Life is confusing, shrinks are expensive and complaining will make you unpopular. Ask Jen instead.

Dear Jen,
I own a very successful business, have two kids and a husband and donate much of my time to a charity that I’m very passionate about. The problem is that I’ve always thought of myself as a traveler, it’s truly one of my favorite things to do, but I recently realized that I haven’t left the country in over eight years. Or gone on any sort of real vacation for that matter. I know you’re probably going to tell me to just do it, but I’m constantly exhausted and overwhelmed and barely have time to brush my teeth at night, let alone take off across the ocean. Is there any way to make this happen and still run my busy life?
- Swamped and Stuck at Home

Dear Swamped,
Thanks to the hard work of people with gigantic brains, we now know that time is an illusion. Or at least we (if we are anything like me) know, but we really just sort of pretend to know. I’ve read books, attended lectures, watched informational movies, meditated, gotten stoned with hippies and I still have no idea what the hell they’re talking about. That’s not to say I haven’t had a few, fleeting glimpses, but I can count the seconds on one hand - Wait! Wait! I get it….oh, nevermind. The theory I feel I can really toss around at a party, however, is that not having time is an illusion. For example:

I don’t have time to find a real parking place. Oh, look at that, I just spent three hours I don’t have getting my car out of the tow garage, another two getting lost on the way home and fifteen minutes complaining about it to my husband.

I don’t have time to eat lunch. Oh, look at that, I’m face down on the sidewalk outside my office. Now I have to eat a ham sandwich and get my tooth fixed.

Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Dear Jen,
I'm a 20 year-old, bisexual-leaning lesbian who has not done anything sexual with either gender. I get turned on easily and love to masturbate all the time. My problem is something that I can't seem to admit freely and you seem like the person who will (finally) understand.

I can't keep going after I come, even though I'd love to. During the build-up I'm thinking "I could do this for hours" but as soon as I come I can almost feel the whoosh of my hormones receding and I feel exhausted, disgusted and uninterested - almost to the point where if I were to keep going for another one, I'd vomit. I've had this problem since I started masturbating when I was 14 and I just can't seem to force myself to shake it.

I'm afraid this is going to translate into my sex life when I finally have one, and I don't know how to improve the situation! Do you have any tips?
- One Hit Wonder

Dear One,
Every year I go backpacking in the wilderness areas of southeast Utah with two friends of mine. We stumble around an endless landscape of giant blobular crazy swirling taffy-colored rock that I can’t really describe, but suffice it to say that anyone who’s ever smoked crazy glue has been there. There are no other people and there are no trails, so if you’re anything like me, you either go with friends who have super-human navigational skills or you spend the end of your trip being eaten by birds.

Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Dear Jen,
Many years ago I purchased my first vibrator and became hooked. My orgasms are amazing, intense and come on pretty quickly when I use it.

The problem is that ever since I started using it, I haven't been able to achieve the same kind of orgasm when I am having sex. It doesn't matter what he does, who I’m with, if it’s a meaningful relationship or one a night stand. What's going on? Thanks.
- Good Vibrations

Dear Good,
Here’s a little joke for you: What did the Deadhead say when the weed ran out? Answer: Wow, this band sucks.

As someone who has gotten stoned and gone to a concert or two (the Grateful Dead included) I will say this: music sounds better when you’re stoned, food is tastier, sex is hotter and, dude, that was funnnnny!

Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Dear Jen,
I have a question that's been driving me NUTS. I can't decide between boys and girls. It's killing me. Have you ever felt this way? At first I thought it was cool to be bisexual, like there were so many more possibilities for love, but now I feel like I just need to make a decision between the two genders. Why? Because I am 26, in NYC and want to one day get married and have a family.

I spend a lot of my time in lesbian bars and I love my lessie friends, but sometimes I feel like it's all a big waste of time if I will one day end up with a guy. If I want to marry a man I should be on fucking J-date dating dudes. I've loved both men and women. My male gay hairstylist told me, "if you don't have to be gay...don't be,” and that's really stuck in my mind, as I feel like I have a choice in the matter. I don't want my life to be harder than it has to be and I want to be happy. How can I find out which sex I will be happiest with? I don't want to waste anymore time. I want to make a commitment to dating, and then marry either a man or a woman.
- Biconfused

Dear Biconfused,
I know several people who went through law school, who put their brains in a vice grip for three fun-free years, ruined their eyesight, went into debt as deep as the deep blue sea and stumbled out with a fancy law degree only to discover that they’d really much rather make muffins for a living or something. I think it’s safe to say that these are the people who went to law school because they thought they should, not because practicing law made their hearts happy.

Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.

Dear Jen,
Recently it was revealed that the Pentagon, under Bill Clinton, was working on a secret Gay Bomb.

I must admit, I'm hopelessly heterosexual and can't imagine a chemical that would change that. But I’ve always been interested in the role of smells, and presumably that's how the secret Gay Bomb would have worked. Opinions?
- I Smell a Homo

Dear Smell,
Well, now there’s an idea. I smell a great movie, no, wait, a great musical. A bunch of queens sneak into the Pentagon, steal the bomb and suddenly life is a cabaret! Figure skating is declared the national sport, overpopulation, unwanted teen pregnancy and abortion become non-issues and Cher finally takes her rightful place as president.

Yes, it is sad, and staggeringly insulting to the gay population, but true: the macho pinheads who run our country did pull such a stunt, wasting millions of our hard-earned dollars (7.5 to be exact) appealing to their own homosexual neurosis. Why on earth would turning the opposing team gay make them any easier to fight? Do they think they’d just be like, “ow, quit it!” when they got shot? That they’d be too busy carving their initials inside little hearts on the barrack walls, and grinding to the latest Kylie single, to go out and fight? That straight women are tougher than lesbians?