A Word or 12:
Dirt - I forgot to mention Dirt yesterday, someone just kill me please.

Tonight - Wednesday - January 31st, 2007

The Spiral Staircase (TCM, 5:00 p.m.) This nifty thriller from the '40s features a strangler that follows a mute maid through a dark New England mansion during a storm.

Lakers @ Celtics (KCAL, 5:30 p.m.)

Monster (IFC, 6:00 p.m.) Charlize Theron transorms herself in an Oscar winning performance. Worth watching just for the closing credits.

Friday Night Lights (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) The boys are in the playoffs.

Bones (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) Serial killer burned beyond recognition.

George Lopez/The Knights of Prosperity/According to Jim/In Case of Emergency/Primetime (ABC, 8:00-11:00 p.m.) All new, for better or worse.

Beauty and the Geek (the CW, 8:00 p.m.) All about dogs.

American Idol (Fox, 9:00 p.m.) Like some horrible affliction.

Medium (NBC,10:00 p.m.) Animated dolls is what they've resorted to.

The Purple Rose of Cairo (TCM, 10:00 p.m.) Excellent Woody Allen flick in which Jeff Daniels' character steps off a 1930s movie screen and into the real world.

Dinner: Impossible (FOOD, 10:30 p.m.) Cooking at a fundraiser on an island.

Top Design (Bravo, 11:00 p.m.) Series premiere. It's like Project Runway 'cept for interior designers

Larry King Live (CNN, 9:00 p.m.) Miss America Lauren Nelson

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Prez wanna-be Sen. Joe Biden (good luck buddy)

The Colber(t) Repor(t) (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) Jed Babbin, former undersecretary of defense in Bush I administration

Charlie Rose (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) French Interior Minister Nicolas Sarkozy (the Hungarian Frenchman!)

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Golden Globe and SAG winner Forest Whitaker, dyslexic Daniel Powter performs

Jimmy Kimmel LIVE (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) six minutes of Kevin Bacon, Sofia Vergara pushes The Knights of Prosperity, Robin Thicke with Pharrell performs

Late Night With Conan O'Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) that cutie Sienna Miller, neverending ER guy Goran Visnjic, Paul Weller performs

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m.) Chad Lowe pushes something, the RZA performs

Biden with stinky finger via AP

A Word or 28:
Am still impressed with the fact that Bill Gates went on the Daily Show on the eve of a major product kick-off. Too bad the product sucks.

Tonight - Tuesday - January 30th, 2007

Lakers @ Knicks (KCAL, 5:30 p.m.)

Kings @ Flames (Fox Sports, 6:00 p.m.)

Dateline NBC (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) Members of 'Perverted Justice' search for perverts! If only it were the other way around.

American Idol (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) The auditions move to Birmingham

Gilmore Girls (the CW, 8:00 p.m.) What's up with Sookie's odd behavior?

Road Rules: Viewer's Revenge (MTV, 9:00 p.m.) Back after a 3 year break!

House (Fox, 9:00 p.m.) Back from hiatus! House is back from rehab!

Veronica Mars (the CW, 9:00 p.m.) A one night-stand turns out to be ever much more

Boston Legal (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) Blah.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson

The Colber(t) Repor(t) (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) Former Clinton-era Secretary of Health & Human Services Donna Shalala

The Late Show With David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Matt Damon to probably talk about the Oscars, Barbara Walters (will be bringing her soft focus lens)

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Diane Keaton to talk about that hideous movie she's in with Mandy Moore, Ivanka (Ivanka!) Trump, the Soweto Gospel Choir performs

Late Night With Conan O'Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Kristin Davis, Bob Foul Mouth Saget, Paolo Nutini performs

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m.) Boston Legal cutie Julie Bowen, Terry Crews pushes Norbit, Michael Meehan

Jimmy Kimmel LIVE (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) Christina Applegate pushing Farce of the Penguins, comedy guy Patton Oswalt performs

Damon & DiCaprio via the AP

For some reason fast food professionals are upset with being associated with the former Mr. Spears.

And for some reason Mr. Federline got a Super Bowl commercial and neither of his ex-wives did.

Life isn't fair, but Super Bowl commercials are usually good.

We think this one is pretty damn good. Good job, Nationwide.

A Word or 51:
I thought I was watching my TiVoed Golden Globes broadcast last night but it turned out to be the Screen Actors Guild Awards with the same winners almost across the board. If the Oscars follow suit can't we just get rid of this circle jerk and have one stinkin' awards show?

Tonight - Monday - January 29, 2007

UCLA @ Stanford (PRIME, 5:00 p.m.) College basketball

Carnival Marathon featuring The Show/Freaks/The Elephant Man (TCM, 5:00 p.m.) Freaks, freaks, and more freaks.

The 2007 Miss America Pageant (CMT, 8:00 p.m.) Mario Lopez serves up more Trump meat.

Prison Break (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) The boys take over a radio station or something.

Heroes (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) Sulu shows up!!

24 (Fox, 9:00 p.m.) Now we get to meet Jack's Dad.

Studio 60 On the Sunset Strip (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) Guys with their hands in their pockets.

Larry King Live (CNN, 9:00 p.m.) Fat Tyra Banks

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Richestmanintheworld Bill Gates (word of advice: don't upgrade to Vista yet)

The Colber(t) Repor(t) (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) Author Barry M. Lando pushes his Iraq book

The Late Show With David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Non-Oscar contender Will Smith, Evanescence performs

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Bill Puddin' Cosby, "24" nerdchick Mary Lynn Rajskub, Katharine McPhee performs

Late Night With Conan O'Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Brad Garrett pushes "Til Death", Sarah Silverman (is unfortunately married to Jimmy Kimmel), Peter Bjorn & John perform

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m.) Dylan McDermott pushes "The Messengers", cute Danish chick Connie Nielsen, Billy Bragg performs

Jimmy Kimmel LIVE (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) David Arquette is _still_ trying to get people to watch "Dirt", Joan and Melissa Rivers (make finger-gag motion), Spank Rock performs

Bill brings the Noise via the AP

Tonight - Friday - January 26th, 2007

Paris (the City) Marathon - Paris, When It Sizzles / An American In Paris / To Paris, With Love (TCM, 5:00 p.m.) A mental vacation for you.

Winter X Games (ESPN, 6:30 p.m.) Skiing, men's Superpipe final, Snowmobile SnoCross

Women's Final - the Australian Open (ESPN2, 6:30 p.m.) It's Sharapova vs Serena

Kings @ Canucks (PRIME, 7:00 p.m.)

Charlie Rose (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) Oscar nominees Dame Helen Mirren, Forest 'the Dictator' Whitaker, Clint, etc.

