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The first Transformers was by every estimation a bad movie. Sure the effects were cool, even groundbreaking, but every other element of the movie was basically silly, if not frequently and insultingly stupid. Its sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is significantly, significantly worse. Absent the mildly diverting discovery arc of the first film, the second one is literally nothing but uninspired set piece after uninspired set piece after uninspired set piece after uninspired set piece. And if you think this review is repetitive, try watching the movie.
Revenge of the Fallen begins a few years after the conclusion of the first film. Megatron has been buried in the ocean and the Autobots are scouring the world trying to stamp out the final remnants of the Decepticons. Meanwhile, Shia LaBoeuf's Sam Witwicky is still laying hard, thick wood into Megan Fox's waiting quim. All science fiction films strain credulity to a certain extent, but is it even remotely believable that power-dork Sam would actually leave Mikaela's wonder-pussy to go to fucking college? I think not, DreamWorks! I think not!
Of course, Sam does go to college and is conveniently assigned a roommate who -- get this -- runs a website devoted to exposing the government's cover-up of the Autobots and Decepticons! Brilliant storytelling. Seriously. Brilliant, brilliant stuff. While at college Sam meets an incredibly hot Euro-slut who wants to bang him, but -- like most 18 year-olds -- he resists her advances despite the fact that his girlfriend is thousands of miles away and the skinny Euro-slut is likely into analingus. Meanwhile, shit is going crazy back at home.
The mighty All-Spark thought destroyed in the first film still has two slivers remaining. One is kept under tight government security on the island of Diego Garcia; the other is kept in Megan Fox's purse next to her tampons (wait a minute -- she's too skinny to menstruate!). In short order, the remaining Decepticons are after both. A full, mechanized assault is successfully launched against the military outpost and the first All-Spark shard is secured. Unfortunately, the tinker toy that pursues Megan is easily captured and off she goes to find Shia.
She basically finds him in fragrante delicto with the Euro-slut and storms out of his dorm room. But wait a minute -- Euro-slut is a fucking robot! Cue all hell breaking loose. Shit blows up. Then, later on, more shit blows up. Robots fight. Escape seems impossible so, of course, they escape without too much trouble and no injuries. The Deceptions are on the move. The Autobots are insulted by a government bureaucrat and retreat into the background. Optimus Prime is killed by Megatron! Repeat -- Optimus Prime killed by Megatron!
At this point, I lost track of the movie as I started reading texts on my phone. While the first film was a straight action picture, Revenge of the Fallen includes all sorts of weird, mythographical exposition. We learn about the "original Primes", meet the "Fallen Prime", discover what the "Matrix" is (I kid you fucking not) -- basically, it's all just white noise to keep stupid people distracted between action sequences. I'd like to say it's nothing more than derivative shit, but that would insult infinitely superior derivative shit like, say, the Eragon books.
Thankfully, it all eventually ends (abruptly, of course, with a completely flaccid final battle). The Autobots win; the Decepticons lose. The Fallen Prime is killed by a reborn Optimus Prime (shocker!). A disfigured Megatron escapes with Star Scream to plot for Transformers 3 in 2011. Michael Bay lights Megan Fox's tits perfectly. She and Shia French kiss. Sam's annoying parents escape death to everyone's disappointment. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson wonder why they were cast in this movie. Michael Riefenstahl gets rich. Satan wins.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen opens tomorrow in theaters. Please don't see it. Please don't contribute to the destruction of all that is good in the human spirit. If you absolutely must go (e.g. you have bratty kids who won't stop yapping), please fart loudly and repeatedly in the theater so that everyone's good time is ruined.
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i'm not positive, but i get the impression you didn't like this one...
haha! "Its sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is significantly, significantly worse.
Many people will go to this movie just to verify your 'lighting on Megan Fox's T's' is accurate.
Way ahead of you, Josh. I've been farting since I heard they were making a sequel.
At this point, I lost track of the movie as I started reading texts on my phone.
If you don't like a movie, then leave. Don't subject the people around you to obnoxious cell phone light pollution.
Considering he was most likely at a press screening, it's not as though people paid to be there. And while I would usually agree, you don't know if he was in the back row or not.
Reverto --
For virtually any other movie, I would be in 100% agreement with you. With respect to this film, however, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take the Fascist viewpoint and ruin everyone's fun.
