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April 29, 2008
Irksome and Insufferable: The Ten Most Annoying Singers
Last week, the attention of LAist's family of contributors was directed to Yahoo Music blog List of the Day, and an entry called The Ten Most Annoying Singers. Now normally, we love lists like this. Not only do we get to vent our seething jealousy of the success of idiots, but much needed schadenfreude washes over us like an embittered baptism.
Now, no disrespect to Rob O'Connor (who frankly has a job we'd love), but this particular list is crap. Not his fault mind you - lists like this are problematic because there's a tendency to fill 'em with easy targets. Inoffensive has-beens (Celine Dion, Michael Bolton), played out references (Scott Stapp, Bright Eyes), or dodgy WTFs that seem awfully calculated to avoid insulting someone with greater popularity (Lily Allen? Really? I'm sure cough*Amy Winehouse*cough there's someone more annoying. Right.) But even though there's justification, the list could have been far more accurate. Well, knowing, as they say, is half the battle and LAist, being fully knowledgeable about how NOT to go about insulting famous strangers, cannot let this pass.
Here then, based on sturdy, scientific calculations, is our List of the Ten Most Annoying Singers. Enjoy, and if curious, read on to learn how we arrived at our decisions...
1) Amy Winehouse Her laconic, detached singing style is technically brilliant, but so lifeless even Paris Hilton’s boring sex tape is engaging by comparison. And it also covers up her ridiculous, barely comprehensible cockney accent (despite the fact that she comes from a well-to-do, upper middle class family, which makes her the musical equivalent of Larry the Cable Guy.) Her now several album’s worth of Motown Karaoke, taken as a whole, is the least competent understanding of irony since Alanis Morrissette (hint to Amy: There’s a difference between irony and TMI.). And don’t forget, this genius idiotically smoked crack in front of a camera, which enabled (pun intended) lazy journalists worldwide to pretend they were the first to jokingly quote the lyrics to “Rehab” in a headline, thus fostering the Syphilitic spread of meta-ironic entertainment journalism.
Worst of all: She surrendered the bouffant hairstyle to assholes for at least a decade.
So how did we reach our decisions?
Well, determining who makes the cut, and who doesn’t, is the most important part of the process. To make certain that this list of the most annoying singers was as accurate as possible, and to eliminate easy targets, I decided that to qualify, a contending singer had to meet at least two of the following 7 annoyance criteria, each named after the annoying, insufferable assholes who inspired the rule:
1) The Whitney& Bobby: Too much money, long past prime, self indulgent asshole.
2) The Prince: Hugely influential yet somehow completely insufferable.
3) The Lennon: Magically rendered immune to criticism because of political views, no matter how lame music is.
4) The Strokes: Recipient of massive acclaim who acts like a total douche-bag.
5) The Mariah: Obvious Studio Creation who appeared seemingly out of nowhere, became instantly ubiquitous, and is a fucking idiot.
6) The Elvis: Has absolutely no self control, is a sociopath, and yet somehow garners underserved sympathy as body slowly begins to resemble soul.
7) The Vanilli Ice: Entire image/back-story/talent is a fraud, and they’re still a dick about it.
This list not only eliminates lazy targets like Michael Bolton, but also protects the fragile ecosystem of smaller artists who, while certainly annoying, are only just beginning to realize their annoyance potential. This ensures that such annoyance will grow as nature intended, without artificial fertilization, and without being over-harvested, ensuring that future generations will be just as annoyed as we are.
Photo Credits: Amy Winehouse (mikeakelly), Akon (AP Photo/Tracy Brand), Axel Rose (polline), Ryan Adams (6tee-zeven), Pete Wentz/Ashlee Simpson (angela n.), Fergie (orensanz), Morrisey (vivahate), Mickey Avalon (Oscalito), Sia (decor8), Obama Girl (Via Obama Girl's MySpace)
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Wow, I thought I was the only one who disliked Morrissey!
Doesn't he sound like an inebriated, English, Kermit-the-Frog?
K, here's the thing, Ross A. Lincoln: if I were not already married, I would want to marry you.
Seriously.
I, like Fergie-ferg, nearly peed my pants reading this. Nearly
Okay mister "Ross Lincoln," if that is indeed your "name," this time you have GONE TOO FAR.
Ryan Adams cannot help but be a prolific and excellently-biceped young man who has every right to be anti-Bryan-Adams. Have you ever put out three albums in one year? Have you ever dated Jessica Joffe? Have you ever written a blog that was for a brief shining moment the best (albeit inadvertently) thing Tumblr was ever responsible for? HMMMMM????
Come on, Lincoln, man up and admit that YOU are in fact the irksome and insufferable party here.
The only person who sucks more than Ryan Adams are people who want to have sex with him. Look, you're either part of the solution, or you're helping him spread fever blisters.
If you're a baroque artist, I must be Wagner.