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Rebecca Romijn (no Ramos), Bob 'Dirty Mouth' Saget, Rodrigo y Gabriela perform

Jimmy Kimmel LIVE (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) Vanessa Williams, Ryan Reynolds pushes Smokin Aces, Robert Kelly performs

Tomorrow - Saturday - January 27th, 2007

Winter X Games (ESPN, 6:00 p.m.) Snowmobile SnoCross final

The Girl Hunters (TCM, 9:15 p.m.) Mickey Spillane stars as the character he created: Mike Hammer

Don't Forget: Sunday - January 28th, 2007

Winter X Games (ESPN, 6:00 p.m.) Snowmobile freestyle final, men's superduperpipe final

60 Minutes (CBS, 7:00 p.m.) Profile of US defector living in North Korea

Clippers @ Sonics (KTLA, 7:00 p.m.)

The Funeral (IFC, 7:50 p.m.) Christopher Walken, Chris Penn, and Vincent Gallo star in the Master, Abel Ferrara's Mob flick

Screen Actors Guild Awards (TNT, TBS, 8:00 p.m.)

King of the Hill (Fox, 8:30 p.m.) Season premiere.

Rome (HBO, 9:00 p.m.) Rome! Yes! Dammit, Rome. Cassius and Marc Anthony raise money for an army.

The Apprentice: LA (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) The Donald gets pissed

Extras (HBO, 10:00 p.m.) Harry Potter cameos

Crossing Jordan (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) Boston cops shoot an 8-yr-old boy 33 times (shouldn't they be transferred to the NYPD?)

Forest as Idi via the AP

A Word or 51:
So last night it was either Klaus Kinski or American Idol - they're both abject and base pornography but Kinski won. Get home early today to check out the Winter X Games; other than some The Office reruns the CW seems to have the most new programming but that's not saying much.

Tonight - Thursday - January 25th, 2007

The Caddy (TCM, 5:00 p.m.) Classic Jerry Lewis & Dean Martin

UCLA @ Cal Basketball (PRIME, 6:00 p.m.)

Winter X Games (ESPN, 6:00 p.m.) From Aspen, CO: Snowboard Superpipe (cool band name)

U.S. Figure Skating Championships (ESPN2, 6:00 p.m.) From Spokane, WA: Ladies' and men's short programs (shitty band name)

The Cooler (IFC, 7:35 p.m.) Since 30 Rock is a repeat tonight, check out Baldwin in this flick w/William H. Macy

Smallville (the CW, 8:00 p.m.) Clark wakes up in a mental asylum - just like me

CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) They try to catch the killer of a popular politician, or something

Friends of God: A Road Trip With Alexandra Pelosi (HBO, 9:00 p.m.) Premiere of documentary about freaky evangelical lobbyists by the (yeah) daughter of Nancy Pelosi.

Supernatural (the CW, 9:00 p.m.) Suicidal bank robbers

Gay, I mean, Grey's Anatomy (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) Get over it already (if you think the network isn't engineering some of this 'scandal' crap for their own benefit, you got another thing comin')

The O.C. (Fox, 9:00 p.m.) Julie has a secret love affair, vs. all the non-secret love affairs we are familiar with

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Senator Chuck Schumer, a favorite impression of Stewarts

The Colber(t) Repor(t) (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) Mike Wallace LIVES!

Charlie Rose (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) Pirates of the Carribean guy Bill Nighy

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Comedian Wanda Sykes; pretty Indian guy from Heroes, Sendhil Ramamurthy; the Bird and the Bee perform

Jimmy Kimmel LIVE (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) Entourage guy Jeremy Piven; Top Chef host and (hot)wife of Salman Rushdie, Padma Lakshmi; John Mellencamp performs

The Snowboard Superpipe @ the Winter X-Games via the AP

Lamar: "It's about time that KCAL started broadcasting us in HD."
Kobe: "Yeah? It's about time your fuckin knee healed. How 'bout that?"

The Lakers are #2 in the Pacific Division with a .643 record and have a .636 record in games broadcast in High Definition. Pretty good, since the games are only broadcast in high def when they play top teams... until now. Starting February 2nd, all Laker away games on KCAL 9 -- even against crappy teams like Memphis or Boston -- will be broadcast in 720 vertical lines of glory. Which means (if you've been paying attention) that the Lakers are poised to improve their high def record.

Some may ask "but LAist, why only 720p -- why not 1080p?" Well friends, as any audiophile knows, sports games are generally broadcast at 720 lines because it provides a smoother image for fast-action sports telecasts. Besides... if you can notice the difference between 720p and 1080p, you need to back the f*** up.

This is great news for Laker fans as well as HD junkies. Anyone who has high def knows that it is the gateway drug to mollifying programming like KCET "just 'cuz it's broadcast in HD". Well all of that scavenging for decent content will end once Kobe and friends play their KCALHD opener against the Indiana Pacers.

Set your TiVos Los Angeles.

Photo by ZenzenOK via Flickr.

A Word or 56:
Thankfully I was doing my radio show last night and was spared the State of the Union, and therefore, a really bad hangover. It was (somewhat) reassuring to see some livid polarized response but half the time I feel like these guys are going through the motions. Two ways to disgust yourself tonight are: Crawlspace on IFC and Primetime: Medical Mysteries, enjoy.

Tonight - Wednesday - January 24th, 2007

Crawlspace (IFC, 6:00 p.m.) The unbelievable Klaus Kinski stars in this horror flick as the mad son of a Nazi criminal who spies on women in their apartments.

Armed & Famous (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) LaToya and Trish really stretch their skills by going undercover as prostitutes.

George Lopez (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) Season premiere

Friday Night Lights (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) Again, the Panthers are just one game from the playoffs.

American Idol (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) This show is still on?

According to Jim/The Knights of Prosperity/In Case of Emergency (ABC, 8:30-10:00 p.m.) All new.

Dinner: Impossible (FOOD, 10:00 p.m.) Series premiere

Medium (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) Allison discovers a strange relationship between two ghosts. Really?

Primetime: Medical Mysteries (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) Elastic skin people; people with constant seasickness; people with unusual internal organs

CSI: NY (CBS, 10:00 p.m.) This is the one with the drag queen murder

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Chubby former G.W. Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan

Charlie Rose (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) NY Times guy John F. Burns

The Colber(t) Repor(t) (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) CNN guy Lou Dobbs

Late Show With David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Impressionist Frank Caliendo, Mandy Moore performs

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Hottie Sienna Miller, living legend Phyllis Diller, Branford Marsalis performs

Jimmy Kimmel LIVE (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) Andy Garcia pushing "Smokin' Aces", John Cougar/no-Cougar Mellencamp performs

Andy Garcia at 'Smokin Aces' premiere via AP

We love KTLA. Our night wouldn't be complete without one of Hal "The Fish Man" Fishman's commentaries, the annoying, well-endowed weather girl trying her best to present the weather without tipping forward or sports reporting that's on par with the local college station's, but tonight they teased a video for the entirety of their broadcast that we'd seen days ago.

We know that the old media is struggling to put fresh faces and rock music behind their dry, over-produced broadcasts, but when they play this video as their teaser all evening, not only does this scream "slow news day" but when they tell us to not try this activity at home it makes us sad for the state of this slowly dying media.

