The Dodgers have super special grass, as described on Dodgers.com

The Dodgers installed a brand new state-of-the-art grass field after the conclusion of the 1995 season. Prescription Athletic Turf (PAT), created and installed by the Cincinnati-based Motz Group, used the latest agronomic and engineering technology to manage field moisture through controlled drainage and irrigation. The 100,000 square feet of bermuda grass is grown on pure sand, beneath which a vacuum chamber is laid over a water-tight plastic barrier that forcibly extracts water during heavy rains. New moisture gauges monitor the field's water level in coordination with a microprocessor that controls drainage functions. A computer controller has the ability to reverse the scenario and subirrigate when the sand's moisture reading drops below the optimal level.

Don't get me started on the navel ring.

One can speculate a number of reasons, but the actual reason is because he's fucking hilarious.

This is Juan at Dodgers photo day. While the pitchers walked around in a little clique and waved and Nomar was shooed along by security, Mr. Pierre was the life of the party. He was dancing and posing and making his GQ sexy face. When we asked him why he was walking around with his pants over his socks, he immediately pulled his pants up and posed again. I love this guy. I won't go so far as to say I love his throwing arm, but hey, he's working on it. A for effort.

With the Dodgers playing a rather boring series at the Washington Nationals, it’s time to take care of some housecleaning.

All Star Voting

Yesterday, Major League Baseball released the preliminary results of the first period of fan voting for the All Star Game. The fan votes will determine which position players start the game. According to the results, My Boyfriend is running a distant fourth to the fiery whoring gambler Paul Lo Duca (former Dodger and current New York Met), a far inferior Brian McCann of the Atlanta Braves and a nondescript Johnny Estrada from the Brewers.

Make sure to vote for My Boyfriend. If he ends up not starting I will unleash my fury upon the masses here in Los Angeles that will cause even more gridlock on the freeways, the complete disappearance of all bike lanes and a plague of biblical proportions not seen since the time of Moses.

All kidding aside, here is my helpful unbiased guide to whom I think should be starting the game for the National League:

1B – Prince Fielder, Milwaukee Brewers
2B – Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies
SS – Jose Reyes, New York Mets
3B – Miguel Cabrera, Florida Marlins
C – Russell Martin, Los Angeles Dodgers
OF – Moises Alou, New York Mets
OF – Carlos Lee, Houston Astros
OF – Matt Holliday, Colorado Rockies.

As for the American League, screw them. I find it sad they still use that crutch, the designated hitter.

The specter of leaving Pedro in the game will never be erased if Grady Little keeps managing like this.

Going into the series, I thought the Dodgers could easily handle the Cub’s offense and take advantage of the Cub’s horrible pitching particularly their bullpen. I expected a Dodger’s sweep with the score being about 10-2 each game. What actually happened was three games where the Dodgers had to come from behind late in the game.

The Dodgers won Friday night’s game despite Grady’s (mis)managing, lost Saturday’s game because of Grady’s (mis)managing and won Sunday’s game because of the Cub’s horrendous bullpen.

Being at the game Friday night, I was witness to the Dodger’s bullpen uncharacteristically faltering while giving up seven runs in the seventh. When Grady sent in Wilson Betemit to pinch hit for pitcher Prozac in the bottom of the sixth with one out and a runner on third, Prozac had only thrown 83 pitches while leading 5-1. There was no reason to take Prozac out the game.

Then in the top of that fateful seventh inning after Joel Beimel gave up a single and got Cesar Izturis to fly out to Useless, Grady put in Yhency Brazoban to pitch to Matt Murton for a righty-righty match-up. A walk, three doubles, three singles, another double and an error later, a 5-1 lead turned to an 8-5 deficit. Grady should have Beimel pitch himself out of the jam, but he simply outthought himself and mismanaged the entire inning.

The saving grace for the Dodgers came from the Cub’s bullpen which have proven unable to hold a lead if their life depended on it. The Dodgers went on to win the game 9-8.

If it seems like Vin Scully has been doing Dodger games forever, that's because this is his 50th season broadcasting LA Dodger games (1958-2007) and his 57th as a Dodger announcer.

He's one of the few major broadcasters who works alone in the booth. No color man needed, no ex-jocks, no sidekick. The only problem with that is sometimes he can casually blow you away with precise diction and perfect tone, and sometimes the message can get lost in that smooth, beautiful song.

