The inning was like getting a proctology exam when you have a gigantic hemorrhoid. At least that’s what I said during the Padre’s six-run fourth inning that lasted about 45 minutes.

Little did I know about Malingering’s incident with Luis Gonzalez’s foul ball which now makes me very thankful that my seats of choice are in the top deck. I guess you can say Viejito still has some pop in him.

The Padre’s 7-6 win last night was an interesting game. Yet again the Dodgers tried to rally from behind and came real close driving all the Dodgers fans into a blitzing Blue fury only to be completely deflated when Viejito popped-out to foul territory with Jeff Kent on second base. It was quite a grizzly scene.

But the grizzliest scene came in the top of the fourth when pitcher Hong-Chi Kuo completely fell apart. He gave up six runs on six hits, and the defense didn’t help any by committing two errors. That 45 minutes was enough time for my still jet-lagged friend (she just got back from Vietnam last weekend) to take a nap and be refreshed for the rest of the game. At this point I’ll let you say what you will about Kuo’s performance.

Just remember that this is June not September. I have to keep telling myself that all the time because it’s easy to look at the standings and think the sky is falling. Aside from the fateful fourth, the Dodgers were not all that bad. The Dodgers are in a very tough division this season where it looks like three teams could possibly win more than 90 games. To win the wild card is not the end of the world.

ever wonder what happens when you get really good seats on the baseline at dodger stadium and you get pegged with a line drive right off gonzo's bat?

i will tell you.

ball comes flying at your face at 80mph. put up hand to stop ball. ball hits your hand so loud that everyone in the section gasps. ball bounces off your hand and kid in the row behind you gets the ball. gleeful kid is shown on dodgervision. hand begins to swell to the size of... well... a baseball.

no one comes to see if you are okay. you start to feel nauseated and dizzy. 20 people in your section flag down an usher. usher brings bag of ice. emts show up. you stand up so they can look at you and you slump forward and nearly lose consciousness from the pain. very nice man catches you before you go face first into the crowd.

emts strap you to a gurney because you can't stand. the rush you to the first aid room in dodger stadium. there are 3 other people there, all of them had passed out as well, but not because they had a line drive crushed at their face, just because.

bunch of people come to tell you there's nothing they can do. hand is now twice the size of the other. nurse comments that you are green. meanwhile the padres score 6 runs and pardes fan in bed next to you is cheering despite having passed out 15 minutes earlier. try to flip off padres fan until you realize hand is likely broken.

doctor gives you injection of painkiller and wraps your hand. swelling is out of control. sit in first aid for another hour until urge to vomit subsides.

return to seat. the crowd applauds. have flashbacks at every foul ball hit to the right side. consider sitting under seat.

dodgers lose. leave ballpark with busted hand and no foul ball.

go to local er for x-rays. wait over an hour. no one comes to see why you're there or do any triage. get disgusted and have friend take you home since you can't drive.

write one handed post for laist. go scrounge for vicodin. try not cry.

Yesterday's Dodger game was worth the long drive and the unbelievable heat and even the helmet sundae fiasco.

All of the elements of a great game were there: Randy Johnson was starting (against Randy Wolf for a Randy vs. Randy battle which made me giggle), Martin hit a 2 run home run in the 1st inning which made the rest of the game seem easy, every Dodger in the starting lineup made it on base at least once, Randy Wolf had two hits, the DBacks had 4 errors and those made me laugh too, the Dodgers' offense just kept going and going and going (16 hits!), Tomko was put in relief and gave up enough runs to give the DBacks fans some hope to make the win all that sweeter, and Saito came in for the save and blew everyone away - even the Arizona fans sitting behind me.

Ah sweet victory.

More photos after the jump.

Because LAist loves you and loves the Dodgers, we thought it would be nice to give you some road trip action. Hooray for you.

Okay, really I just had to escape LA for a while for fear of vengance from the Victoria's Secret Pink Army and thought Phoenix would be safe. I can blend in with all of the other out-of-town Dodger fans and no one will suspect a thing.