PS - Why are they getting a star on the walk of fame?

A Word or 67:
I've already seen some State of the Union drinking games posted on the web, so get home early with a bottle of hooch because here again your early primetime programming is to be disrupted by our floundering President and his evil grimacing VP, standing behind him like some kind of Golem. Which Democratic senators is he going to attempt to kiss this time? Lieberman, pucker up mofo.

Tonight - Tuesday - January 23, 2007

State of the Union Address (ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, PBS, CNN, 6:00 p.m.)

Bucks @ Clippers (PRIME, 7:30 p.m.)

American Idol (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) More auditions

Gilmore Girls (the CW, 8:00 p.m.) A belated but new holiday episode

Veronica Mars (the CW, 9:00 p.m.) Veronica helps track down a missing research monkey

Larry King Live (CNN, 9:00 p.m.) State of the Union post-game analysis

Invincible (IFC, 9:45 p.m.) Werner Herzog's flick about a Nazi (Tim Roth) who hires a Jewish strongman as an entertainer for his nightclub.

Dirt (FX, 10:00 p.m.) Lucy continues to blackmail in order to further her smutty celebrity rag

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Former Chairman of the Democratic National Committee Terry McAuliffe

The Colber(t) Repor(t) (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) Former Lieutenant Governor of Maryland, Michael Steele, you know, the black guy that the Republicans tried to get elected as Senator

Late Show With David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) "The Office" and "Extras" creator Ricky Gervais, Golden Globe winner Forest Whitaker, the Shins perform

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) "Two and a Half Men" guy Jon Cryer, Switchfoot perform

Jimmy Kimmel LIVE (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) Pat O'Brien, "Prison Break" guy Dominic Purcell, Sunshine Anderson perform

Dubyah at the '05 State of the Union via the AP

A Word or 80:
Spent the weekend in Canada, my first visit, in the province of Quebec to be exact. I found the radio programming to be innovative and excellent but television sucked. I'm sure there's some good programmes (please give me cred for the spelling) out there but in a first glance/overview kind of perspective it was wanting. Dear Canuck friends, don't take it personally, American TV sucks for the most part as well, the shit is just packaged better and it has an air freshener stuck to the box.

Tonight - Monday - January 22nd, 2007

Warriors @ Lakers (Fox Sports, 7:30 p.m.)

Prison Break (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) Back from hiatus

How I Met Your Mother/The Class/Two and a Half Men/The New Adventures of Old Christine/CSI: Miami (CBS, 8-11:00 p.m.) All new episodes start with Marshall's nude painting.

Wife Swap/Supernanny (ABC, 8-10:00 p.m.) Thanks Disney, for these gems of programming.

Heroes (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) Back from hiatus

24 (Fox, 9:00 p.m.) Widespread terrorist attacks go on.

Gonzaga @ Portland (ESPN, 9:00 p.m.)

A Man for All Seasons (TCM, 9:30 p.m.) The '66 classic you may have seen in high school English class. Starring Paul Scofield, Robert Shaw, Orson Welles, John Hurt, etc. etc.

Engaged & Underage (MTV, 9:30 p.m.) Series premiere

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) Back from hiatus. Watch it while you can.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Former Allied Supreme Commander Gen. Rupert Smith

The Colber(t) Repor(t) (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) Political scientist Tom Schaller

Charlie Rose (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) former Treasury Secretary Robert ("Rick") Rubin, Harvard Black Studies Prof. Henry Louis Gates Jr.

Late Show With David Letterman (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Dave Fave Kevin Spacey, Alicia Keys perhaps hoping for an Academy nod for her songs in "Glory Road", Nellie McKay and the Brooklyn Philharmonic perform

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Jennifer Garner, Extreme-annoyer Ty Pennington, (Li'l) Bow Wow (ain't so little) performs

Cousin It/Penelope Cruz (left) w/ Kevin Spacey (right) via AP

Answer: The favorite Los Angeles neighborhood of Jeopardy host Alex Trebek.

Question: What is Studio City?

A few months ago when we visited the set of Jeopardy to cheer on a friend, Alex Trebek started his usual Q & A with the audience. The rules: don't ask how much he makes and don't ask overly personal questions. Easy enough. So why not ask a geeky Los Angeles question?

Alex lives in Studio City and loves it for all the easily accessible amenities. As a man who loves to take care of his home gardens, he is particularly fond of having nearby stores to grab some dirt and flower seeds. Even in one of the most metropolitan parts of the Valley, everything you need is where you are.

Alex also mentioned that he will never eat at Jack in the Box again after the Sirloin Steak and Cheddar Burger commercial. You know, the commercial where they announce they have invented a car that runs on water only to be interrupted by an important news alert about Jack's new hamburger. That was a nasty trick.

Photo by thinbegin via Flickr

If you ask us, Stephen Colbert does a way better O'Reilly than Bill, and schooled the Fox News host on both The Factor and The Report last night. He was way funnier, stayed in character better, had sweeter lines, and was more surprising than Senor Loofah, even while in the No-Spin Zone.

Some might say that Colbert delivered a first-round knockout to O'Reilly when he snuck a bomb past Bill-O only seconds after sitting down on the Comedy Central show.

"(Jon Stewart) is a sexual predator," Colbert said, denying that one of the hecklers in the crowd booing O'Reilly was "The Daily Show" host. "That's why I had to leave, Bill. You have no idea what that's like."

Video of both of last night's appearances after the jump...

A Word Or 78:
Last night I didn't watch anything that I had listed or even Tivoed. I ended up watching "Monster In a Box" on IFC because I had the privelege of seeing Spalding Gray a couple times and there he was again on TV. Wile watching the movie I found it extraordinarily sad to both hear this amazing person talk about his mother's suicide as well as allude to committing suicide himself. So tonight I'm definitely watching some senseless comedy.

Tonight - Thursday - January 18th, 2007

Ducks @ Oilers (KDOC, 6:00 p.m.)

"The O'Reilly Factor" (FoxNews, 8:00 p.m.) Stephen Colbert guests!

"CSI" (CBS, 8-10:00 p.m.) 2 hours, one old - one new

"Smallville" (the CW, 8:00 p.m.) The Green Arrow gets some help from some buddies to take down LuthorCorp's secret lab.

"My Name Is Earl/The Office/Scrubs/30 Rock" (NBC, 8-10 p.m.) All new. Also, "Scrubs" is a musical episode tonight - has the show jumped the shark or what?

"Ugly Betty" (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) Golden Globe winner - Betty hooks Daniel up with a supermodel

"American Chopper" (TLC, 9:00 p.m.) Season Premiere. The boys are back, amazing that they're still on TLC

"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) "Faggot" brew-haha is meant to ensure extra viewership this week.

"Supernatural" (the CW, 9:00 p.m.) Sam & Dean go to CT to investigate imaginary friends.

"The O.C." (FOX, 9:00 p.m.) Watch it while you can.