The Cubs are playing the Dodgers this weekend and Vinny just made a sweet point while calling the bottom of the third on Prime Ticket. We are very lucky to have Vin, and hopefully you aren't taking him for granted. Not only is his style unmatched in these days of the phony and wacky, but his perspective of having been around the block a few times is priceless. Not many of today's broadcasters had just turned 17 the week before Pearl Harbor was attacked, but our Vinny did, and this is his take:

A little fly ball to shallow left, Soriano comes up and makes the catch. So we have one out here in the third inning.

All of us have our own thoughts about Memorial Day and I'm sure if you talked to the Chicago Cubs' second baseman, whose name is Ryan Theriot, you would then know what's on his mind. Because his great uncle served in the Navy and was a survivor at Pearl Harbor, December the Seventh, 1941. And certainly he's thinking about his great uncle today.

The fastball to Brady Clark is swung on and missed, and the count: 0 and 1.

There are so many John Philip Sousa marches, and of course "America The Beautiful", and the national anthem.

Strike one pitch is punched on the ground to Theriot, and Ryan makes the play. Two down.

But if you really wanted to get, not the spirit, but the mood of Memorial Day, they oughtta play "Taps".

If there was ever a melody that is haunting - the poignant, single sound of a trumpet playing "Taps" - and you hear that song, then you realize what Memorial Day is all about.

My Boyfriend hit a homer, and the Dodgers managed a win!!!

There. That’s my quota of happy talk for now. There is something that’s leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I’m wondering why the Dodgers called up third baseman Tony Abreu from the minor leagues yesterday.

As a team, the Dodgers have many glaring deficiencies: no power hitting, inconsistency at the third base position and the worst defense in the National League. Bring up Abreu doesn’t really solve any of these problems. In fact it makes it more confusing.

Let’s start with Nomar. He made his name in Boston as a shortstop. To address the third base position the Dodgers could simply move Nomar there. Both Cal Ripken Jr. and Alex Rodriguez have made a successful transition from shortstop to third. One could argue that putting Nomar in that position will increase his chances of getting injured, but doesn’t he have that chance every time he swings on the first pitch? Putting Nomar in third will allow the languishing James Loney to be called up to the team.

Abreu is traditionally a second baseman or a shortstop. He moved to third base exclusively since Andy La Roche was called up two weeks ago. Having Abreu play third base doesn’t make sense defensively especially since he made a throwing error on the first play of the game Tuesday night.

I dated a guy back in my days in Santa Barbara. Let’s call him Paul. We met at a party my friend hosted for an occasion that currently slips my mind. Actually I can’t even remember the exact location of the house.

We were playing this drinking game called Moose. It involved a quarter, an ice cube tray and a pitcher filled with a bit of everything we were drinking and a quarter. He kept on forcing me to drink, and at one point I muttered something stupid like, “Are you trying to get me drunk?”

We both decided to go out for a smoke and instantly hit it off. Next thing I know his tongue was down my throat and we were starting a torrid love affair. Sort of.

There were times when the sex was absolutely mind blowing. Just looking at him would get me aroused, and we would end up in a big heaping pile of sweat and bones. Then there were the times that looking at him would make me a little queasy. I would ask myself, “I’m dating THAT?!”

Needless to say we didn’t last a month.

I’m sure you’re wondering how this relates to the Dodgers.

Last night's game was an exciting evening filled with cracked bats and ass cracks. Where to start, where to start? There's just so much to look at. Okay, we'll go in alphabetical order.

She must be a Cardinals fan because she's showing all of us her Pujol.

I was really reluctant to go to the game Tuesday night. For starters I’m typing this in my new living room where boxes of books and junk are stacked up next to me awaiting a new home. I have thawed chicken in the fridge that waiting to be part of pad thai that I’ve been wanting to cook. And after watching the horror that was Monday night’s game, you can understand my reluctance. In the end I decided to go and just forget about all of these things and was treated to a somewhat wild game.

First off I must congratulate DUI. He’s the first Dodger in LA history to have three consecutive four-hit games. He went from batting .214 on Saturday to .297. That's an impressive feat to say the very least.

The Dodgers’ bats reared their ugly heads Tuesday night in the bottom of the third. After Prozac gave up four runs on four hits in the top of the third giving the Cardinals a 4-3 lead, the Dodgers responded by getting six runs off of six hits to take the lead for good at 9-4.

This led to a great opportunity for Hong-chih Kuo to get some big-league practice in the seventh inning after being called up today from Las Vegas*. He got hit up by the Cards for three runs and four hits, but with Bob’s Big Boy warming up in the pen the game was still out of reach.