Before I go into anything, however, I have to say IT IS ONE HUNDRED AND TWELVE DEGREES OUTSIDE. It is so hot that I cried in discomfort and the tears evaporated straight off my eyeballs. It took me 6 minutes to peel my thighs off of my car seat. My camera was too hot to touch and I considered putting it in the cooler. Okay. Got that off my chest.

More on Malingering's road trip to baseball stadium #9 of 30 after the jump.

The Dodgers must really not like Derek Lowe.

Yet another decent outing for him giving up one earned and on unearned run, and the Dodgers scored nothing. No runs on nine hits. No runs on bases loaded with one out in the eighth inning. No hits in 12 chances with runners in scoring position. Nothing in a 2-0 loss to the D-Backs.

I’m not saying Prozac was perfect, but neither was D-Back’s pitcher Brandon Webb. Both threw well over 100 pitches in seven innings (well 6 2/3 innings for Prozac) and had troubles with keeping the ball low. There were six fly balls hit from each pitcher.

The biggest concern for the Dodgers now is Nomar Garciaparra. So far this month he is batting .210, just 16 for 76. In this series against the D-Backs, he is batting 0-14. Is he still feeling the effects of the flu that knocked him out of the Devil Ray’s series this past weekend? Is he just falling apart before our eyes? Is he having problems seeing the ball?

To me it seems he’s too aware he’s in a slump and is trying too hard. In crucial situations, he’s striking out on bad pitches. And by bad pitches I mean high high fastballs, sliders far away from the plate and very low breaking balls. For his sake I hope he is watching video and taking extra batting practice.

Even though they lost tonight, there’s not too much to worry about. I still say they need to get Matt Kemp in the everyday line up, but with James Loney’s hot bat the Dodgers should be all right for now. And let's face it, at least the Dodgers didn't get swept by the AAA Kansas City Royals.

AP Photo by Ross D. Franklin

Monday night came news that Nomar Garciapopup would be the third baseman in the near future. Who knew the near future meant Tuesday?

Nomar felt he was ready for third base duties and in he went, however that wasn’t the end of it. Grady Little also moved Nomar from third in the hitting lineup to sixth. And just what did Nomar do?

With Russell Martin on second and Luis Gonzalez on first with two outs, Nomar came up to bat with the score 5-5 in the top of the seventh and grounded out to first. In the top of the ninth with the same score and the bases loaded, Nomar struck out swinging on a high fastball out of the strike zone.

Way to go Nomar.

Kudos goes to James Loney and Tony Abreu. Loney was a triple shy of hitting for the cycle driving in three runs, and Abreu hit his first career homer pinch hitting in the top of the tenth to lead the Dodgers to victory 6-5.

Starting pitcher Chad Billingsley was not spectacular giving up five runs on four hits with three walks, three homers and one hit batter in four innings. Fortunately the bullpen came through with six shut-out innings to help the Dodgers get back into first place in the division.

While the Dodgers don’t need nor expect Billingsley to be perfect, he needs to do a better job than this and will once he gets the mentality of a starter. His next start against the San Diego Padres this weekend should show a marked improvement.

So a couple of questions to close this mother out. Why couldn’t the Dodgers show this much offense against the Devil Rays, and how long will it take for Grady to bench Nomar and Juan Pierre?

AP Photo by Paul Connors

As my friend put it, our long national nightmare is over: interleague play is done. Finito! And calling interleague play is by no means an exaggeration. The Dodgers went 5-10 against the AL.

Though they were not at home, the Dodgers sure as hell played like they were at home in Arizona. They ended up driving the Diamondbacks back into the ground torching them 8-1.

The game started like the most recent Dodgers games: great pitching, inept offense. In the first five innings the Dodgers notched only two hits. That’s when Brad Penny took matters in his own hands.

In the bottom of the sixth Penny led off with a stand-up double which ignited the offense. The Dodgers scored four runs in that inning with Russell Martin sending two home on a sliding triple.