Reverto is apparently new to either the internet, or to writing conventions. Also, the people who see this movie are already being subjected to obnoxioous light pollution. Text messaging isn't likely to brighten thigns up enough to obscure that.
Preach on Rev. Tate!
Mr. Tate, I'm afraid your spiteful review betrays you and your true motives. I sense a great deal of jealousy toward a genius filmmaker like Michael Bay. Please let me know the next time you make a landmark action film. I'll be waiting. Probably a long, long, long time.
Tuttle--
I would replace "a long, long, long time" with "forever".
Did you think it would be Apocalypse Now?
You sound like this movie actually stepped on your vegan eating puppy and ate it for lunch.
This is a CGI heavy action movie, people go to see things blow up and Megan Fox's tits bounce. I think they will get $12 worth of exactly that.
There will be a Transformers 3 and it will make millions also.
Well you certainly won this argument. After all, "lots of fucking idiots saw it" always disproves "it is objective shit". That's why George Bush is wisely regarded as the greatest president in modern history.
Truly, your powers of debate are formidable.
No wait, they aren't.
As crappy as this movie apparently is, I will still see it and my roommate will still buy it on Blueray DVD.
yeah, i know i'll be seeing it on sunday with my daughter, my sister and two of her boys. i don't expect this movie to be anything but action fluff. i know i won't be disappointed that way.
You will be disappointed. I like action fluff. I liked an otherwise ordinary movie like Wolverine. This movie does not rise to that admittedly low level.
wow, that bad...i guess i should at least be glad we're hitting a matinee?
I would recommend buying a ticket for a different movie and then sneaking into Transformers
I agree with where I think you're going. Adding to it, I simply do not believe in turning off my critical functions. Just because a movie isn't aiming to be The Godfather doesn't mean it cannot be judged qualitatively, based on the standards of that sort of movie. To say otherwise is to reveal yourself as intellectually lazy. An all to common affliction, sadly.
Or put more succinctly, every meal doesn't have to be the definition of healthy eating. But we know the difference between a good burrito, and the processed animal shit they serve at Taco Bell, right? Is it too much to seek out quality, even when going for the easy thrill? I think not.
it's not too much to seek out quality. however, i don't think it's "intellectually lazy" to sometimes just want simple entertainment. i'd say that would apply if you never seek out anything stimulating and always go for stuff like this.
i mean really, do you only ever go for highbrow entertainment?
I think that's a false choice, though. I love popcorn blockbusters that are good. For instance, the new Star Trek is an excellent movie. It was as broad and commercially-directed as Revenge of the Fallen. The problem with Revenge of the Fallen isn't that it's a big-budget action picture, it's that it's a big-budget action picture that sucks beyond belief.
oh don't get me wrong, i wasn't meaning to use transformers as the example as i haven't seen it. and i don't think i would use it as the example in defending the choice to watch fluff entertainment.
i just don't like the attitude of "oh that's beneath me" being brought into this. you gave a review that very clearly showed your opinion without deriding other people's tastes.
i happen to think borat and brüno look completely idiotic and extremely unfunny, but i don't think people who like those kinds of movies are stupid.
Let me restate something: if a work of art is objective shit, then it should be beneath you. That's not snobbery, that's being a thinking, rational human being.
This applies to high art (David Lynch movies, for instance, are patent fucking bullshit and he ought to be slapped with a camera for every shitty film he's ever made), and low art (this movie).
But in case you think I spend all my time wanking off to Fellini films while eating escargo, last Friday night, I watched Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, while eating bean and cheese burritos from Carnitas michocan.
Also:
Star Trek: Awesome. Dumb, but awesome.
Fast And Furious: Dumber than dirt. I still loved the hell out of this movie.
In both cases, I didn't simply go into a theater and voluntarily turn myself into a fucking retard for 2 hours. I'm not 5 you know? If I enjoy something I fully intend to fucking examine why. And I'm not giving somethign a pass just because it's "dumb". George Bush was pretty dumb, and we wasn't aiming to be Lincoln, Right?
Point is, people need to stop pretending that they're being open minded by apporaching the world with the same critical function as Terry Schaivo.
Speaking of dumber than dirt, my typos.
I think Josh's point is that this movie is beneath EVERYONE.