"Men In Trees" (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) Someone wanted me to mention this show. Tonight is a new one. There.

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Robin Wright Penn and I can't tell what she's pushing, other than that she has so far survived being married to Sean Penn

"The Colbert Report" (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) The Master, Bill O'Reilly guests!

"Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Harry Shearer pusing his new book, which is excellent BTW

"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) "Shark" James Woods, mean comedian Lisa Lampanelli, Five for Fighting perform

"Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Failed talk show host Megan Mullally, Annuals

"The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" (CBS, 12:35 a.m.) Chevy Chase (is still alive?), "Early Show" anchor Hannah Storm, Montgomery Gentry performs

"Jimmy Kimmel LIVE" (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) Rupert Everett who just seems to be doing voice-overs now, Sophia Bush pushes "The Hitcher", Robin Thicke and Pharrell perform

O'Reilly & Colbert via AP

A Word or 33:
Is anyone watching "Idol"? I can't believe it's back, I just haven't accepted it. Maybe when Diana Ross comes on as a consultant, perhaps after she sues "Dreamgirls," then I might consider it.

Today - Wednesday - January 17th, 2007

Lakers @ Spurs (KCAL, 6:00 p.m.)

"Foreign Correspondent" (TCM, 7:00 p.m.) A '40s classic from Hitchcock.

"American Idol" (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) Season premiere part deux.

"Armed & Famous" (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) LaToya helps a pregnant woman who delivers in her car, that poor baby to have LaToya be one of the first sights in its new world.

"22nd Century" (PBS, 9:00 p.m.) A new theory suggests that all brains will be wired together like the web. Dude.

"Beauty and the Geek" (the CW, 8:00 p.m.) Geek makeover.

"According to Jim" (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) A full hour, if you can take it.

"The Third Man" (TCM, 9:15 p.m.) With Orson Welles, excellent chase scene through the sewers of Austria - one of the best movies ever.

"The Naked Trucker and T-Bones Show" (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.) Series premiere.

"Maui Fever" (MTV, 10:30 p.m.) Series premiere. They have antibiotics for that you know.

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Living legend Jerry Rice

"Charlie Rose (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) Living legend Peter O'Toole

"The Colber(t) Repor(t)" (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) Living legend Sir Richard Clarke

"Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) The irrepressable Tina Fey, Terri and Bindi Irwin

"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) "Harpie" Meredith Vieira, Ryan Reynolds (one of the guys from "Two Guys, A Girl..."), Robin Thicke performs

"Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Robin Wright Penn, young actor guy Colin Hanks, the Holmes Brothers perform

"The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" (CBS, 12:35 a.m.) Juliette Lewis(!), Common, Aaron Lewis (the guy from Staind) performs

"Jimmy Kimmel LIVE" (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) "Scrubs" guy Zach Braff, "Scrubs" guy Donald Faison, "Flying Tomato" Shaun White, Naked Trucker & T-Bones from Comedy Central

the remaining Irwins via AP

Long Beach native Morgan J. Freeman has lived the good life, and finally he's sharing some of it with the rest of the world.

Because Southern California wasn't plush enough, Morgan got his undergrad degree at UC Santa Barbara (where he met yours truly while we worked with each other at the college paper), jetted out to NYU for a little film school. Picked up a Sundance award during his last days at film school, and began making movies with the likes of Kate Hudson and Christina Ricci.

Television knocked on the door so Morgan answered. First he directed some Dawson's Creek, then MTV's Laguna Beach, and somewhere during that he told the suits that he had an idea: Laguna Beach in Hawaii - and call it "Island Fever."

The suits lit their cigars, gave our boy wheelbarrows full of dollar bills pushed by girls in bikinis, and Morgan and his crew jetted out to Maui and put together "Maui Fever" which premieres tonight on MTV at 10:30p right after the Real World.

Although Morgan is a cool guy, we thought our readers would prefer one of those bikini gals to give us their top reasons for us to watch the show instead of the creator, and if you continue with us after the jump you will hear from Chaunte, the petite little party girl who, if all goes well, you will be hearing a Lot about in the next few months.

A Word or 30:
Golden Globes redux: was happy that Sacha Baron Cohen won; Forest Whitaker, OK; Alec Baldwin, thank you; but "Cars"? "Grey's Anatomy"? No wonder I hate those award skeet skeet sessions.

Tonight - Tuesday - January 16th, 2007

Blues @ Ducks (PRIME, 7:00 p.m.)

"American Idol" (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) 2 hour season premiere

"America's Funniest Home Videos" (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) A two hour death march of fun

"The Unit" (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) William H. Macy materializes as the President with a top secret assignment.

"Frontline" (PBS, 9:00 p.m.) Investigation of the child-molesting coverup organization, the Archdiocese of Boston

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) American-Israeli historian and journalist Michael Oren

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Paul Newman(!), auto racer Sebastian Bourdais, Diana Ross(!) performs

"The Colber(t) Repor(t)" (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) Conservative author, AOL "blogger," and former boyfriend of Ann Coulter, Dinesh D'Souza: refers to the NEA as the "National Endowment for Pornography"

"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Matt Lauer (again), All-American Rejects perform

"Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) SNL-alum Tracy Morgan, Jim Gaffigan which means another episode of "Pale Force", Sparta performs

"The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" (CBS, 12:35 a.m.) Dame Helen Mirren, comedian Steve Trevino performs

"Jimmy Kimmel LIVE" (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) the Donald Trump, scary Carrot Top (he's all ripped now), Radiant performs

Helen Mirren at the Golden Globes via AP

Overheard at the Golden Globe Awards:

"'Everyone's drinking,' said Weeds star and supporting-actor nominee Justin Kirk. 'You sit at a table and they feed you and drink you.'" -- AP

"Cameron Diaz was probably the worst dressed at the entire awards show." -- Worst Dressed List at HollyScoop

"I love gay. I wanted to be gay," said Grey's Anatomy's Isaiah Washington on the red carpet. "Please let me be gay." -- AP.

"Washington took the microphone from [show creator Shonda] Rhimes and said: 'I did not call [outed "Grey's" co-star] T.R. [Knight] a faggot.'" -- Out in Hollywood.

"I swear I have my papers, governor, I swear," Mexican director [of "Babel"] Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu joked in heavily accented English after being announced winner by the crutches-wielding Gov. Schwarzenegger. -- L.A. Times.

"Thank you to every American who has not sued me so far." -- Sacha Baron Cohen, via "Winning Quotes at Golden Globes."

"Dreamgirls" snagged 3 awards, Scorcese won best director, and Baron Cohen got the nod (over Johnny Depp) for best role in a comedy as Borat. "Ugly Betty" scored best TV comedy.

Full results at The Hollywood Foreign Press Association.

Kudos to The Daily News' new Red Carpet blog for keeping up with (if not besting) L.A. Times The Envelope's coverage.

more at The Hollywood Reporter.

