Last Night on The Hills: Spencer Gets Beasty (In More Ways Than One)
We took a half hour break from This American Life to catch up on The Hills. Here's what we learned:
Episode 3 shed a little more light on this season's love triangle. Whereas last year Kristin and Audrina engaged in a tug o' war over greaseball degenerate Justin Bobby (who hasn't been around as of late, thank heaven) recently Brody set his sights set on bagging one of the two ladies. Although he couldn't decide who he had a crush on. At the cast's clearly forced bowling event, he sniffed around each of them like a desperate stray dog, hoping one of them would find him just cute and pitiable enough to take home, but to Brody's dismay, neither seemed particularly interested. So, in poser bad boy fashion, he instead chose to ditch the girls and focus his affections on a luxury muscle car he called Betty, taking it out for a drag race with his boyz. (Drag race? Really? Could this Prince of Malibu even change the oil if he had to?)
Meanwhile, Heidi threw a birthday party for Enzo, the 7-year-old neighbor kid she is abnormally obsessed with, projecting onto him the motherhood fantasy created by Spencer's refusal to have children. How desperate is she to have Enzo liberate himself from his parents so she can begin a Brangelina clan with him? She had an f'ing circus elephant in the Hollywood Hills - that's how desperate. Speaking of unhealthy attachments, Spencer, who's just been freaking us out in general, developed a bizarre relationship with a baby goat from the party's petting zoo. Unlike his collection of crystals, however, the baby goat clearly did not have calming effects on him, because Spencer spiraled into yet another unsolicited rant. This time his attack focused on Heidi's mother, whom he chastised for not being more supportive of his wife's blatant self-destruction/plastic surgery. "She's not God," he proclaimed, "she's just a vagina!" He then kissed the baby goat on the lips and said, "You hear that lamby?" (It really was a goat. Spencer obviously hasn't been to a farm lately.)
Audrina and Kristin skipped the kiddie fiesta in favor of shoe shopping in Beverly Hills, during which Audrina confided in her once-enemy that she wanted beau Ryan Cabrera to be her one and only. Later that night, Audrina had "the talk" with Ryan and the two decided to be exclusive. So, with Audrina officially off the market, Brody grabbed dinner with default-girl Kristin, and the two spent the date giggling around the fact that Ryan's simply not good-looking enough to be dating Audrina. (Neither of them actually said it. But we're saying it.)
And in a final act of instability, Spencer unleashed rage once again on sis-in-law Holly, who confronted him about reducing her mother to a "vagina" at a child's birthday party. Spencer spat some craziness - honestly, we don't even know what he was talking about - but he made Holly cry then stormed out of the house, slamming the door with as much force as a pipsqueak d-bag can muster, then stood outside like a fool because he had nowhere to actually storm to. Heidi, who also looked a little misty-eyed, (if only there were a surgery for bigger tear ducts!) looked longingly at her crazy husband and told her sister she couldn't take it anymore. Is this perhaps foreshadowing a Speidi divorce? But it begs the question, are the Pratts really headed for a split or is this yet another supernarcissistic publicity stunt? Honestly, what would those two do without each other? We'll see. Until next week!