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It's no secret that 2008 has been a massive, epic failure of a year. With a couple of glaring exceptions, practically everything that could possible have gone wrong has gone miserably and completely wrong. It's almost as if the last 8 years was nothing more than a time release poison pill set to take effect at approximately... um, what time is it right now?
You name it and it probably sucked - why, so much lameness happened all at once and all over the year that when pausing to consider just how gruesome 2008 has been, one doesn't feel excitement or anticipation for the new year so much as relief that the current one is finally over and we weren't killed in the process. Think about 2008 too much and the risk of injury, mental and physical, is severe.
Fortunately, we at LAist are willing to take that risk, make that sacrifice and deliver to you, our loyal readers, the definitive guide to the dumbest, most cringeworthy, most infuriating nonsense that made 2008 the lame ass crap year that it was. So eat your black eyed peas, count off your resolutions, drink a toast guzzle an entire bottle of booze to the new (and hopefully better) year, and then enjoy this belated holiday gift: The Top Ten Worst Things about the soon to be departed year 2008.
10) Sasha Fierce is... Idiotic.
Ever since David Bowie shocked fans (and the other members of his band) in 1973 by announcing that he was ending the Ziggy Stardust persona, musicians in all genres have responded to periods of creative dessication by "reinventing" themselves over and over again in hopes that by doing so, they can shake off the artistic lethargy that comes from having the ability to have sex with anything you want simply by glancing at it. The problem, as artists such as the terrible Garth Brooks learned, is that this only works if you actually are David Bowie1. Even the Beatles tried it on Sgt. Pepper's and lost interest 2 songs in.
The latest to try her hand at this awful tradition is Beyonce` Knowles2, who is only on her third solo album but is apparently already bored with herself. Join the club girl, join the club. She returned in 2008 with a new album centered around the creation of a ridiculous fake persona she calls "Sasha Fierce". Sasha, according to Mrs. Jay-Z, is the personality she becomes whenever she's onstage, a process most people would simply call "getting ready to perform", but not Beyonce, who apparently has an insatiable urge to anthropomorphize things on par with 14 year old boys who give their penises names like "moby"3.
You can make what you will of the album itself4, but no one can deny that adopting an obviously contrived alter ego, announcing it to the world as some kind of stroke of creative genius, and then backtracking by claiming "it's only for the stage" is kind of weak. The fact that Beyonce` actually used the word "Alter Ego" to describe the character only adds to the awesome insufferableness. But the worst is the fact that the entire entertainment press just went along with it like it isn't even stupid, with publications as snarky as EW writing, with a straight face, that Sasha is "the singer's sensual, aggressive alter ego". Wait, so Beyonce is normally a demur, celibate wallflower? Puh. Leeze.
In 2009, here's hoping Sasha goes all Tyler Durden on Beyonce and spares the rest of us from another stupid record.
FOOTNOTES:
1) And to a lesser extent artistically but a greater extent commercially, Madonna.
2) I will never refer to her as "Beyonce. She hasn't earned the one-name trademark.
3) as in "dick". Zing!
4) it's crap.
5) apologies to an old Family Guy episode for stealing that joke structure.
6) W/U to Molly7
7) W/U = word up, the much better version of H/T, or "hat tip".
8) Now That's What Call Cock Rock?
9) But seriously, China, could you try to be a less scary version of America's Ghost of Christmas' Future?
10) Confidential to Yang Peiyi: This crap still happens here too. However, you should watch Singin' in the Rain to be reassured that cheaters don't get to marry Gene Kelly. They're punished instead by marrying Pete Wentz. See also footnote 6.
11) Imagine what would have happened if he was obsessed with Michael J's other film from 1985. Would he be McFly White?
12) Not "that one".
13) Yes people, it was an affectation, like Dubya's cowboy hat. She doesn't really talk like that.
14) I lost a bet over Bristol's pregnancy. Look for my youtube video, as stipulated by the terms of the bet, in the next week or so.
15) Fuck prop 8. If you voted for it, fuck you too.
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Another fine series Ross.
I have a two questions for you. Why is "Sasha Fierce" doing a dance move that failed to inspire when the Back Street Boys did it after stealing the move from Popeye the Sailor? Maybe being able to answer that question will get you off of the misfired bet.
What was the bet?
When the hilarity about Governor Palin first begain to emerge, particularly her husband's ties to the AIP, and the many rumors about the alleged maternity of trig, I bet a friend of mine that she would end up dropping out of the campaign. This was a tongue in cheek bet since people such as her have no shame but it seemed a fair one, given the sheer number of issues surrounding her. The loser of the bet was required to post a video praising the winner, to youtube.
Then, in mid october, we doubled down - now the bet, one I was convinced I would win, was that Britol would have a "tragic" miscarriage, or that some other reason would present itself for why the baby wouldn't be born - the reason, of course, if that there were lots of delicious rumors that the Bristol pregnancy was basically a lie to cover up the alleged Trip maternity.
Yes, yes, I know it's a *unlikely* rumor, but even so, I love a gossipy bet. All in good fun at the expense of others, and so forth. Anyway, with Bristol's recent delivery, I lost, so I have to post two vids praising my friend. Sigh.
I would like to add an update to my list. Had I read this before publishing, I would have added it as a honorable mention:
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2008/12/gonzo_im_a_casualty_of_the_war.php
Alberto Gonzalez yesterday referred to himself as "a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror." This because, thanks to his idiocy and basic lack of humanity, he cannot find a job. No law firm will touch him.
You mean Alberto, if the president does it, it's not a crime, Gonzalez. Yes, I remember that guy. I think he set some sort of "I do not recall" record in front of Congress.
a tour de force
I am so glad "Sasha Fierce" made your list. You expressed my sentiments exactly with that one. Just sad.
And I thought the Chinese Olympics stunt was pretty sad too.
Thank you RAL, that was cathartic.
Whoa, you guys redesigned! I like it.
Also, Ross, thank you for this. Especially for #1. Thank you.