Irksome and Insufferable: The Ten Most Annoying Singers
Last week, the attention of LAist's family of contributors was directed to Yahoo Music blog List of the Day, and an entry called The Ten Most Annoying Singers. Now normally, we love lists like this. Not only do we get to vent our seething jealousy of the success of idiots, but much needed schadenfreude washes over us like an embittered baptism.
Now, no disrespect to Rob O'Connor (who frankly has a job we'd love), but this particular list is crap. Not his fault mind you - lists like this are problematic because there's a tendency to fill 'em with easy targets. Inoffensive has-beens (Celine Dion, Michael Bolton), played out references (Scott Stapp, Bright Eyes), or dodgy WTFs that seem awfully calculated to avoid insulting someone with greater popularity (Lily Allen? Really? I'm sure cough*Amy Winehouse*cough there's someone more annoying. Right.) But even though there's justification, the list could have been far more accurate. Well, knowing, as they say, is half the battle and LAist, being fully knowledgeable about how NOT to go about insulting famous strangers, cannot let this pass.
Here then, based on sturdy, scientific calculations, is our List of the Ten Most Annoying Singers. Enjoy, and if curious, read on to learn how we arrived at our decisions...
1) Amy Winehouse Her laconic, detached singing style is technically brilliant, but so lifeless even Paris Hilton’s boring sex tape is engaging by comparison. And it also covers up her ridiculous, barely comprehensible cockney accent (despite the fact that she comes from a well-to-do, upper middle class family, which makes her the musical equivalent of Larry the Cable Guy.) Her now several album’s worth of Motown Karaoke, taken as a whole, is the least competent understanding of irony since Alanis Morrissette (hint to Amy: There’s a difference between irony and TMI.). And don’t forget, this genius idiotically smoked crack in front of a camera, which enabled (pun intended) lazy journalists worldwide to pretend they were the first to jokingly quote the lyrics to “Rehab” in a headline, thus fostering the Syphilitic spread of meta-ironic entertainment journalism.
Worst of all: She surrendered the bouffant hairstyle to assholes for at least a decade.
So how did we reach our decisions?
Well, determining who makes the cut, and who doesn’t, is the most important part of the process. To make certain that this list of the most annoying singers was as accurate as possible, and to eliminate easy targets, I decided that to qualify, a contending singer had to meet at least two of the following 7 annoyance criteria, each named after the annoying, insufferable assholes who inspired the rule:
1) The Whitney& Bobby: Too much money, long past prime, self indulgent asshole.
2) The Prince: Hugely influential yet somehow completely insufferable.
3) The Lennon: Magically rendered immune to criticism because of political views, no matter how lame music is.
4) The Strokes: Recipient of massive acclaim who acts like a total douche-bag.
5) The Mariah: Obvious Studio Creation who appeared seemingly out of nowhere, became instantly ubiquitous, and is a fucking idiot.
6) The Elvis: Has absolutely no self control, is a sociopath, and yet somehow garners underserved sympathy as body slowly begins to resemble soul.
7) The Vanilli Ice: Entire image/back-story/talent is a fraud, and they’re still a dick about it.
This list not only eliminates lazy targets like Michael Bolton, but also protects the fragile ecosystem of smaller artists who, while certainly annoying, are only just beginning to realize their annoyance potential. This ensures that such annoyance will grow as nature intended, without artificial fertilization, and without being over-harvested, ensuring that future generations will be just as annoyed as we are.
Photo Credits: Amy Winehouse (mikeakelly), Akon (AP Photo/Tracy Brand), Axel Rose (polline), Ryan Adams (6tee-zeven), Pete Wentz/Ashlee Simpson (angela n.), Fergie (orensanz), Morrisey (vivahate), Mickey Avalon (Oscalito), Sia (decor8), Obama Girl (Via Obama Girl's MySpace)