And that was all she wrote. The Dbacks couldn’t figure out Penny who threw 104 pitches in eight complete innings. He now leads the National League in wins (10) and ERA (2.04).

Which team has the best record in the National League? Two teams share this distinction: the Milwaukee Brewers and the Los Angeles Dodgers.

Yes, the same Los Angeles Dodgers team I ripped in my last post has the best record in the National League. Actually I take that back. This is not the same team I ripped the other day.

In Friday’s 6-3 win against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, Grady Little posted this lineup:

Rafael Furcal, SS
Juan Pierre, CF
Russell Martin, C
Jeff Kent, 2B
Luis Gonzalez, DH
James Loney, 1B
Matt Kemp, RF
Andre Ethier, LF
Tony Abreu, 3B

If you notice, the youngsters filled out the bottom of the lineup. They also had eight hits in 17 at-bats notching half of the Dodger’s offensive output.

I’ve had it with this Dodger’s team.

They remind me of the Laker’s team this past season where the only thing that could be counted on was their inconsistency.

Right now I’m tired of guessing which Dodger’s team will show up to the park. After destroying the Toronto Blue Jays 10-1 Tuesday night, the Dodgers decide to be charitable and then some Wednesday night getting spanked 12-1.

Things were so bad even home base umpire Eric Cooper decided he had enough after six innings. He pulled a muscle and left the game.

Boy I envied Cooper.

Psychologically I was going into the Dodger’s Tuesday game at the Toronto Blue Jays a little glum to say the least. The Dodgers have lost 20 of their last 21 road interleague games and was completely manhandled by the Jays over a week ago at home.

I was pretty shocked when the Dodgers won Tuesday night. I was even more thrilled they completely pasted the Jays 10-1.

I was taught if you have nothing good to say then don't say it at all. I usually don't heed this advice, but since I was up in Santa Barbara this weekend watching my cousin graduating and getting her degree in sociology I'll just leave you with exactly one thought.

Is this series indicative of the Dodgers sleepwalking again? After completely torching the slumping Mets earlier in the week, they seemed to have gone back to their offensive slump especially Sunday's 10-4 loss.

So hope you enjoy these images of James Loney's injury during the eighth inning. One word: UY!

I'm a Dodger die-hard. It's in my blood. So I can't like the Angels. But do you know who I hate even more? That jackass who was sitting behind me at the game today.

He and his Angel ass-kissing buddy did not stop speaking throughout the entire game. They seriously thought they were placed on this earth to be the walking and talking media guides and for three and a half hours they didn't shut up once. They loudly spewed stats and facts at each other which seemed rather pointless since obviously the other one was painfully aware of GA's batting average this year given that they are both big Angels fans, but also because the damn batting average is posted on the DodgerVision screen for everyone in the stadium to see so the fact that they could quote it meant nothing at all. Morons.

Then one went so far as to call Dodger fans "bush league" because someone booed his precious little Vlad Guerrero. Oh, get over yourself. Booing is not bush league. A-Rod yelling ahhh/mine! might be bush league. A bunch of 10 year olds booing your best hitter at a ball game when he comes up to bat, get over it. Fucking Orange County. I felt like I was sitting in front of two White Joe Morgans. (Never mind that they protested several calls and taunted Schmidt throughout the entire game. It's acceptable for them, I suppose.)

more photos and ranting after the jump

My what a game! In what is a preview of the World Series according to Sports Illustrated, both the Dodgers and Angels played a World Series-like game.

The Dodger’s 2-1 victory Friday night was a classic pitcher’s duel played before a capacity crowd of 56,000. Prozac gave up one run on four hits in seven innings and struck out career high 11 batters. For the Angels Ervin Santana gave up two runs on five hits in seven innings.

The lack of hitting is more a testament to the pitchers rather than anemic offense. Both the Dodgers and the Angels took advantage of what little opportunities they had. The Dodgers cashed in two runs on Viejito’s single with the bases loaded and one out in the bottom of the sixth. The Angels then cut the lead in half with a Casey Kotchman single in the seventh scoring Vladimir Guerrero.