Reading comprehension FAIL:
"Or put more succinctly, every meal doesn't have to be the definition of healthy eating. But we know the difference between a good burrito, and the processed animal shit they serve at Taco Bell, right?"
Also:
"Just because a movie isn't aiming to be The Godfather doesn't mean it cannot be judged qualitatively, based on the standards of that sort of movie. "
So you clearly didn't read what I wrote. Please re-read, and then tell me where I said I only go for highbrow entertainment?
Speaking of intellectual laziness...
ok, most of the time i enjoy reading what you write ross, but right now you're being an asshole for no reason other than to JUST BE AN ASSHOLE.
i didn't say you SAID you only go for highbrow stuff, but you were coming across with a really lame pretentious attitude. don't come at me with "reading comprehension fail" and respond to me like i'm a fucking moron.
Please accept my apologies. I didn't mean to be personal. I get really, really annoyed by this kind of thing, probably out of proportion to the magnitude, and failed to edit and came off as a dick. Sorry.
Clarify: was a dick. Again, sorry.
However I don't think I was pretentious. It isn't pretension to want a meal, even a unhealthy fast food meal, to be a memorable, flavorful experience, anymore than it is to expect a movie, even a big dumb one, not to be a stroke-inducing insult to your intelligence.
Plus, if we as a culture are willing to tolerate cultural products that costs upwards of 300 million dollars to produce, shouldn't we at the very least be willing to criticize them for sucking?
apology(ies) accepted. :) ok. i absolutely agree that we should be able to criticize suckiness. i never disagreed with that. and i think the irony is/will be that i'll come back on here after i've seen it saying it was total shit. i'll be seeing it with my two nephews (ages 5 and 6) and my daughter (age 12) so seeing it with them will hopefully give me a different perspective about it.
Ross. You were being pretentious. Your "David Lynch", "Objective Shit" rant was the definition of it.
http://definr.com/pretentious
Hmmm, if you mean that I am, generally speaking, pretentious, then yes, you're right, and I stand by it. I didn't start drinking wine even in Dive bars so people would mistake me for a frippery-free, no nonsense kind of guy.
That said, to clarify, I was specifically saying that my suggestion that people should seek quality, no matter what kind of entertainment they're digesting, is not pretentious anymore than it is pretentious to want your burger to be tasty, instead of bland, E Coli infected criznap.
In summary: Ross = Pretentious. Ross' point does not = pretentious. I'm right, QED.
Obviously I didn't expect it to be good. I would have been thrilled with a Terminator: Salvation level of shitty-ness. Think about that for a second: Terminator: Salvation is a much, much, much better movie than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
Sure the effects were cool, even groundbreaking
... you are being way too nice. A blur of moving parts, which is so blurry you can't even see what is going on, are not cool effects. I can shake around my hand REALLY really fast in front of a camera and get a similar effect that way.
*which are, not is. I still stand by my statement though.
Thanks for your honest and enjoyable review. It served its purpose. I didn't see the first movie but thought I may give this one a chance on DVD. I won't waste my money.
haha, after posting that last reply, i was on cnn.com and they posted their review... click here to read .
You didn't even mention the racism of jive-talking robots, one with a gold tooth, who can't read.
Oh yeah, Bay loves his stereotypes! As if you needed another reason not to reward this garbage with your money.
I would say that the "Twins" were a low-point in the movie, but that would imply there were high-points.
First off...
Texting during a movie, your supposedly reviewing? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
2nd off...
Your bashing the movie for things such as "The Matrix."??? Geee i wonder why they included that? MAYBE because it plays A HUGE IMPORTANCE in Transformers the original. And possibly because Transformers came out way before the movie The Matrix so to say (I fucking kid you not) because Transformers uses something that has the name of a current movie is the most idiotic statement i have ever heard when reviewing a movie.
Regardless of the case, ive seen the film and can say that...
The action is the movie is of course spectacular, big improvement from the first movie.
The story line is incredible at first, action packed, then in the middle you are stuck in an hour of long build up to a huge fight at the end, however once you reach that fight your sooo tired from the huge build up that you just want it to end already.
Final Statement: Transformers 2... Did it surpass the original? No. Was it an enjoyable movie? Yes. Did the Director drag it on much longer then it should have been? Yes.
See... thats a review. You on the other hand gave a massive long annoying and childish spoiler.