AP photo by Kevork Djansezian

A Word or 44:
The first 1/2 of the "24" season premiere was quite good even though I don't understand how Jack found the terrorist dude before his house got blown up. Also, was there some anal play going on between Jack and the first terrorist guy? Kinky.

Tonight - Monday - January 15th, 2007

"Lawrence of Arabia" (TCM, 5:00 p.m.) Quite possibly the best movie ever made.

"Hamlet" (IFC, 6:00 p.m.) Classic Shakespeare in a contemporary setting: a corporate takeover. With Ethan Hawke, Kyle MacLachlan, Sam Shepard, Liev Schreiber, Bill Murray, etc.

"The 64th Annual Golden Globe Awards" (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) The glitz, the glamour, the bad hairdos. If "The Office" and "Rome" get awards, then I'll be happy.

"24" (FOX, 8:00 p.m.) No duh.

"Wife Swap" (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) This time one of the wives is a professional bodybuilder and they send her to care for a family of little people.

"Emeril Live" (FOOD, 8:00 p.m.) This time he kicks New England comfort food up a notch.

"The Class" (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) Kat begins stalking.

"Supernanny" (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) A widow begins to lose control of her 4 children, did she ever really have control?

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Amy Sedaris(!), magician Jason Randal, Ryan Adams performs [tomorrow Paul Newman and Diana Ross will be on!]

"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:30 p.m.) a non-"exhausted" Paula Abdul, D.L. Hughley, Tyrese and Lil Jon(!) perform

"Charlie Rose" (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) Director Sam Mendes

"Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Ice-T, "Prison Break" guy Dominic Purcell, comic Dana Gould performs

"The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" (CBS, 12:35 a.m.) It's all about Fantasia tonight

the Ex-Mrs. Emilio Estevez via AP

While this is hardly the first time a bare midriff and cheap dye-job have swayed an otherwise discerning focus, we at LAist would like to commend this cameraperson for their pro-obscenity stance and their “fair & balanced” coverage of today's Eagles/Saints game. Bravo. Down with FCC regulation. Down with sportsmanship. Down with spelling. Up with people.

Go Birds.

Photos by Jeremy Weinstein

A Word or 24(!):
Don't forget Jake Gyllenhaal hosting "SNL" on Saturday, and then on Sunday the season premieres of "24" (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) and "Rome" (HBO, 9:00 p.m.).

Tonight - Friday - January 12, 2007

"The Killers" (TCM, 7:15 p.m.) Burt Lancaster and Ava Gardner star in this '46 noir classic.

Magic @ Lakers (Fox Sports, 7:30 p.m.)

"Ghost Whisperer" (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) What more can be said about an episode entitled "Deja Boo"
"Las Vegas" (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) WIth a very very special appearance by Judd Nelson

"20/20" (ABC, 9:55 p.m.) A Phoenix teen arrested for looking at porn web sites? The horror.

"Charlie Rose" (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) If you can't get enough Kiefer Sutherland

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Kristin Chenoweth (kinda late for "Deck the Halls"?), John (can we handle more than one) Witherspoon, Josh Ritter performs

"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno: (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Renée Zellweger pushing "Miss Potter", comedian Joy Behar, Common performs

"Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) The Kiefer Sutherland death march continues, Jill Hennessy from "Crossing Jordan", Gym Class Heroes perform

Gym Class Heroes from their MySpace

Starting tomorrow, Saturday, January 13th, at 5:00 p.m., TVGasm.com embarks on a marathon of "24" viewing in eager and obsessive anticipation of the season premiere on Sunday. They've got tons of schwag they're going to give away, an Edgar tribute, call-ins, guests, contests, and they're hoping to get Kiefer and anybody else from the show to stop by. I had a chance to pepper co-host Saul Friedman with some LAist-specific questions, namely what "24" drinking games are good, as well as what he thinks is going to happen in Season 6.

LAist: Saul, thanks for answering our questions, so you are a host for MTV Overdrive _and_ now you're going to stay up and do this "24" marathon – how do you do it? I'm sure the sheer adrenaline of watching "24" all over again (sarcasm) will be a contributor, but spill some beans here. Are you and co-host Marc (Horowitz, the guy who has been living in his car in those Nissan commercials) going to rely on each other a bit to pull yourselves through this?

SAUL: Energy drinks. . . lots and lots of energy drinks. We'll have a running tally of energy drinks consumed and subsequent bathroom breaks it takes to get through this 24 tribute.We really want to get Kiefer to call in (or better yet pop in) and we will spend a lot of time hunting him down. We also hope our viewers who know anything about him or where he hangs out will call or text in and help us out. We have a ton of activities and guests planned to keep us occupied. Marc and I haven’t talked much about what we have planned for each other so the shock of each new thing we do will be enough of an adrenaline rush to push us through. Also, joining Marc and I for the full 24 hours will be a 24 newbie who we need to catch up on 5 seasons of the show. . . ummm, how obvious is it that I'm talking in circles trying to avoid the real answer to your question which is, “Crap, what am I getting myself into?”

LAist: A couple years ago some friends and I came up with a drinking game for "24," so that, for example, every time somebody got killed or if Jack said "dammit" we drank – some nights were just brutal. Do you have any such plans in the works and/or could you help us out with our game because, since I've written it down here in black and white, it doesn't look so brilliant.

SAUL: I’ve played the first game you talked about, but Ive never heard of the “dammit” drinking game, I don’t know if my liver could handle that. At TVgasm.com we’ve done the "Chloe furling of the brow" drinking game. When she’s on, if she furls her brow, you must drink, be sure to have an EMT nearby,

LAist: Part of what makes "24" interesting for LAist readers is that in the show Los Angeles is perpetually in peril: from terrorists (and corrupt Administrations) using nukes, bioterror, bullets/bombs – so the question is, what are they gonna do to us now? Some visitors to LA may feel that losing all or part of the city wouldn't be such a bad thing. Your thoughts on this? Any particular neighborhoods you think should go?

SAUL: For your readers who watched SHOWTIME's incredible second season of SLEEPER CELL, they saw the Hollywood Bowl nearly get nuked. While I wouldn’t want to see the Bowl go, I would be fine if the Highland exit of the 101 North all the way down to Hollywood Blvd was attacked so that during its rebuilding, a little common sense could be used. I don’t know who thought building a ginormous amphitheatre next to a bottle-necking street, but they didn’t take my shot-glass bladder on a Friday evening in the summertime into account. Other than that, all the places I kinda gate in LA individually, when put together give this town the perfect balance of beauty, history, opulence, pompousness, car theft and reality that makes LA, LA. . .except Little Ethiopia, I mean really, at what point did someone say “we need a little Ethiopia?”

A Word or 42:
There's nothing funnier than watching pundits try to fill in the 7 minutes after a Presidential speech ends and before regular programming resumes. Great delivery on the speech though, it reminded me of the animatronic Lincoln I saw at Disneyland in 1977.