With Prozac pitching the way he was, that’s all he needed to get the much deserved win. It’s rare that I feel bad for an athlete, but when Prozac pitched three complete games and was tagged for the loss in each game this season I wanted the Dodger’s offense to stand before a firing squad. The Dodgers finally gave him the runs he needed to get a 7-6 record. And just think, he could possibly be 10-3 right now if the Dodgers woke up earlier.

In addition to the great pitching on the field, the fans were in playoff form. There was the natural Dodgers tendency to chant, “Angels Suck” (which I did not partake in because the Angels do not suck.) However in the top of the ninth with Game Over V.2 trying to notch a save most of the crowd had stayed and were on their feet hanging onto every pitch. It was absolutely electrifying.

Despite all of this, it still hasn’t changed my opinion of interleague play.

Being the last real home game before they go on a 10-game roadtrip, I really wanted to witness the last game of the Met’s series Wednesday night. I’m sorry, but I think interleague play is a complete farce even if it is against the Angels.

This was a spontaneous affair. I had this hankering this morning and made a couple of IMs to friends. One of the reasons I love baseball so much is the fact that I can be this spontaneous and still be able to get tickets rather effortlessly.

What I witnessed was a completely different Dodger’s team than the one I saw last Friday night against the Toronto Blue Jays. Once Wilson Betemit sparked the offense with his home run in the bottom of the fifth, the game was over. The Dodgers scored two more runs in the fifth, three runs in the sixth, one in the seventh and two in the eighth to sweeping the series. James Loney, put into the game to relieve Nomar, hit a solo homer in the eighth off of Billy Wagner, arguably the best closer in baseball right now.

Once the offense sparked up, the Mets looked like they caught the same strain of mono that afflicted the Dodgers the last several weeks. The Mets couldn’t connect on routine double plays, and looked very lethargic on defense. On offense they could only muster one run which was scored in the first inning. They were so bad they made Useless look like an All Star.

While everything is all smiles in the Dodger’s dugout, one thing is really sticking in my craw.

Back on a warm Saturday afternoon on October 7, 2006 in game 3 of the National League Division Series with the Dodgers down two games to none, I witnessed the Dodgers fall behind 4-0 against the Mets. They managed to take a 5-4 lead in the fifth only to give it up in the sixth and go on to lose the game 9-5 and be swept out of the playoffs.

Why couldn’t they show the effort they made in this three-game sweep back then?

AP Photo by Mark J. Terrill

On a day of magnificent feats when Detroit Tiger’s 24-year old pitcher Justin Verlander pitched a no-hitter against the Milwaukee Brewers, the Dodgers managed to top that. They exploded with three consecutive homers on three consecutive pitches against the New York Mets in the second inning.

Don’t get me wrong. Verlander’s no-no was absolutely amazing. In the ninth inning, he was still pitching strikes at 102 mph. And given the blustery conditions at Comerica Park, it’s inexplicable he only had three balls fly out to the outfield including the last one off of the bat of JJ Hardy to right fielder Magglio Ordonez.

But what makes the Dodger’s feat so amazing is the fact that it was the Dodgers who did it. Coming into the game, the Dodgers were only better than the Washington Nationals in home runs hit. One home run is understandable, but three is flat out shocking.

Also the pitcher Hong-Chih Kuo hit the third homer. Note the stylish bat flip after the ball was hit. I can’t confirm this fact, but I believe the Dodgers lead the majors in home runs hit by the pitcher (see correction in comments): two. SF Trash went yard back on the Dodger’s home opener on April 9 against the Rockies.

The good news is, I am not a jinx. Going into tonight's game, the Dodgers had a 19-12 home record. Their record with me in attendance? 7-9. I was considering staying home and just listening to Vin on TV as I seem to have a negative effect on the team and I was on a three game losing streak. But last night, the curse was broken.

