My whole life I have dreamed of a world where we did not need to wear pants. I find them to be uncomfortable and entirely unnecessary and I'd always hoped that we would reach a point when society stood up and said, "screw you, pants!" As I found, ladies and gentlemen, that day is today.... [continue]

I can't believe I called in sick to work to watch this utterly terrible Dodger game. The Blue Crew lost 12 to 1 to the Mets at their monthly mid-week day game today. Maine was pitching a complete game shutout into the 9th until the Dodgers managed to squeak out one run to wipe that big fat 0 off the scoreboard. Not much to say about this one. It sucked balls. A bunch of... [continue]

South opened its doors a few weeks ago and already business is booming. I arrived for happy hour at 5pm, quite relieved to see how well they'd filled in the space previously occupied by that hideous dim sum restaurant which was a disgrace to all things Chinese. South looks amazing, with nice clear TVs on every wall, wide open spaces, comfortable seating, and tons of windows. I was rather impressed. South was opened by... [continue]

This is going to be brief. I am lucky to be alive after 3 hours in scorching 90+ degree heat, and my very last ounce of energy will be used to get these photos up before I pass out. Literally. The Dodgers started Loaiza, which is usually a death sentence but today he only gave up two earned runs! This is a huge improvement! The Rockies started Jeff Francis (0-2), who didn't throw nearly... [continue]

Tonight's Dodger game was amazing in so many ways. The emotions ran high, ranging from the elation of witnessing Matt Kemp's grand slam to top off a 10 run first inning, the fear and helplessness of watching umpire Kerwin Danley get hit in the head by one of Penny's pitches, and then the absolute anger and frustration that I personally experienced sitting in front of the most annoying fucktard ever. Sometime around the 5th... [continue]

Andre Ethier gets hit by a pitch. There are very few days in my life when I actually wish I were rich, but today happened to be one of those days. My sister scored us field level seats behind home plate, which are a world of difference from our season seats in reserve level. As luck would have it, every time someone gives me amazing seats, the Dodgers lose. Every single time I've sat... [continue]

The first inning of last night's Dodger game was one of the best 1st innings I have ever witnessed. Besides watching the boys in blue light up Maholm and score 4 runs on him in the bottom of the 1st, Juan Pierre also pulled off a very close bunt single and Matt Kemp slipped and slid between 2nd and 3rd base: the first fall caused him to get stuck in a run down, the... [continue]

I innocently went to Third Street Promenade on Saturday to go shopping to put together a new "I'm single and available" look as the current one isn't working, and happened upon some sort of pre-Earth Day, super green I heart the environment festival. Fortunately Earth Day brings out the best of Santa Monica, and my camera and I happened to be there. I can't appropriately put words to this, so just click the photos.... [continue]

You may or may not have read my tale of last night's disaster at Dodger Stadium (if you haven't, it's worth reading the comments because it completely dissolves into people talking about dicks in a bowl... huh?), but tonight I returned to Chavez Ravine for game two of the three game series against the Padres. I can't say that I wasn't worried, given the Dodgers' little five game losing streak and the absolute mess... [continue]

Three dead beach balls that we killed last night. Last night at Dodger Stadium was Helmet Radio Night, where the first 50,000 (or so) receive a free radio shaped like a helmet that receives exactly one station: AM 790. It was also douchebag night, and obnoxious kids with no parents night, and beach ball night, and people with Sharpie eyebrows who show up in the 6th inning and spill beer all over you so... [continue]

Don't call this a concert review because I am utterly and completely biased. I love Ani Difranco. I've loved her from the day I first laid eyes on her over 13 years ago and I hope to love her forever until the day I die. Last night's show at the Orpheum Theater was the thirteenth time I've seen her live, and now I love her even more. It was a relief to see Ani... [continue]

Tonight's game was a hell of a lot of fun, even though it was cold and windy and we were getting dive-bombed by hummingbird-sized moths. Both pitchers (Lowe and Cain) pitched five shutout innings before giving up a few runs. Lowe took a comebacker to the lower leg to make way for Joe Beimel to come in and allow two runners to score. Troncoso make his ML debut with the bases loaded and one... [continue]

I've been to Opening Day every year since 2002 and it was starting to feel like the Dodgers simply couldn't win on their first day back to Chavez Ravine. Thank Vin we were playing the crappiest Giants team ever (with embarrassing little league defense to boot) and managed to win 5-0. Chanting "Giants Suck" this year wasn't even that satisfying, as they seemed pretty aware that they suck and didn't even want to put... [continue]

The Dodgers celebrated their arrival to Los Angeles 50 years ago by returning to their original LA home: The Coliseum. One hundred fifteen thousand fans gathered last night at the Coliseum in a celebration of LA's home team to watch the Dodgers play the Red Sox in a spring training match up. And guess what, I took photos. Okay but the photos suck. This is because in a string of bad luck, my good... [continue]

Spring is here in Los Angeles! To celebrate, I give you a series of Haikus. boobies are in bloom jiggling in the fresh spring air welcome to LA More poetry after the jump.... [continue]

I've been checking out college hoops at various bars, like The Parlor and Q's and Barney's Santa Monica, so I felt it only appropriate that I hit up another Santa Monica sports bar: Busby's. I went Saturday around 4pm to ensure I would get a great seat for the UCLA game at 6:30. Um, Busby's was about as exciting as watching the game in my living room. Okay, the food was better than my... [continue]

It's no secret that Q's Billiard Club usually has more douchebags than the feminine products aisle of CVS, but I was in a particularly masochistic mood and felt I needed to hit up Q's at least once in the March Madness Sports Bar tour. Douches are good for something, as beyond being there for you when you have that no-so-fresh feeling, they make really great fairweather fans and can be found cheering enthusiastically during... [continue]

As some of you may well know, I am embarking on Malingering's Marvelous March Madness Sports Bar tour, so I thought I'd hit up one of the usual spots: Barney's Beanery in Santa Monica. Barney's has a few things going for it: 1) The mini chocolate bundt cakes with ice cream and chocolate syrup which are oh-so-delicious 2) Booths which allow you to hide out, have 3 TVs all to yourself, and complete control... [continue]

Last night the girls and I decided to go out for Happy Hour - which we'd hoped would extend into Happy Hours and perhaps Happy Night. We went to a few bars in Santa Monica, made our way down to Venice, and after a few drinks and a lot of parking, we decided to head back east. Fortunately we happened upon The Parlor, on Wilshire and 15th in Santa Monica. I'm starting to wonder... [continue]

UCLA was almost overtaken by the Oregon Ducks today, but managed to rally back in the second half to win. I am no sports writer, and I'm not going to pretend to be, so this is how it went in my world. UCLA turned the ball over what seemed to be about 9 billion times (actually 12) and were playing like molasses in the first half. They let the shot clock run down to... [continue]