Last Night on The Hills: Heidi's Face May Be Fake But Her Tears Are Real
We took a half hour break from watching BBC America last night to check in on The Hills, and here's what we learned:
The premiere wasted no time in showing us just what kind of crazy everyone is bringing to the table this season. First off, before the opening theme song we were informed that Stephanie Pratt is in AA, has a DUI, has been in jail twice and is on probation. She's also had plastic surgery, but that was rendered irrelevant in comparison to that of sister-in-law Heidi Montag Pratt, whose nips and tucks (more like hacks and slashes) were so drastic that her face was shielded from view in opening scenes, apparently to build suspense. (As if we haven't shuddered over the before and after pics already.) Heidi's face was only finally revealed after she hopped a plane to visit her mom in Colorado, who literally burst into tears when she saw her.
After regaling her long list of recent revisions, Heidi asked her mom if she "looked good." Mama Montag couldn't help but admit to her daughter that she looked like an alien. (She didn't use the word "alien" per se, but you could tell in her eyes she was thinking it.) This put Heidi over the edge, and her post-surgery cry face was perhaps the most frightening thing we've ever seen. It made the Nightmare on Elm Street preview that played during the commercial breaks look like a Pixar film.
Meanwhile, the rest of the crew left chilly Los Angeles for Miami, not so much to attend the Superbowl, but the Maxim party that happened around it. Despite the fact that Kristin and Audrina weren't speaking when Season 5 ended, apparently everyone is friends now. We guess ridiculously high per-episode paychecks would make anyone reconsider who's friend and who's foe.
Still, Kristin should have known better than to ever step out of earshot, because the moment she did, Stephanie, Audrina and Lo accused her (behind her back) of doing drugs, and collectively decided she's banished. They weren't so much worried about their frenemy who may be sacrificing her personal health and safety, but that hanging with Kristin may lead to run-ins with crackheads. (No really, Lo said this.)
Kristin wasted no time in letting the girls know that just because she parties till 8 a.m., wears sunglasses in her hotel room and talks like Cookie Monster in the morning does not mean she has a problem. She was so pissed at her Hills cohorts that she actually had a different P.A. drive her to the airport. Bitches.
We're going to take a brief moment to appreciate that this episode had (almost) absolutely no Spencer Pratt in it. We can't imagine that will last long so, like Oprah tells us to do, we're writing it in our gratitude journals. We'll see what happens next week.