Tonight - Thursday - January 11th, 2007

"Smallville" (the CW, 8:00 p.m.) Tori Spelling guests

"My Name Is Ed"/"The Office"/"Scrubs"/"30 Rock"/"ER" (NBC, 8-11:00 p.m.) ALL NEW

"Ugly Betty" (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) Featuring a kinder, gentler Wilhelmina

"Grey's Anatomy" (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) Back from hiatus!

"Larry King Live (CNN, 9:00 p.m.) the remaining Irwins, Terri and Bindi

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Arabian Peter O'Toole(!!)

"Charlie Rose" (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) Senator Chuck Hagel, Kiefer Sutherland

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Uncontrollable adopter Madonna, paler than pale Julianne Moore, the Hold Steady perform

"The Colber(t) Repor(t)" (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) say my name 10x fast Judy Woodruff

"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Dame Helen Mirren, Dame Isaac Mizrahi, Los Lonely Boys perform, aren't a couple of those guys on parole or something?

"Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) high school drop-out Hilary Swank, (seems like he should be a high school dropout) Artie Lange, the Black Keys perform

"The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" (CBS, 12:35 a.m.) Emily Watson pushing "Miss Potter", former Spinal Tap drummer Ed Begley Jr., comedian Cash Levy performs

Kiefer via AP

A Word or 23:
Our President attempts to communicate using the English language tonight, thus causing a ripple effect of TV scheduling problems extending well into primetime.

Tonight - Wednesday - January 10th, 2007

Lakers @ Rockets (KCAL, 5:30 p.m.)

"Presidential Address" (PBS, CBS, ABC, FOX, etc. 6:00 p.m.) This'll be good, get ready for it.

"Armed and Famous" (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) Series Premiere. Wee Man, Eric Estrada, Jack Osbourne, and LaToya Jackson are citizens on patrol.

"Friday Night Lights" (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) I guess we didn't get enough collegiate and high school football over the last 6 weeks.

"Beauty and the Geek" (the CW, 8:00 p.m.) The geeks get a nude girl.

"According to Jim" (ABC, 8-9:00 p.m.) You get a pair of new ones tonight.

"In Case of Emergency" (ABC, 9:30 p.m.) New episode.

"The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency" (Oxygen, 10:00 p.m.) Season premiere.

"Primetime" (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) Medical Mysteries episode - dwarfism, stuttering, ectodermal displasia.

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Governor Mike (I HEART) Huckabee

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Peter O'Toole(!!) , comedian Marc Maron performs

"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Senator John Edwards, Croc Hunter wife Terri Irwin, Mindy Smith performs

"Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Mr. Courteney Cox (David Arquette), "30 Rock" funny guy Lonny Ross, martial arts guy Chuck "The Iceman" Lidell

Bush via AP

If you haven't noticed, HBO is currently rebroadcasting season one of "Rome" and while it is worth it to watch the episodes on TV you will miss quite a lot. HBO and the BBC teamed up to bring this John Milius/Bruno Heller creation to the screen. Filmed in 35mm it is the most completely detailed and character driven effort to recreate imperial Rome since the abstract, studio-bound 1970s effort, "I Claudius", based on the widely respected and famous translator of ancient Roman texts, Robert Graves.

Everything in "Rome" is real, or at least as real as it can be: the armor is handmade out of leather and metal; the "soldiers" went through several weeks of boot camp living as centurions in tents, in the mud, next to a lake, with no hot water, in winter; the horse saddles have no stirrups since they weren't invented yet; the Forum set is a full six acres, largest set in the world, and the extras are all Romans; the graffiti on the walls is recreated from period graffiti found in Rome and Pompeii; etc. The detail is incredibly breathtaking and the attention and care paid by the set and costume designers is more than obvious.

The dialogue is formal but not annoyingly classicalized, and the characterizations are well crafted - senators and soldiers are humanized and interact as close to real people as I have seen in any production on ancient Rome. Cato, Cicero, Brutus, Pompey, and Mark Anthony interact with each other, they don't orate at each other.

The two "everyman" characters, centurions Lucius Vorenus and Titus Pullo, are based on historical figures that Julius Caesar himself wrote about in the history of his campaigns in Gaul. Lucius Vorenus is played by Kevin McKidd, the only actor American audiences will probably recognize, from his role as Tommy, the junkie who dies of AIDS in "Trainspotting." Since not much more is known about these two soldiers other than Caesar’s entries, a lot of necessary and well-done liberties are taken to make their storyline flesh out "Rome." Their characters are dynamic and interesting and I genuinely want to know what is going to happen with them in season two.

Tonight - Tuesday - January 9th, 2006

Lakers @ Grizzlies (KCAL, 5:00 p.m.)

Ducks @ Predators (PRIME, 5:00 p.m.)

"Dateline NBC" (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) The one-track minds at NBC have dug up yet another polygamist murderer

"Rome" (HBO, 8:00 p.m.) HBO is rerunning Season One in preparation for the season two debut on Sunday. Look for my upcoming DVD review on the Season-One set.

"House" (FOX, 9:00 p.m.) House is back - and he goes to court.

"Big Day" (ABC, 9-10:00 p.m.) The wedding death march continues

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent"/"...SVU" (NBC, 9-11:00 p.m.) New episodes but I'm not sure you'll be able to tell.

"The 33rd Annual People's Choice Awards" (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) Queen Latifah hosts

"Larry King Live" (CNN, 9:00 p.m.) Kiefer Sutherland and the cast of "24"

"Boston Legal" (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) Torn from the headlines episode re: a doctor who is suspected of euthanizing patients during Katrina

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Penélope Cruz not Cruise, Gary Muledeer, Ben E. King performs

"The Colber(t) Repor(t)" (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) Crazy investor guy Jim Cramer

"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Ben Affleck, Jewel performs

"Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Donald Trump and his hair, Mos Def

Craig Ferguson (CBS, 12:35 a.m.) Jonathan Silverman pushing "In Case of Emergency", San Diego Charger Antonio Gates, Greg Proops comedy guy

Trump via AP

Superbowl Commercials have become a game unto themselves and the hype can officially start since Yahoo! has teamed up with Doritos to run a contest in which site visitors can vote for their favorite consumer-made Doritos video. Cast your vote HERE.

The contest runs until January 19, 2007 and the top five finalists have already received a prize of $10,000 and a trip to Miami (not to SEE the game mind you) but watch from a private viewing room. The Grand Prize winner's submission will be aired during the Super Bowl XLI.

The Yahoo! catch? Well you have to have a login to your Yahoo! account of course. Corporate marketing at its, cough, best.

* Ali Landry not included, that was just a cruel trick to get you to read the entire post. Oh we're so clever.

A Word or 39-ish:
So whadyathinkof "the Apprentice: LA"? Was it LA-flavored enough for you or did it perpetuate the idiotic stereotypes all over again? It might have been better if they had manage to quarantine that thing to the East coast.

