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October 12, 2008
Why My Father Hated LA: A Love Story
Traffic in Upstate New York. Also, my parents' favorite restaurant. ALSO, Amish people think getting their picture taken is a sin. Whoops.
When you live in Los Angeles for too long, your mind starts getting clogged with the smoggy air and fake conversations that surround you, and you lose the ability to make reasonable assertions about the rest of America. I've been here for a year and I'm already forgetting the small stuff. Is Wichita a city or something I ate downtown on a dare? Probably both. Or neither. See, I don't know anymore!
And if you're from California to begin with, may God help you. I bet if you had to draw a map of the United States it would just be the great Golden State with a pair of sunglasses on it, a little bubble for New York City with a skull & crossbones and question mark next to it, and the rest is vaguely defined with large white crosses and guns that shoot cowboy hats at you.
The truth is, most of America is comprised of hard-working folk who have to do manual labor to survive. I didn't move to LA because I wanted to give handjobs for promotions at Fox Studios, I came because I was lazy. I know what a cord of wood or an unplowed acre looks like: work. And I'll be damned if I'm going to take any job that means I can't wear my Chuck Taylors. However, my father doesn't believe in Chuck Taylors. He believes in Red Wing boots and Wranglers and facial hair in an unironic way. I don't know if he believes in God, but I bet if he did he would think God was lazy too. He also believes that Los Angeles is the worst place in America to live.
A little background: my father lives in upstate New York. Not Catskill upstate, where people have million dollar cottages next to streams and Starbucks. My father lives 20 miles south of the Canadian border at the TOP of America. The town he lives in measures 400 families, with a median income of $18,000. They got a Starbucks last year and it closed BECAUSE NO ONE WENT TO IT. In upstate New York, you get 8 feet of snow for nine months a year and you buy your Folgers in a 40 gallon drum and have it hand-delivered by the Brawny Man. That's how it works.
So naturally, when my father arrived at LAX, he was confused by the multiple lanes of traffic and the electronic billboards. And when he showed up to my apartment in a rented PT Cruiser (I know, I know…he really decided to spoil himself on this trip), he was almost unintelligible. Sensory overload had forced him to get off the freeway two exits late and spend half an hour looking for La Brea by driving up and down Crenshaw. He told me he didn't know who Amber was but there were a lot of people looking for her, and some crazy asshole had tried to take his arm off with a motorcycle as he was sitting in the parking lot that is the 405. When I tried to explain that lane-splitting is legal, he got so confused I had to sit him down and give him one of my $7 Fiji waters.
Hard as she tried, the City of Angels held no charms for my skeptical father. We went to Venice, where he gave every bum he saw a dollar, until they formed into a pecking mob around him, like pigeons with bandanas. We tried the upper-crust Caffe Primo in West Hollywood where I pointed out Jessica Biel, but my father only cared that “foreign foods” (read: paninis) 'gave him gas'. This from a man who has had exactly one burrito in his life. We toured downtown, but the big buildings were confusing because it meant you couldn't see the horizon line. We even stumbled onto a film set off Figueroa, where my father got chided by a 30-pound teenager in a headset for trying to see if the leading man was Charles Bronson. Yes, my father still thinks Charles Bronson is a working actor.
My father hated Los Angeles in ways that don't even make sense. He said the Hollywood sign was too small, and and he confused more than one Charlie Chaplain look-a-like for Hitler. He said there weren't enough pools. I tried to take him to Pink's but he said the "last thing he needed was a titty bar." He flatly refused to support Dodgers of any kind, especially draft, and at one point I caught him looking for Reba McEntire’s star on the walk of fame.
It’s not that my father is a curmudgeonly old farmer; far from it. He has absolutely no problem driving the hour-plus to Syracuse, NY to check out the Barnes and Noble at the mall. He enjoys an upscale J.C. Penny as much as the next folk. And maybe it’s my fault, for flying the coop and heading to the biggest hen farm on the west coast. It’s a different life in upstate New York; my father’s neighbors are a corn field and a cemetery. Here, my neighbors include: someone with a television that only gets CourtTV, a dog that’s routinely beaten with what sounds like a harpsichord, and a smell that may actually be someone’s dead carcass. I thought my father would at least respect that similarity with his own house, but no.
Three days later my father left, knowing nothing of the Los Angeles I have come to love. We did not taste of the heavenly Book Soup, we abstained from the greasy taco trucks that serve our fine city, and we did not tackle the PCH in the PT Cruiser. But that’s OK with me. I’m beginning to think like the rest of California, and maybe it’s better that way. Maybe the all-encompassing and insular nature of the great left coast, and of this amazing city, really should be left to the professionals. I think next time my father wants to visit, I’ll meet him halfway. I hear Oklahoma City just got a basketball team AND electricity.
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this is a great, hilarious story! thank you!
where are you from in upstate NY? my dad's family is from Tully....
