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It's no secret that 2008 has been a massive, epic failure of a year. With a couple of glaring exceptions, practically everything that could possible have gone wrong has gone miserably and completely wrong. It's almost as if the last 8 years was nothing more than a time release poison pill set to take effect at approximately... um, what time is it right now?
You name it and it probably sucked - why, so much lameness happened all at once and all over the year that when pausing to consider just how gruesome 2008 has been, one doesn't feel excitement or anticipation for the new year so much as relief that the current one is finally over and we weren't killed in the process. Think about 2008 too much and the risk of injury, mental and physical, is severe.
Fortunately, we at LAist are willing to take that risk, make that sacrifice and deliver to you, our loyal readers, the definitive guide to the dumbest, most cringeworthy, most infuriating nonsense that made 2008 the lame ass crap year that it was. So eat your black eyed peas, count off your resolutions, drink a toast guzzle an entire bottle of booze to the new (and hopefully better) year, and then enjoy this belated holiday gift: The Top Ten Worst Things about the soon to be departed year 2008.
5)NFL Players.
The NFL chooses only the best, most physically perfect, most expertly skilled football players in the country to play in the league. These men have devoted the bulk of their lives, and their bulks, to perfecting their ability to play a game most people use as an excuse to get away with calling someone a faggot in front of the school principal without getting detention, and for their efforts they are handsomely, in some cases royally rewarded.
Unfortunately, one trait that the NFL clearly does not look for is intellectual complexity or emotional maturity, and every so often, the result is a perfect storm of Douchelarity that perfectly captures why jocks probably shouldn't be so well compensated. Such is the case in 2008, and it's given the entire organization the coveted number 5 spot.
We start by noting that the saga of Michael Vick continued into this year as state charges in Virginia were filed, and in November, he was sentenced to additional time. But this year, the spirit award for weirdest violence goes to Plaxico Burress, Wide Receiver for the New York Giants, who went to an NYC nightclub wearing sweatpants and decided to bring a gun with him. Surely, you think, an athlete like Burress would realize how flimsy the waistband of a pair of sweats is and get a holster or something. But no, you'd be wrong because he tucked the gun in the waistband. Of his sweatpants. And then went dancing. I can't even work out for 20 minutes without my sweats falling to my knees, so you can bet this story ends well. The gun slid from its perch, down his legs and hit the ground with a bang that sent a bullet into his leg. Awesome.
Next, we come to the inimitable Brett Favre, a 3 time MVP award winner who reached the end of his 15th year with the Packers by making a pouty face and threatening to cry announcing his plan to retire because the team's owners didn't make enough of an effort to tell him how extra special and wonderful he is. Thus he began a months-long soap opera announcing in March that he intended to retire, then commenced an hilarious on-again off-again Kabuki intended to force Green Bay to unconditionally let him go. He's now with the Jets and presumably, is being reassured on a daily basis that he's daddy's special little guy.
Best of all, however, is that 2008 was the year that NFL players discovered legal name changing. Chad Johnson, number 85 for the Cincinnati Bengals, recently developed something of a fascination with Latin culture, and in August he legally changed his name to, and we are not kidding, Chad Ocho Cinco. Too bad that en Espanol, "85" is ochenta y cinco. Not to be outdone, Greg White of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers had his name legally changed because of his fascination with a 1985 movie. The movie? Teen Wolf. The Character? Styles11.
Congratulations NFL - of all the Sports organizations in the country, you're 2008's worst. (photo from msmail, via Flickr)
FOOTNOTES:
1) And to a lesser extent artistically but a greater extent commercially, Madonna.
2) I will never refer to her as "Beyonce. She hasn't earned the one-name trademark.
3) as in "dick". Zing!
4) it's crap.
5) apologies to an old Family Guy episode for stealing that joke structure.
6) W/U to Molly7
7) W/U = word up, the much better version of H/T, or "hat tip".
8) Now That's What Call Cock Rock?
9) But seriously, China, could you try to be a less scary version of America's Ghost of Christmas' Future?
10) Confidential to Yang Peiyi: This crap still happens here too. However, you should watch Singin' in the Rain to be reassured that cheaters don't get to marry Gene Kelly. They're punished instead by marrying Pete Wentz. See also footnote 6.
11) Imagine what would have happened if he was obsessed with Michael J's other film from 1985. Would he be McFly White?
12) Not "that one".
13) Yes people, it was an affectation, like Dubya's cowboy hat. She doesn't really talk like that.
14) I lost a bet over Bristol's pregnancy. Look for my youtube video, as stipulated by the terms of the bet, in the next week or so.
15) Fuck prop 8. If you voted for it, fuck you too.
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Another fine series Ross.
I have a two questions for you. Why is "Sasha Fierce" doing a dance move that failed to inspire when the Back Street Boys did it after stealing the move from Popeye the Sailor? Maybe being able to answer that question will get you off of the misfired bet.
What was the bet?
When the hilarity about Governor Palin first begain to emerge, particularly her husband's ties to the AIP, and the many rumors about the alleged maternity of trig, I bet a friend of mine that she would end up dropping out of the campaign. This was a tongue in cheek bet since people such as her have no shame but it seemed a fair one, given the sheer number of issues surrounding her. The loser of the bet was required to post a video praising the winner, to youtube.
Then, in mid october, we doubled down - now the bet, one I was convinced I would win, was that Britol would have a "tragic" miscarriage, or that some other reason would present itself for why the baby wouldn't be born - the reason, of course, if that there were lots of delicious rumors that the Bristol pregnancy was basically a lie to cover up the alleged Trip maternity.
Yes, yes, I know it's a *unlikely* rumor, but even so, I love a gossipy bet. All in good fun at the expense of others, and so forth. Anyway, with Bristol's recent delivery, I lost, so I have to post two vids praising my friend. Sigh.
I would like to add an update to my list. Had I read this before publishing, I would have added it as a honorable mention:
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/12/gonzo_im_a_casualty_of_the_war.php
Alberto Gonzalez yesterday referred to himself as "a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror." This because, thanks to his idiocy and basic lack of humanity, he cannot find a job. No law firm will touch him.
You mean Alberto, if the president does it, it's not a crime, Gonzalez. Yes, I remember that guy. I think he set some sort of "I do not recall" record in front of Congress.
a tour de force
I am so glad "Sasha Fierce" made your list. You expressed my sentiments exactly with that one. Just sad.
And I thought the Chinese Olympics stunt was pretty sad too.
Thank you RAL, that was cathartic.
Whoa, you guys redesigned! I like it.
Also, Ross, thank you for this. Especially for #1. Thank you.