Tonight - Monday - January 8th, 2007

Ohio State Buckeyes vs. the Florida Gators (FOX, 5:30 p.m.) This is it, the "BCS National Championship" football game

Oilers @ Kings (Fox Sports, 7:30 p.m.) NHL

"How I Met Your Mother" (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) Everybody talks about their "first" time.

"Gay, Straight or Taken?" (Lifetime, 8:00 p.m.) Series premiere. Is your gaydar on?

"Wife Swap"/"Supernanny" (ABC, 8-10:00 p.m.) ABC's pair of family-hell exploitationistas

"I Love New York" (VH1, 9:00 p.m.) Series premiere. If you couldn't get enough of Flavor Flav's "True Love" New York, she's got her own show now (thanks liz!)

"Tom Thumb" (TCM, 9:30 p.m.) With Terry-Thomas and Peter Sellers in this 1958 fantasty, you can't go wrong. Stoners' delight.

"CSI: Miami" (CBS, 9:55 p.m.) The lab guys try to prove Natalia's innoncence.

"The (White) Rapper Show" (VH1, 10:30 p.m.) Series premiere. Hosted by MC Serch from 3rd Bass.

"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central, 11:00 p.m.) Comedian Louis C.K. pushing "Lucky Louie"

"The Colber(t) Repor(t)" (Comedy Central, 11:30 p.m.) Drug policy Czar Ethan Nadelman

"The Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) David Arquette pushing "In Case of Emergency", Jennifer Hudson pushing "Dreamgirls"

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Kiefer Sutherland pushing new season of "24", Betty White (is still alive??), American Idol Chris Daughtry performs

"Late Night With Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Matt Lauer (doesn't he get enough airtime on "Today"?), Ugly Betty America Ferrera, Little Big Town performs

photo of Jon Stewart via Comedy Central

A Word or ~43:
Welcome to the weekend my little ones. Other than the local teams the NBA is lighting up the dial all over the place tonight. During your busy weekend don't forget that "The L Word" and "The Apprentice: LA" are coming back on Sunday.

Tonight - Friday - January 5th, 2007

Clippers @ Wizards (the CW, 5:30 p.m.)

Blue Jackets @ Ducks (PRIME, 7:00 p.m.)

Nuggets @ Lakers (Fox Sports, 7:30p.m.)

"The Great Train Robbery" (TCM, 5:00 p.m.) Michael Crichton directed this 1979 version of his novel about the 1855 robbery with Sean Connery, Donald Sutherland, and others

"Ghost Whisperer" (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) Desperate spirits pull on Melinda somewhere.

"Las Vegas" (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) It's a shame that this is where I have to go to see James Caan.
"Mars Attacks!" (TCM, 9:00 p.m.) Tim Burton's sci-fi spoof, no commercials yo!

"Bubba Ho-Tep" (IFC, 9:00 p.m.) This is indescribable, you just gotta see it, it features Bruce Campbell so you know it has that comedy/horror thing going on.

"NUMB3RS" (CBS, 10:00 p.m.) It's a hot Friday night featuring polygamy, rape, and murder.

"Charlie Rose" (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) Conductor Zubin Mehta and writer/columnist Calvin Trillin

"The Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) the Donald Trump, Mary Lynn Rajskub from "24"

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Bald football guy Terry Bradshaw, award-winning baker Marjorie Johnson, Papa Roach performs

"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Cedric the Entertainer pushing 'the Cleaner', John Pizzarelli does his Sinatra rip-off jazz thing

Bubba Ho-Tep Poster

Has it really come to this?

Today Jermaine Jackson (one of the less-insane Jacksons) was the first guest to enter the Celebrity Big Brother UK house.

Things we learn from this clip:

1) Jermaine was not taught how to moonwalk

2) Jermaine doesn't say LA, he says Los Angeles

3) Someone else sang in the Jackson 5 other than Michael

The below piece is in reference to Keith Olbermann's closing statement from his January 2nd show. Get the full transcript here; just scroll to the end for his 'special comment about sacrifice' and watch the clip after the jump.

Full disclosure: I am admittedly a fan of Keith Olbermann and his P.O.V. The above-referenced clip is not his best work, and LAist Editor-in-Chief Tony Pierce said it felt "forced" and ran far too long, which are valid points; I take it in the context that while again listing the endless reasons why we're sending more American troops to Iraq is something like a long forced march, it's still a necessary march.

What is interesting about what Olbermann is saying is that nobody else on TV is saying it, with the exception of Dennis Kucinich (whom everyone is ignoring) and Cindy Sheehan (whom we don't actually hear say anything, we only hear about her getting arrested 'again') -- and neither of those people has an actual career in TV.

Whenever 'the Daily Show' and 'Colbert Report' come back from hiatus, those funny boys might say something about the fact that a year ago Bush was saying that the US needs to have fewer troops in Iraq, and now he's done a 180. But when we're talking about over 3,000 dead Americans, the prospect of sending more troops (and definitely increasing the number of dead) for purely political reasons isn't so funny. Just like Letterman's jokes about Saddam Hussein's execution weren't funny on Tuesday night.

C'mon Lou Dobbs, the other voice of basic cable reason, stand up! Katie Couric, you were supposed to help change the evening news, here's your chance to do something before they pull the plug on you. Can't one of the harpies on 'The View' make a statement to get Rosie's (according to the Donald) 'fat pig' ass out of the spotlight? Who will break ranks first? What corporate sponsor would dare argue with the viewpoint voted in by the American people? This will be a fight worth watching and it will be a chance to make TV, and especially the news, relevant again.

A Word or 82:
The long drought is over my friends -- regular programming is back, we have new shows and new series coming on every day. My life has some purpose again. My thumb was blistered from almost 2 weeks of endlessly scrolling through channel after channel of repeats and other unwatchable TV - I had almost depleted my tin of Bag Balm. Thank you TV, thank you networks, I may have said some harsh things last week but it was the blackberry brandy talkin', I swear.

Tonight - Thursday - January 4th, 2007

Lakers @ Kings (KCAL, 7:30 p.m.)

"My Name Is Earl"/"The Office"/"Scrubs"/"30 Rock"/"ER" (NBC, 8:00-11:00 p.m.) All back with new episodes!

"Ugly Betty" (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) is back!

"CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) Back!

"The O.C." (FOX, 9:00 p.m.) The beginning of the end - soak up these episodes folks before the show goes away in Feb.

"Final 24" (Biography Channel, 10:00 p.m.) Series premiere! About the last 24 hours of movie stars' and celebrities' lives.

"Afro Samurai" (Spike TV, 11:00 p.m.) (Mini)Series premiere! Animated series with Samuel L. Jackson voicing the main character.

"The Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Cedric the Entertainer still can't find his last name, Switchfoot performs

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) Hilary Swank pushing 'Freedom Writers', comedian Tom Papa, Akon performs

"Jimmy Kimmel LIVE" (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) Indie babe Maggie Gyllenhaal, Motel 6 guy Tom O'Dell, Lindsey Buckingham performs

"Late Night Conan O'Brien (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Animal doofus Jarod Miller, Louis C.K. performs

Maggie G. and her bro at the 2005 Academy Awards via AP

It's been a great ride, but the wheels have finally come off the bandwagon for The OC. TMZ is reporting that Fox has officially cancelled the show, with the final episode airing on February 22.

