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May 13, 2008
How the Citizens of LA Can Survive the Apocalypse
Earthquakes in China, cyclones in Burma, "The Hills" season finale - these are the end days my friends.
Quadruple Emmy winner Rob Kutner has written for "Dennis Miller Live", "The Daily Show", contributed to America (the Book), and has now issued a compendium of advice, Apocalypse How: Turn the End-Times into the Best of Times!, for how to survive and succeed in the impending apocalypse. An animated overview is on YouTube.
Several scenarios of doom are explored (death by newly sentient iPods??!) as well as survival methods covering everything from food and shelter to the new paradigms of post-apocalyptic dating. Some specific tips for readers of LAist from Kutner (himself an exiled Angeleno) include:
1. Angelenos are already well-prepared for almost any apocalyptic scenario, thanks to "24." But just to be safe, they should steer clear of Kiefer Sutherland. Actually, that's just good advice in general.
2. Angelenos should have an escape plan to get on the other side of Beverly Hills from whatever disaster occurs, as the blast rays will be reflected off the agents' suits and absorbed by the women's "breasts."
3. Stock up on everything Trader Joe's sells now, as that will be the primary currency after the apocalypse. Yes, we don't know what Chocolate Wasabi Jicama Sticks are either, but they could buy your family a lot of petrol.
Kutner will be signing Apocalypse How tonight at Book Soup in West Hollywood at 7:00pm.
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Wow. If those three points are some of the best this book has to offer, I will find better humour on Showtime at the Apollo at 2AM.
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Just in case no one has read this fake news story that circulated a couple of years ago...
The Rapture
ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sun roof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye witnesses.
Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman who was apparently convinced that the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she claimed was Jesus.
"She started screaming "He's back, He's back" and climbed right out of the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene.
"I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. "She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.
"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said
Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and discovered that he was dressed up as Jesus and was on his way to a toga costume party when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow up sex dolls filled with helium which floated up into the air.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration, and said "Come back here," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into the sky as they passed by him, according to her husband, who says his wife loved Jesus more than anything else.
When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."
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awesome, we have a Katt Williams fan in the house, thanks PinLA!