How appropriate it be broken by a fellow Asian Hong-Chih Kuo, who I once chased down at the 2004 Chinese New Year parade in Chinatown and yelled at the driver of his car to stop because it was very important I have a photo taken with this man. At that time he had apparently put his head in a bowl of peroxide and turned his hair orange, but that is beside the point. Since then he had Tommy John surgery, got a brand new elbow, and worked his way back to the big leagues. Kuo made his second start this season as a Dodger, got his first win, and hit the third homer in a back-to-back-to-back run in the second inning.

No, that's wasn't a typo. The 7, 8, and 9 batters (Betemit, Kemp, Kuo) went back-to-back-to-back on three consecutive pitches. They weren't wasting any time. I was getting the chills from the memories of September 18th, 2006 the greatest day of my baseball watching career. Kuo became the first Taiwanese player to ever hit a home run in the major leagues. And he's a pitcher.

It started out like another pedestrian Dodger game despite players meetings Sunday night and Monday afternoon and the first pitch thrown by Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham.

The Dodgers gave up two runs in the first inning thanks to three singles, a pass ball and a throwing error by My Boyfriend. After the Mets notched another run in the top of the fourth, I started thinking of fun places I could go to in October while trying to avoid the baseball postseason.

Then in the bottom of the fourth inning the Dodger’s offense inexplicably woke up. They got things started in the bottom of the fourth by, of all people, Useless. He got a walk, stole second and scored when My Boyfriend hit a single.

From that point on, this Dodger’s team looked like a completely different team than they have recently shown winning the game 5-3.

Saturday night was the 49th Annual Hollywood Stars game at Dodger Stadium. This has been a long-standing tradition at Dodger Stadium, beginning in 1958, the year the Dodgers came to Los Angeles. A few years back, they changed the game from baseball to softball, and they started letting people sit on the field to try to catch home runs. There used to be some reasonably famous people playing and Jon Lovitz and Billy Crystal would call the game and Tony Danza would fight with the umpires and we would all engage in canned sitcom laughter while eating Dodger Dogs and nachos. My family and I have attended every single year for the past 6 or 7 years, so it's become a bit of a joke tradition to get to Dodger Stadium early and watch the has-beens stars come out to play on Hollywood Stars night.

I will preface this report with the fact that I don't watch much TV and once sat next to Brooke Shields at a Broadway show and never recognized her, so my knowledge of so-called "stars" is very limited. I generally rely on my retired grandparents to tell me who they recognize from what TV show, since retired people like to watch TV and are very good at remembering plot lines. Also my grandmother is a subscriber of People magazine, so she can usually give us reports of who's banging who and which one is bulemic and how so-and-so won their fight against alcohol. While the past few years haven't been all that great, they've certainly had their moments so we gave it another shot. I was rather disappointed.

Turns out the Dodgers' "no signs or banners" policy applies to the Canadian flag as well.

According the Canadian sports website TheStar.com, security tried to confiscate the Canadian flag belonging to a Blue Jays fan because they felt it could cause fans to be aggressive toward each other. Needless to say, the Canadians in the section were furious, and several security guards and LAPD officers were called to the scene.

Well Canada, don't you worry. They weren't singling you out at all. We have had many an experience with confiscated banners.

A message from Major League Baseball before I start this drivel. For one lucky baseball loving, red blooded, testosterone raging man or lesbian comes an opportunity of a lifetime. He/she gets a DATE WITH ALYSSA MILANO!

If you want to as close to her as Barry Zito, Carl Pavano and Tubby have been, just fill out the entry form here and good luck. And from the looks of this list all you need to show is promise – actual performance in the clutch is not important.

As for the Dodger’s game my oh my oh my. I could easily sit here typing away words that trash the club and bemoan the fact it looks like they’ve given up the season and will go nowhere. But they’ve done this too many times and always seem to be in contention of a division title.

Take last year for instance. After the All-Star break they promptly lost 12 of 14 games before going on a tear in August and September to end up in a tie in first place. So I’m not going to say everything is hopeless. But we have to face the facts. If the Dodgers do not get the offense going, they have absolutely no chance to compete in September for a division title.