As Tony mentioned a month ago, ratings for the suburban drama have been plummeting from the days of '04 when it was the must-see program on Wednesday nights.

Certainly to many non-Southern Californians, "The OC" was the first exposure to life behind the orange curtain. For us native-Orange Countians, it meant needless inquiries from out-of-town friends asking whether my life was really as cushy as Ryan Atwood or Marissa Cooper. And with MTV's "Laguna Beach" reinforcing the suburban image laid out by "The OC", it seems my childhood was solely comprised of beautiful beaches, hot girls, ridiculous parties, and tricked out rides. Sweet!

Now if the CW would just greenlight that pilot about Little Saigon, then I could get some street cred back. Welcome to the OC bitch! This is how we do it in Orange County!

Photo by Paul!!!

One Minute Review:
So Courteney Cox Arquette's new venture, 'Dirt', was, as Borat would say, "Dirt from anus". Also, did anyone catch Letterman last night? The first half of the show was devoted to jokes about Saddam's execution, including the Top Ten. I don't think it went over that well, except for maybe at the White House.

Tonight - Wednesday - January 3rd, 2007

Blue Jackets @ Kings (Fox Sports, 7:30 p.m.)

"Friday Night Lights" (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) Is back from hiatus. The Panthers prepare for yet another game that they just can't afford to lose.

"Beauty and the Geek" (the CW, 8:00 p.m.) Season Premiere.

"The King of Queens" (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) Season finale.

"Wired Science" (PBS, 8:00 p.m.) Series premiere. This show translates WIRED magazine to broadcast TV. The premiere episode features meteorite hunters; virus harvesting in Yellowstone; and NASA's astronaut training facility.

"According to Jim" (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) Season Premiere.

"Knights of Prosperity" (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) Series Premiere.

"American Masters: Annie Leibovitz: Life Through a Lens" (PBS, 9:00 p.m.) Profile of the photographer, her work and her philosophy.

"In Case of Emergency" (ABC, 9:30 p.m.) Series Premiere.

"Larry King Live" (CNN, 9:00 p.m.) James Brown tribute show featuring his widow, Tommie Raye Hynie, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Little Richard, etc.

"Medium" (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) Is back. And now our housewife-clairvoyant's daughter can communicate with the spirits.

"The Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) Matt Lauer (Today on tonight), Artie Lange with his incredible insight, Augustana perofrms

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) purportedly Cameron Diaz-free(??) (what an idiot) Justin Timberlake brings sexy to Leno, Masi Oka, Matisyahu performs Hasidic dreddd

"Jimmy Kimmel LIVE" (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) Courteney Cox Arquette talks about her embarassingly bad show, Andy Dick embarasses himself for us, Twilight Singers simply perform

"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) Placido Domingo(!)

AP pic of Placido Domingo at the Metropolitan Opera House

Tonight - Monday - January 2nd

New Series Alert:
"Dirt" premieres on FX tonight. They've been pushing this series for months now, effectively ruining my viewing of "Nip/Tuck" with their incessant Peter Gabriel-soundtracked promos. I wasn't a fan of Peter Gabriel in the first place so that didn't help. Since FX hasn't thought it fit to send me a preview of upcoming episodes I'll have to get creative here. Courteney Cox looks hot and powerful and cold too - however, I have been enticed to watch since I hear that she will masturbate in one of the first three episodes and since I've never seen anything like that before I must take notes for future reference. For additional FX shock factor there will be a prostitute with a strap-on taking care of her male client. This is a series about fame and Hollywood and the tabloidism that has replaced good taste and culture in the United States and since y'all live in LA you'll have to watch at least one episode. Will it be worth it to watch more? I dunno, but next time FX should send DVDs to us here at LAist.

"Dateline NBC" (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) Murder and deception in Northern Michigan. You'd think they'd want some excitement up there.

"Emeril Live" (FOOD, 8:00 p.m.) Unveiling his "Fit for Life" healthy recipes. Get started on the right foot with your resolutions this year, although, after looking at Emeril, I'm not so sure he's the one I'd go to for this kind of guidance.

"Law & Order: Criminal Intent" (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) I made the terrible mistake of watching a rerun of this show a couple weeks ago and I was appalled at the horrible writing and wooden acting.

"Law & Order: SVU" (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) I'm sure this show is so totally and completely different than the preceding one.

"Dirt" (FX, 10:00 p.m.) Series premiere. Courteney Cox returns to the small screen.

"The Late Show with David Letterman" (CBS, 11:30 p.m.) wilted pixie Martin Short, nutty Irishman Donal Logue

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC, 11:35 p.m.) non-aspiring presidential candidate George Clooney, aspiring presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, Unwritten Law perform

"Jimmy Kimmel LIVE" (ABC, 12:05 a.m.) comedian George Lopez, Giuliana DePandi (say it ten-times-fast), EMO ALERT: My Chemical Romance performs

"Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (NBC, 12:35 a.m.) ladies loved LL Cool J, Gov't Mule performs

Courteney Cox in "Dirt" pic released via AP

Today - Monday - January 1st, 2007

"118th Annual Tournament of Roses Parade" (the CW, 8:00 a.m. and then again at 10:30 a.m.) from my old hometown of Pasadena

"National Geographic's Most Amazing Moments Marathon"(National Geographic Channel, 12:00 p.m.) How will National Geographic be able to top these moments in 2007? It's gonna be impossible.

"Dukes of Hazzard Marathon" (CMT, 1:00 p.m.) The marathon includes both the "Dukes of Hazzard: Hazzard in Hollywood" and the "Dukes of Hazzard Reunion" episodes!! I'm fittin' to spit with joy!

"The Rose Bowl: Michigan vs. USC" (ABC, 1:45 p.m.)

"World's Strongest Man Marathon" (ESPN2, 2:00 p.m.) Hours of big guys moving big things - lots of grunting: softcore gay porn.

"Punk: Attitude" (IFC, 2:05 p.m.) This documentary from Don Letts gives us the right demeanor for the year.

"The Blob" (TCM, 3:30 p.m.) It's what you might feel like.

"Great Performances - From Vienna: The New Year's Celebration 2007" (PBS, 9:00 p.m.) If punk wasn't for you, then start with some culture, namely Strauss waltzes conducted by Zubin Mehta in Vienna, of all places.

"Geraldo at Large" (Fox, 11:00 p.m.) Who let him out? Then again, I can't think of a better way to start the new year than with a little bit of Geraldo.

"Charlie Rose" (PBS, 11:30 p.m.) Charlie takes a page from tomdog and does an appreciation of those who died on 2006.

AP pic of Star Wars geeks at the Rose Parade