Adios
(Noticed a few typos so i figured i would edit it as a reply)...
First off...
Texting during a movie, your supposedly reviewing? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
2nd off...
Your bashing the movie for things such as "The Matrix."??? Geee i wonder why they included that? MAYBE because it plays A HUGE IMPORTANCE in Transformers the original. And possibly because Transformers came out way before the movie The Matrix, so to say"(I fucking kid you not" because Transformers uses something that has the name of a current movie is the most idiotic statement i have ever heard when reviewing a movie.
Regardless of the case, ive seen the film and can say that...
The action in the movie is of course spectacular, big improvement from the first movie.
The story line is incredible at first, action packed, then in the middle you are stuck in an hour of long build up to a huge fight at the end, however once you reach that fight your sooo tired from the huge build up that you just want it to end already.
Final Statement: Transformers 2... Did it surpass the original? No. Was it an enjoyable movie? Yes. Did the Director drag it on much longer then it should have been? Yes.
See... thats a review. You on the other hand gave a massive long annoying and childish spoiler.
Adios
The action is not spectacular. The storyline is not incredible. The movie is not enjoyable.
One last thing...it's funny that you say you edited for typos because the word is "you're". It's a contraction of "you are". "Your" is a possessive.
But is there another hi-larious giant robot urination scene?
I saw this in Mexico City a few nights ago. It truly isn't as horrid as the review would want us to believe. Terminator:Salvation was 1000 times worse than this. Of course Transformers 2 was full of gratuitous slo-mo shots of Ms Fox and barely strung together plot developments, but I figure if you go into it with the usual expectation you reserve for a Hollywood film, you will leave neither impressed or let down. It will help you fill in a few hours if you are bored. Nothing more or less.
I find it appropriate that such a commonplace movie is written about in the same vein. Really LAist? "thick wood into Megan Fox's waiting quim" "Euro-slut is likely into analingus" "Michael Bay lights Megan Fox's tits perfectly" "Mikaela's wonder-pussy to go to fucking college"-- I could go on but I really don't feel like rereading the article. I mean I realize you aren't The New Yorker but for Christ's sake I thought I was reading an add on craigslist.
Find better writers, at least ones that actually review movies, not simply string together words for their own cheap amusement.
Uh, LiskaB, that was sort of the fucking point. Cretinous material like Revenge of the Fallen deserves EXACTLY that kind of treatment. And, for the record, I wasn't inventing those things out of whole cloth. Those things I said are EXACTLY the sub-text of this movie.
One thing to consider.
That the main "target market" audience for this movie are the vastly illiterate ritalin swilling youth, twitching harshly in the theater.
They tend to really *like* fractured crazy jibberish nonsense in between their bright and shiny 3D anime action scenes.
Not to say that other people couldn't/shouldn't enjoy it too (have at it). Just as a cultural explanation for the seeming dirtbaggishly insane lack of cohesion. (IE: listen to the bulk of the crowd try to string a sentence together). ; ]
Spoken like a person whose taught a course or two of freshman comp at one of our fine institions of higher learning outside the Top 25, or possibly a tour or two "in the shit" doing of high school US History?
That's spoken like a person who's taught his fair share of freshman comp classes at one of our nation's fine institutions of higher learning outside of the the Top 25 or, possibly, a tour or two "in the shit" doing high school US History? Amirite? Contact me to swap war wounds.
Ummm, I hope you meant war *stories*?
'Cuz trading wounds is like, ewww. ; ]
"in fragrante delicto" [sic]
So Sam *did* end up letting Euro-slut sniff his ass, after all?
I loved this review, Josh. Freudian slip and all. Righteous sarcastic outrage, dude!
Once again, I [heart] Ross A. Lincoln. He's even swoon-y when he apologizes.
you're just saying that because unlike me, you can actually spell. :P
Josh you are awesome sir. I wish I could watch more movies with people like you. You know what you are talking about. "Satan wins" is still cracking me up. Were there any good blockbusters this summer?
Please, let it never be said that I don't love a well-made blockbuster. Star Trek blows the doors off of Transformers in terms of genuine thrills and tension. Hell, even Wolverine and Terminator 4 had more of a vicarious punch in the gut. And if you are interested in the gold-standard of bloated blockbusters, any of the Bourne films should satisfy!