I was actually happy the Cards made a mini-comeback just so I could see what the Dodgers would play for Saito as he came in to save the game. The choice: George Thorogood & the Destroyer’s “Bad to the Bone”. Knowing Saito’s goofy smile after he notches his saves I really didn’t feel it was appropriate. The best part of his entrance was seeing his name in Kanji.

When the Cincinnati Reds were in town Ken Griffey Jr. found himself being heckled by some bearded youth in the field boxes.

Throughout the game one particular fan seated behind the Reds' dugout yelled out insults towards the oft-injured All-Star.

I started with the basics: YOU SUCK..SHOULDN'T YOU BE ON THE D.L...TOO OLD FOR CENTER....that kind of stuff. Well, by the 2nd inning he was looking right at me giving me the looks.

The fan responded with some yo momma jokes and claimed that he could too touch the threads of his jock, and Ken Griffey Jr. went into the locker room, took his jockstrap off, placed it in a brown paper bag, rose from the dugout, and presented the young man with the bag.

The photo of the lucky guy with Ken Griffey's used jockstrap and more of this touching story after the jump

The Dodgers lost to that pitcher. Let me just say that he is one ugly man. That’s all. You can come up with your own insults. Trust me, my friends and I made up plenty ourselves.

Back to the game. There is only one word to describe the pitching performance of Brett Tomko: PATHETIC.

Another word to describe Grady Little’s managing decisions: ABHORRENT.

Before I could settle in and focus on the game, Tomko gave up six runs in the first two innings and was finally pulled in the third after giving up two more runs. For those of you deficient on your math skills, that’s a total of eight runs in 2 1/3 innings. He gave up eight runs to a team with the lowest batting average in the majors (.234) and every other offensive statistic imaginable in baseball.

Strike one for Grady: In the middle of the second inning I was calling for Tomko to be pulled, but I saw no one warming up in the bullpen. Why was no one warming up? It was more than obvious that Tomko’s pitching was more like Bush’s Iraq war plan. Also given how well the bullpen has been pitching, why not get someone in there right away? When Grady finally got Rudy Seanez in there, it was too late. I have to give the bullpen credit because they gave up zero runs in 6 2/3 innings. NONE.

Strike two for Grady: Bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded and two outs, Olmedo Saenz, the #3 hitter, is walked making the score 8-4. Time for the #4 hitter Jeff Kent, right? Oh no, Grady substituted Ramon Martinez for Kent in the seventh inning. This is the same Jeff Kent who hit a solo homer in the fourth inning. Martinez, by the way, is hitting .170. So you can guess what happens.

I don’t have anything more to say about this game, so thankfully Grady Little doesn’t get struck out (unlike the Dodgers when the bases are loaded). I just want to thank the people who gave me free tickets to the infield loge section for tonight’s game. I’ll be there tomorrow night in my regular top deck section.

Well, at least now we know. Dodgers pitching staff, take note. Give up 7 runs, you can stay in the game. Give up 7 runs and then giving up another hit and Grady picks up the phone to the bullpen. Oh wait, our long reliever is now our starter because Schmidt is on the DL. That's okay. We'll call in Saenez. Rudy comes in and next thing you know it's 8-0 in the 3rd inning (charge that 8th run to Tomko, who gave up 8 in 2.1 innings) and you're feeling like someone just kicked you in the stomach.

If the Dodgers win and no one sees it, does that count as a victory? By George it does! The Dodgers are now 20-14 with a two game lead over the Padres and D-Backs, but they are doing it in an ugly fashion.

The stat that jumps out at me is before Wednesday’s game the Dodgers were 2 for 35 when the bases are loaded. Even worse is they are 0 for 19 when the bases are loaded with two outs. The only Dodgers that have made a hit in this situation are Olmedo Saenz(a double) and My Boyfriend (a walk off grand slam).

It’s nice the Dodgers have strong pitching, but every now and again opposing batters are going to torch the pitching. Take the April 30th game at home against the D-Backs. Randy Wolf gave up six earned runs in 5 2/3 innings pitched. The Dodgers had runners in scoring position throughout the game but left them stranded.

This season has been all about missed chances, and the Dodgers have been lucky so far. Eventually this is going to catch up with them, which is why I predicted they would fall to the bottom of the division by the middle of this month. Fortunately it hasn’t come to fruition, but the Dodgers need clutch hitting.

Dear Dodgers,

What happened to you? I know at the beginning of the season I didn’t expect you to be a power team. I know you are leading the division right now. But it’s still way early in the season and this is starting to get ridiculous.

