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It's no secret that 2008 has been a massive, epic failure of a year. With a couple of glaring exceptions, practically everything that could possible have gone wrong has gone miserably and completely wrong. It's almost as if the last 8 years was nothing more than a time release poison pill set to take effect at approximately... um, what time is it right now?
You name it and it probably sucked - why, so much lameness happened all at once and all over the year that when pausing to consider just how gruesome 2008 has been, one doesn't feel excitement or anticipation for the new year so much as relief that the current one is finally over and we weren't killed in the process. Think about 2008 too much and the risk of injury, mental and physical, is severe.
Fortunately, we at LAist are willing to take that risk, make that sacrifice and deliver to you, our loyal readers, the definitive guide to the dumbest, most cringeworthy, most infuriating nonsense that made 2008 the lame ass crap year that it was. So eat your black eyed peas, count off your resolutions, drink a toast guzzle an entire bottle of booze to the new (and hopefully better) year, and then enjoy this belated holiday gift: The Top Ten Worst Things about the soon to be departed year 2008.
3) A Tie Between Ben Stein and George Lucas.
2008 was in many respects a disastrous year for movies, even if you factor in some of the insane brilliance that came out of it. That's because of our number three tie holders. First up, an odious little film from the guy who used to host Win Ben Stein's money called "Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed". This alleged documentary is all about how the scientific establishment, with their nearly unanimous consensus regarding the factual basis of evolutionary theory, are actually an evil cabal bent on hiding the truth, or, at least, bent on suppressing the supposedly reasonable arguments and evidence put forth by the proponents of intelligent design.
Now, you and I might think it odd that a Jewish guy would throw his lot in with the hard core of the Christian Right. You and I might also think it odd that the scientific findings of approximately 99.9999% of all biologists would continue to be treated as a controversy, but the jokes on us because, as Stein spends over an hour insisting, the evidence for evolution is far from conclusive. If by conclusive, he doesn't mean "serving to settle or decide a question; decisive; convincing". But then, we're talking about a guy who cut his teeth writing speeches for Richard Nixon. Penning "I am not a crook" for the 37th president must surely have prepared him for a movie like this.
The only thing to match "Expelled"'s level of achievement in the field of being exceptionally wack is the latest crap to fall dead and blackened from the tree of George Lucas' once-fertile imagination. First, not content with destroying the legacy of the Star Wars trilogy with a follow up series of terrible movies in which he turned Darth Vader into the Galaxy's biggest crybaby, Lucas returned to the crypt one more time (but not the last!) to sexually assault the decomposing corpse of his once awesome franchise with a terrible cartoon called, simply The Clone Wars. How terrible is it? Lucas insisted that it include a Hutt character with the voice and mannerisms of Truman Capote. We'll leave it at that.
But Lucas' cinematic necrophila didn't stop with Star Wars. There is also, of course, the horrible Indiana Jones And The Viagra Geritol, a wretched follow up to the once awesome Indiana Jones series of films. Much has been said about it's sheer mind numbing terribleness, so I won't say anything more than "nuke the fridge", and that you should watch the South Park episode it inspired.
In 2009, we hope that Ben Stein goes back to hocking eye care products and SsTFU about sciences he obviously does not understand. And Lucas? May he hit his head and forget that he ever had a career in film. (photo from the mad LOLscientist, via Flickr)
FOOTNOTES:
1) And to a lesser extent artistically but a greater extent commercially, Madonna.
2) I will never refer to her as "Beyonce. She hasn't earned the one-name trademark.
3) as in "dick". Zing!
4) it's crap.
5) apologies to an old Family Guy episode for stealing that joke structure.
6) W/U to Molly7
7) W/U = word up, the much better version of H/T, or "hat tip".
8) Now That's What Call Cock Rock?
9) But seriously, China, could you try to be a less scary version of America's Ghost of Christmas' Future?
10) Confidential to Yang Peiyi: This crap still happens here too. However, you should watch Singin' in the Rain to be reassured that cheaters don't get to marry Gene Kelly. They're punished instead by marrying Pete Wentz. See also footnote 6.
11) Imagine what would have happened if he was obsessed with Michael J's other film from 1985. Would he be McFly White?
12) Not "that one".
13) Yes people, it was an affectation, like Dubya's cowboy hat. She doesn't really talk like that.
14) I lost a bet over Bristol's pregnancy. Look for my youtube video, as stipulated by the terms of the bet, in the next week or so.
15) Fuck prop 8. If you voted for it, fuck you too.
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Another fine series Ross.
I have a two questions for you. Why is "Sasha Fierce" doing a dance move that failed to inspire when the Back Street Boys did it after stealing the move from Popeye the Sailor? Maybe being able to answer that question will get you off of the misfired bet.
What was the bet?
When the hilarity about Governor Palin first begain to emerge, particularly her husband's ties to the AIP, and the many rumors about the alleged maternity of trig, I bet a friend of mine that she would end up dropping out of the campaign. This was a tongue in cheek bet since people such as her have no shame but it seemed a fair one, given the sheer number of issues surrounding her. The loser of the bet was required to post a video praising the winner, to youtube.
Then, in mid october, we doubled down - now the bet, one I was convinced I would win, was that Britol would have a "tragic" miscarriage, or that some other reason would present itself for why the baby wouldn't be born - the reason, of course, if that there were lots of delicious rumors that the Bristol pregnancy was basically a lie to cover up the alleged Trip maternity.
Yes, yes, I know it's a *unlikely* rumor, but even so, I love a gossipy bet. All in good fun at the expense of others, and so forth. Anyway, with Bristol's recent delivery, I lost, so I have to post two vids praising my friend. Sigh.
I would like to add an update to my list. Had I read this before publishing, I would have added it as a honorable mention:
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/12/gonzo_im_a_casualty_of_the_war.php
Alberto Gonzalez yesterday referred to himself as "a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror." This because, thanks to his idiocy and basic lack of humanity, he cannot find a job. No law firm will touch him.
You mean Alberto, if the president does it, it's not a crime, Gonzalez. Yes, I remember that guy. I think he set some sort of "I do not recall" record in front of Congress.
a tour de force
I am so glad "Sasha Fierce" made your list. You expressed my sentiments exactly with that one. Just sad.
And I thought the Chinese Olympics stunt was pretty sad too.
Thank you RAL, that was cathartic.
Whoa, you guys redesigned! I like it.
Also, Ross, thank you for this. Especially for #1. Thank you.