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Fantastic writing Farley! Great way to start my Sunday morning.
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Great story Farley. I wish you had made a documentary of your father's visit. I'd love to see his face when you showed him the crazy long line you need to stand in at Pink's just to get a hot dog.
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"The truth is, most of America is comprised of hard-working folk who have to do manual labor to survive."
Actually, that's patently false. Sorry, but that hasn't been true since the 50s. The romantic idea of the American Farmer is a dream. We have far more white collar jobs than blue collar jobs in the US (by about 2:1). And you also haven't been to this place called the San Joaquin Valley, or the Sacramento Valley, or the Salinas Valley, because if you had you'd know that California has the largest agricultural industry in the US.
I get your point, and it's a funny article, but saying that California == LA, and that the rest of the US is somehow more "real" is just as ignorant as people who think the entire midsection of the country is comprised solely of fly-over states.
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Kin,
I get your point and I completely agree. I have been fortunate enough to see a lot of California and the amount of agriculture truly is staggering. And you're absolutely right concerning the amount of white collar workers in America today. My father, in fact, is a dying breed. But turning up the notch of absurdity for an article like this (to me) make it oh-so-much better.
Thank you for the fact checking, especially concerning a state that I have come to love so much.
Biffles,
I'm from just south of Watertown, and I am quite familiar with Tully, even though it's about an hour and a half south. Basically, Look for Canada and then get lost for ten minutes. That's my house.
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Fun story, but I hope you realize that there's so much more to LA than the stereotypes. I have found that there are just as many people here who work hard, read books and aren't obsessed with how they look as there are in any other part of the country. I think we find what we're looking for sometimes, and if you're looking for the stereotypes, you'll find them. Personally, I'm not: I moved here for the weather and to follow (non-entertainment!) work opportunities. I hope that if you want more to LA than what you describe, you'll seek it out. I'm sure you'll find it. And then you can show it to your father, if he ever dares return!!
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Your dad probably thought he was in Mexico.
Fantastic story, gives great perspective on cultural differences.
I was born and raised in LA, but I decided to go to school in Oregon. Eventually, you gotta leave that place for a while; let it grow without you.
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Essays that portray California and/or the "flyover states" as a collection of comic exaggerations, disdainful stereotypes, and outworn clichés can be sold for real money to publications catering to New Yorkers.
Out here, they'll just mark you as yet another tiresome, self-absorbed, recently-arrived showbiz wannabe, too busy admiring the sound of your own voice to bother opening your eyes and seeing what's really here.
---
PS: The Amish don't think that getting their picture taken is a sin, either.
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Kchristie / MapNerd,
I think the highly satirical point I was attempting to get across is that often times people outside of LA don't appreciate the city we live in, and that the people who've been in LA for too long don't understand how the rest of America can be at times. Like I said, I really do love Los Angeles and I actively seek out the interesting underbelly that comes with trying to make an honest living in a city that can otherwise be so dishonest. I tried, at least, to keep a fair balance between using hyperbole on both sides of the fence, to showcase those stereotypes that people use to describe LA and to describe the country life. Often neither are true, but they have elements of truth to them, and by recognizing how absurd they can tend to be we can all move forward. Again, very satirical; but I sincerely hope I didn't come across as an overdosed windbag outsider who just wants to reinforce the fake reality placed on LA by others. It's the city I moved across the country for, I have nothing but honest praise for it.
And as for the Amish, those people are WACKY! Ha ha, no they don't really believe it's a sin, but they honestly don't like it very much. I've lived next to them my whole life. Good people.
Thanks for the feedback.
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I do everything I can to avoid the "fake conversations". Every day I have an amazing moment that reminds me why I love living in LA.
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It's just rude to take pictures of Amish. They aren't carnival freaks or the dressed up weird-o's in front of the Chinese Theater.
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But then you go on to say "Like I said, I really do love Los Angeles and I actively seek out the interesting underbelly that comes with trying to make an honest living in a city that can otherwise be so dishonest."
Dishonest? This is more of the same, a consistent narrative of Los Angeles as some corrupt fantasy. Guess what: outside of Hollywoood's bubble, Los Angeles is a city of the working class. Millions of them. They are not fake, they are not shallow, and they have more in common with your father then you think. You are coming across as a star struck hick.
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"My father hated Los Angeles in ways that don't even make sense."
Very funny article.
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No. You come across more as a novice "slice of life" essayist than a star struck hick. And that's OK. I think this is a blandly pleasant piece with good intentions that got a little garbaged up with exaggeration, but hey, this is dishonest L.A. Right? At any rate, I applaud putting this out there. It's a chord-striker.
Speaking as an Angeleno who has hosted a couple of my midwestern tourist relatives on their first trip to L.A., I really think it's not that WE are unaware of the rest of the country. I think it's how unaware of L.A. the rest of the country is. So many people have such a pre-conceived, contrived idea about what this city is like. My relatives, who aren't stupid, really and honestly believed they would see car chases and movie stars every day.
