case scenario, there may be a push to allow animal control to trap coyotes, reports the Pasadena Star-News. This would be horrible because, as it is illegal to relocate the animals, trapped coyotes would also have to be euthanized. While a grim prospect, it is also unlikely to happen, the article notes.
Update [3:45 p.m.]: Our suspicions have been confirmed. Jack Wagner is indeed at the helm of @wholefoodssilverlake. Wagner wrote back to LAist to say that he "opened the account on a whim while drinking coffee at the Silverlake 365." He says he's gone to the store "every single day since it's been open" and claims he's "possibly their most loyal costumer."
Wagner also mentioned that he has not been contacted by Whole Foods yet. When they do reach out to him, he hopes that both parties will find a way to work together. "If they were smart they would embrace it," said Wagner.
If there's one thing that Wagner is repentant about, it's the trouble he may (or may not have) caused Kim Gordon. "Kim if you are listening, sorry about the coyote rumors—I'm a big fan," wrote Wagner.