In the series against the D-Backs you guys stranded a total of 32 men on base, and in the first game against Atlanta y’all left another 10 without even scoring a run. How do you expect to be a threat (much less win games) against opposing teams?

I really think you should put Wilson Betemit on waivers and finally bring up James Loney. It’s been five weeks, and Betemit is still hitting only .125. In the 56 at-bats he’s had in 23 games he’s only managed a meager seven hits. I know in baseball patience is a virtue, but I think five weeks is long enough.

Roughly one month into the season, and the Los Angeles Dodgers are within 2 games of the best record in Major League Baseball. What team began play today with the best record? Why the Milwaukee Brewers, of course. Led by young hitting stars Prince (Don't Call me Cecil) Fielder, Bill Hall (of Fame), Corey (Never Surrender) Hart, and Rickie (insert cheesy nickname here) Weeks, the Brewers have belted more home runs than all but two major league teams. Matched with an unhittable bullpen and a . . . well . . . and a serviceable starting rotation, the Brew Crew is suddenly the team to beat in the National League.

So, you may be asking yourself, how can I go about seeing these Brewers LAist speaks of?

Simple. On Monday, May 21, the Milwaukee Brewers arrive in the City of Angels for a 3 game set versus your Los Angeles Dodgers. And, as luck would have it, the Los Angeles Chapter of the Wisconsin Alumni Association has reserved a bunch of field level tickets for Wisconsin fans and their "baseball friends" (this means you!) to watch these titans of the National League square off. Seats are $20 (normally $40) and located on the field level close to the Brewers bullpen.

Tickets are limited and the deadline to reserve them is May 6. For more information and to reserve your spot, go ahead and click right here.

If you can knock off work a bit early, come on down to the Short Stop (1455 Sunset, right outside the Stadium) around 5:30pm before the game for some upper-midwest-style pre-game festivities. And if you're wondering what upper-midwest-style pre-game festivities entail, well, these guys & gals tapped the PBR keg at last year's event, so make sure you bring your drinkin' cap.

As an added bonus, event organizer Derek Hildebrandt will be buying anyone who can name 5 members of the 1982 Milwaukee Brewers starting lineup a free pint of PBR at the Short Stop. And he's promised that light heckling of the Brewers will be tolerated (just don't start making fun of his Badgers).

Free beer? Cheap Dodger Field Level Tix?? Your drunken picture on LAist Tuesday morning??? How can you lose?!?!?

We couldn't resist yesterday's noon Dodger game. It was sunny, it was pretty much a pitcher's duel, and it was sweet to hear the school kids in the left field pavilion cheering and trying to start the wave.

Yes the home team won, but our little section in the field boxes behind home plate won when this Johnny Knoxville look-alike caught a foul ball and gave it to a beautiful grayhaired woman who had earlier been robbed of a ball that rolled under her seat.

Despite less than 20,000 people there (don't believe the official count), there still somehow seemed to be traffic issues getting out of Chavez Ravine despite the 110 being clear and the game ending around 3:20pm.

Our thanks to the nice ticket scalper across the street from the Super 8 on Sunset who gave us a half price discount off the face value of the amazing seats.

There is no better reason to call in sick to work than a Dodgers mid-week day game. So that's just what I did. To make the whole experience even better, the Dodgers won a close one to the joy of everyone except the 3 Arizona fans in the crowd. Ha ha, too bad for them, who's leading the division now, you Sedona wearing punks?

Hmmm. What should we do? I know, let's kick some Diamondback backside!

Being a natural born cynic, this is hard to say and even harder to do. But the Dodgers did played a 5 hour long game on Sunday and pulled off a win over the Padres, so I will try to hide my disappointment about getting killed 9 to 1 on Monday night by the Diamondbacks, who are now up on the Dodgers by half a game.

Among the big changes at Dodger Stadium during the off-season was the conversion of the right field pavilion into a $35 all-you-can-eat bonanza loving termed the Pigvilion. The acids in my GI tract started churning just at the thought of it. I vowed never to sit there.

Oh but I did Monday night.

A friend convinced me and eight others to buy tickets so we too could bask in the luxury of stuffing ourselves full of hot dogs and nachos. I decided why not. It would be an experience.

I got to the game late because I had to pick up my keys to my new apartment and plug in my stove and fridge. I finally made it through the gates during the second inning. I got myself situated and decided to brave the lines at the top of the third inning while the Diamondbacks were batting.