The Dodgers have been proactive this week in trying to remedy this. To the delight of the Dodger Faithful they brought up Matt Kemp and James Loney from the minors, and Grady Little has moved Useless to batting in the eighth spot. The youngsters will hopefully provide the pop and energy that will oil up the creak in the club.

And that pop and energy is sorely needed from the Dodgers.

For the love of Vin Scully, people! You are going to a baseball game. You are sitting outside in 80 degree weather with no shade for three hours. At what point does it not occur to you to bring some sunblock along with you? Let's try planning ahead next time.

Back on April 30, 2006 the Dodgers played the Pads in San Diego leading 5-0 going into the bottom of the ninth. Lance Carter comes out to pitch for the Dodgers and loaded the bases by giving up two singles and a walk with no outs. The Dodger’s then-closer Danys Baez tried to get out of the jam but gave up a single, two walks and two sacrifices to tie the game up 5-5.

In the top of the tenth, the Dodgers went out in order. Tim Hamulack pitched in the bottom of the tenth and gave up two walks and a single to give the Pads a 6-5 win.

And this is why when the Dodgers were up 5-1 in the bottom of the ninth Thursday night against the Pads, the fact they coughed up the game didn’t really come as a surprise to me. Here’s the play-by-play of the bottom of the ninth with Bob’s Big Boy pitching:

If you were just flipping through the channels and said to yourself, “Self, I would really like to see a low-scoring pitcher’s duel,” then you would have really enjoyed Tuesday’s Dodgers game against the Padres. Unfortunately, Dem Bums lost to the Pads 1-0 thanks to a hit batter, stolen base and a single in the bottom of the eighth.

In what a pretty unremarkable game, two notable things happened.

Notable thing, the first: My Boyfriend screwed up. It didn’t officially count as an error, but in the top of the seventh after he hit a single, Tony Abreu hits a single into right field. My Boyfriend tries to run to third, but right after he turned on second he tripped and fell. Granted he was absolutely tired from multiple pick-off attempts from pitcher Chris Young, but if he doesn’t get caught falling he could have scored when Useless grounded to first. In what has been a pretty stellar season for My Boyfriend it was quite shocking to see him make an oopsie.

Notable thing, the second: SF Trash looked good in his first appearance since his stint on the disabled list. Aside from a tough second inning, he limited the Pads to no runs and one hit in six innings allowing only three walks. He only threw 86 pitches while striking out four. The cherry on this sundae is his velocity. Before being on the DL his fastball never topped 85 mph, but tonight his fastballs topped out at 92mph.

I love manager ejections. I love it when the manager gets up in the ump’s grill and lets him have it. With that said, it seems to me that Grady Little has the tamest ejections in the history of baseball (click on the appropriate linky for a video of the ejection).

More on baseball meltdowns later.

A serious cause of concern came in the bottom on the ninth in Sunday’s 5-4 win against the Pittsburgh Pirates. It’s something far worse than the Dodger’s bipolar hitting. Lights out closer Takashi Saito with one on, one out and a 2-2 to Jose Bautista tweaked his hammy. I was having an email discussion with a couple friends of mine (one Giants fan, one Cubs fan). “Holy fuck,” I wrote, “Saito just got injured.”

Fortunately it doesn’t look like a major injury, and Bob’s Big Boy is more than capable of taking over the closing role for a short while. Hopefully the Dodgers can muster up enough runs in the final game of the series against the Pirates to prevent a save situation.

O Dodgers how you break my heart sometimes. I was only kidding at the beginning of the year when I expected you to go 162-0. I only expect you to win around 92 games this season which is just over 56% of the games, but when you get a horrible team like the Washington Nationals you should be able to sweep them easily. You don’t lose to them 11-4.

Let’s face it. The Mark Hendrickson era should be over. In his last four starts he has given up 20 runs (18 of them earned) and 34 hits with an ERA of 8.57. He started out the season nicely enough, but the shimmer has long since worn off. He should go back to the bullpen where he belongs then perhaps see that psychologist he saw during the off-season.