So to me, the points you make in this essay conflict with one another. You characterize your dad as representing how unaware tourists are about the "true" greatness of our city, yet you keep saying it's WE who are unaware of the rest of the country. The opposite couldn't be more true. But thanks for the piece. Great stuff.
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BBP - I agree with you, but I also agree that Los Angeles has a way of taking the home out of someone. But I think that's more a product of living in such a metropolitan city and less a distinct characteristic of Los Angeles. Could it not be said that New Yorker's lose track of the rest of the country if they've been on that island for far too long without leaving?
I've lived in differing polar ends of the country and the heart of it. Each city and state and county has it's own character and their own way of doing things and getting through life. Los Angeles is different than San Diego, is different from San Francisco, and even different from Upstate New York (even the super-liberal parts in Ithaca ;) ). It's a matter of appreciating the culture of the people that make the place home.
We're talking about how each place is different from each other, and probably talking about why we're soooo different. Well yeah, we are different. Each environment demands separate and strange things from the people that call it home. Let's celebrate our difference, because it's what makes this country so great! That despite our differences of opinion, of status, race, gender, whatever, we're all AMERICAN.
We still have that unity.
Not many other countries host as much variety as we do.
Let's celebrate it, and I think that's what this essay does. Celebrates our differences and acknowledges that some people are more comfortable in places like Los Angeles and others just want the comforts of lake-effect snow.
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Very very funny. Thanks Farley. Humor like this is much appreciated.
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I enjoyed this a ton. Clearly satirical, though I agree the writer is still finding his style.
Also, come on people. You could cut the earnest, indignant self-consciousness in the comments with a knife. Hilarious how defensive some folk are about this city. Yes, the writer is using stereotypes--which, in this case, are at least partially grounded in truth. I think it's pretty clear the author is playing on the perceptions of LA and the hard-working heartland; I didn't read this and think the simplified experiences and caricatures really reflect the author's viewpoint. The reader can go ahead and anguish over his/her experience as a more 'real' inhabitant in LA, but... uh, who cares? Flaming about it just seems to play further into the stereotype. What's "un-LA" about blathering for validation?
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I thought it was very funny, and if it is a bit "novice", Farley, at least, seems to be experienced at writing in his own voice. I think it's a good voice. The point that his father or LA or the Amish are so much more than can be stated in a simple article, especially one that seeks to be humorous above all else, seems to me to be understood by most of us, Farley included.
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You nailed it, Jimmy. I've lived in SoCal my whole life, the last ten years in LA. I found it funny, but maybe I'm just a jackass. Anywho, it's a nice Sunday post. Keep writing, Farley, and don't listen to the "fact checkers". I hope they all feel better about themselves now.
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Honestly probably the best article ive read on LAist. Im definitely starting to follow every article you write, Farley.
Also, I can't believe anyone is actually fact checking, or writing serious critiques about a plainly satirical article. Please re-read the last line to yourself 10 times before you try to post a very 'serious business' reply to this article.
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"My relatives, who aren't stupid, really and honestly believed they would see car chases and movie stars every day."
What IS weird is how many movie stars and car chases I really DO see. And how many times I have barely missed getting in car accidents with stars (Five. Three just with Jay Leno. He makes sudden U-Turns).
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Good post Farley!
Keep 'em coming!
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i cannot believe you are having to defend this silly, fun article. you are NOT "shopping it to the wrong market." i'm from oklahoma, been in LA seven years, and it made me smile. keep writing.
kudos to icmags for the phrase "taking the home out of someone." so true.
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Brilliant. Keep it coming.
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The only thing I'd add to this most excellent article is about how LA is so crowded that you can't even masturbate alone.
That was my biggest observation when I first came here.
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This was an enjoyable read.
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Just to add to the praise - very nicely done!
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I thought this was funny, as it was intended to be taken I'm sure. :)
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ok ok I thought this was well written and funny, I got the satire, etc. etc. But I just have to come in here as a "fact checker" because I'm positive that most of you aren't aware that LA is in fact the biggest industrial city in America. As in blue-collar making shit stuff. I'm sorry I have to come off like a self-important ass, but if people don't point out stuff like this, the "element of truth" people believe exists in the stereotypes stays horribly skewed.
Also, for how much I enjoyed a few lines in here (shooting cowboy hats and the skull with question mark stand out), I will be totally happy once articles like this can no longer be written without sounding ridiculously outdated to everyone.
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Wow, some people are harsh and defensive.
Great article...funny, yet close to the bone.
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I think the reason I (and others) get so defensive is because we see many of our fellow angelenos believing the stereotypes and then voting or making other decisions based on them. The amount of misinformation residents have of this city is shocking, and it contributes to very real problems like limited public transit and affordable housing.