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It's no secret that 2008 has been a massive, epic failure of a year. With a couple of glaring exceptions, practically everything that could possible have gone wrong has gone miserably and completely wrong. It's almost as if the last 8 years was nothing more than a time release poison pill set to take effect at approximately... um, what time is it right now?
You name it and it probably sucked - why, so much lameness happened all at once and all over the year that when pausing to consider just how gruesome 2008 has been, one doesn't feel excitement or anticipation for the new year so much as relief that the current one is finally over and we weren't killed in the process. Think about 2008 too much and the risk of injury, mental and physical, is severe.
Fortunately, we at LAist are willing to take that risk, make that sacrifice and deliver to you, our loyal readers, the definitive guide to the dumbest, most cringeworthy, most infuriating nonsense that made 2008 the lame ass crap year that it was. So eat your black eyed peas, count off your resolutions, drink a toast guzzle an entire bottle of booze to the new (and hopefully better) year, and then enjoy this belated holiday gift: The Top Ten Worst Things about the soon to be departed year 2008.
9) The Democratic Party: America's concedingest wimpfolk.5
Think back to high school. When you first saw the group of bullies picking on weaker, unpopular kids, you felt sorry for them and wanted to help. You might even have gotten attacked yourself for intervening. Unfortunately, those same unpopular kids saw themselves as part of the school and had no desire to better themselves, so they probably made fun of you to curry favor with the bullies, and then, after they were beaten up yet again, they made jokes with the bullies and kissed their asses. So you kind of started thinking they had it coming and after a while, you looked forward to seeing them get their asses kicked.
If Washington, D.C. is the High School of America, then the Democrats probably have it coming. After two consecutive electoral blowouts and the insanely popular President-elect at the head of their party, you'd think that they would be lording it over everyone in town, albeit in the style of a lord who believes in a strengthened social safety net, better government and not having the rest of the world hate us. After all, isn't one of the perks of being in charge of more than half the government that you get to set some damned terms?
Nope, because the Democrats never let winning get in the way of losing. The list of their pathetic failures almost warrants a separate article:
* They'd rather insult their own base than stand up for any principles.
* The Bailout of the financial sector, during which the democrats conceded every single issue, failing to mandate even minimal oversight. This obviously turned out well for everyone.
* The FISA debacle, where even Obama caved like a deregulated coal mine and allowed the Democrats to pass a bill effectively giving Telecoms full immunity for breaking the law because George Bush told them so.
But the single clearest example of their stunning unwillingness to fight for anything, is Joe Lieberman.
Joe spent the better part of 2008 stabbing democrats in the back as often as possible. He endorsed John McCain. He implied that he considered Obama unfit for Office. He gave a speech at the Republican national Convention. Hell, he repeatedly insinuated that Obama might be a traitor! So how did the democrats deal with his disloyalty and clear lack of commitment to the party? Oh yeah, by letting him keep every single perk coming to him, and insisting that he was a member in good standing of the caucus. And he still rubbed their faces in it.
Maybe instead of lecturing liberal bloggers about how much we swear, in 2009 they could rewatch Revenge of the Nerds and this time, take notes6. (Photo from Cosmic Smudge, via Flickr)
FOOTNOTES:
1) And to a lesser extent artistically but a greater extent commercially, Madonna.
2) I will never refer to her as "Beyonce. She hasn't earned the one-name trademark.
3) as in "dick". Zing!
4) it's crap.
5) apologies to an old Family Guy episode for stealing that joke structure.
6) W/U to Molly7
7) W/U = word up, the much better version of H/T, or "hat tip".
8) Now That's What Call Cock Rock?
9) But seriously, China, could you try to be a less scary version of America's Ghost of Christmas' Future?
10) Confidential to Yang Peiyi: This crap still happens here too. However, you should watch Singin' in the Rain to be reassured that cheaters don't get to marry Gene Kelly. They're punished instead by marrying Pete Wentz. See also footnote 6.
11) Imagine what would have happened if he was obsessed with Michael J's other film from 1985. Would he be McFly White?
12) Not "that one".
13) Yes people, it was an affectation, like Dubya's cowboy hat. She doesn't really talk like that.
14) I lost a bet over Bristol's pregnancy. Look for my youtube video, as stipulated by the terms of the bet, in the next week or so.
15) Fuck prop 8. If you voted for it, fuck you too.
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Another fine series Ross.
I have a two questions for you. Why is "Sasha Fierce" doing a dance move that failed to inspire when the Back Street Boys did it after stealing the move from Popeye the Sailor? Maybe being able to answer that question will get you off of the misfired bet.
What was the bet?
When the hilarity about Governor Palin first begain to emerge, particularly her husband's ties to the AIP, and the many rumors about the alleged maternity of trig, I bet a friend of mine that she would end up dropping out of the campaign. This was a tongue in cheek bet since people such as her have no shame but it seemed a fair one, given the sheer number of issues surrounding her. The loser of the bet was required to post a video praising the winner, to youtube.
Then, in mid october, we doubled down - now the bet, one I was convinced I would win, was that Britol would have a "tragic" miscarriage, or that some other reason would present itself for why the baby wouldn't be born - the reason, of course, if that there were lots of delicious rumors that the Bristol pregnancy was basically a lie to cover up the alleged Trip maternity.
Yes, yes, I know it's a *unlikely* rumor, but even so, I love a gossipy bet. All in good fun at the expense of others, and so forth. Anyway, with Bristol's recent delivery, I lost, so I have to post two vids praising my friend. Sigh.
I would like to add an update to my list. Had I read this before publishing, I would have added it as a honorable mention:
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/12/gonzo_im_a_casualty_of_the_war.php
Alberto Gonzalez yesterday referred to himself as "a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror." This because, thanks to his idiocy and basic lack of humanity, he cannot find a job. No law firm will touch him.
You mean Alberto, if the president does it, it's not a crime, Gonzalez. Yes, I remember that guy. I think he set some sort of "I do not recall" record in front of Congress.
a tour de force
I am so glad "Sasha Fierce" made your list. You expressed my sentiments exactly with that one. Just sad.
And I thought the Chinese Olympics stunt was pretty sad too.
Thank you RAL, that was cathartic.
Whoa, you guys redesigned! I like it.
Also, Ross, thank you for this. Especially for #1. Thank you.