Great read!
Whoa! What the hell is wrong with John Lennon??!! He made some amazing solo albums. Come onnnn- Jealous Guy, Working Class Hero?
ARE YOU SAYING I SUCK???
That's it, throwdown time, why don't you tell the people about how you misspelled Axl Rose multiple times until I went in and fixed it?? "Axel"??? Sorry, my friend, he ain't a figure-skating move, he's a ROCK STAR. More than I can say for your sorry ass.
Beautifully written! It's kinda fun to be a hater, as long as you're not a total strident asshole while doing it. C'mon, we've all got our hater lists, don't we?
Why is Thom York not at the top of that list. That little whiney mutherfucker needs his nuts kicked in just so he can get to male octave.
YOu're just lucky I didn't your Birth Certificate Carrie, because your name is spelled wrongly. It's actually:
D-i-r-t-o-f-f-m-y-s-h-o-u-l-d-e-r.
Thank, Gatsby!
You wanted to avoid easy targets and you started your list with Amy Winehouse? Jeez, why not just throw in Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson while you're at it?
Amy Winehouse is a critical darling who routinely recieves fawning praise and is worshipped both here and abroad. Sure, people make fun of her drug use but no one thinks she sucks musically. Except for me. Nothing annoys me more than when someone who is onlu "okay" is treated like a genius.
For info regarding Jessica Simpson, see #5
First of all, how is Nelly McKay not on this list? Her voice is annoying, her songwriting precious and trite, and her presence grating.
Secondly, I hardly see why Parker Posey, Lucinda Williams and countless other women you can't have Ross are put down. Ryan Adams's quality and quantity output falls in an elite league that few other singer/songwriters can dream to enter.
hey ross! it's futureperfect again. i just wanted to let you know that your writing reminds me of grown man rubbing a penis that resembles an engorged clitoris. then again, your penis may just be completely inverted, in which case, all apologies.
ps - you top my list for most irksome and insufferable blogger ever! keep up the good work.
geez. How is Thom Yorke not on this list?!?
BONO
Whaaattt?? Why is Ryan Adams on this list? He should not even be remotely near this list. I mean, sure he tends to overshare on his blog, but he's a terrific singer, a prolific songwriter, and a very nice guy.
Uh oh. I mis-read the memo. We're supposed to NOT go around insulting famous strangers?
Ross A Lincoln. I fucking love you, "axel" typo or no. In the pantheon of Best Posts Ever. This is the Best Best Post Ever.
Thank you for acknowledging Sia's suckiness, as few others dare do so. In doing so, you've pissed off most of Venice/ Santa Monicas's neuvo riche hipster demographic, and will certainly be beaten should you dare set foot in a whole foods or wine bar in the near future.
Her music sounds like it belongs in a commercial for high end faucets, upscale day spas, or Saabs.
There are lonely men all over Los Angeles currently buying up the country's supply of pink Legos.
I sell upscale faucets out of the back of my Saab.
that sia/profound/masturbation/baroque art comment was f'ing amazing. yes.
Great post, Ross. You're in fine form.
Thanks so much for calling out Sia. For years I have been wondering wtf kind of crack Nic Harcourt & Co. are on at KCRW, promoting the shit out of her and making her the (apparently west-side saab set) darling she is today. Apart from the vocals she did on the first Zero 7 album, she's earned her place in your pantheon of suck.
They all annoyed me before they got big. Now there are 10 more annoying singers you haven't heard of yet because they're so indie. Those are the singers that annoy me now.
dude, how bout josh groban im so cool coz i sing opera?
Oh Elise, don't worry - what I mean is that we no the proper way to go about insulting them.
The post. The comments. All entertaining. Thanks Ross!! I have some more nominations. Maybe a top 100 list?
We should do an all time MVPs of annoying. Because Bing Crosby is in my crosshairs.
I'm so glad Amy Winehouse made number 1, Ross. The first time I heard rehab I felt like my face would melt like at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark. It baffles me that she is so adored.
On a separate note, I believe in Chinese Democracy. It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
Amy Winehouse makes me wish I was deaf.
Nikki wins.
Pretty damn funny, Ross. I thought there was gonna be a fight when I saw Morrissey, but then you went with his personality and not his singing, so it's all okay now. ;)
Nah, I'd never insult the Mozzer's musical talents. But man, I know I'd probably be able to tolerate him for about 30 seconds before he kicked me out of his house for having Army of the Pharoahs in my record collection.
"Nothing annoys me more than when someone who is onlu "okay" is treated like a genius."
ITA Ross. I called her, " way over rated ", on another blog, and had someone pounce on me and compare her to Billie Holliday.
If Winehouse survives another 25-30 years, she MIGHT attain the depth and gain the talent Billie Holliday had.
wtf.....how can anyone compare Winehouse to Holliday.....what is this world coming to?
its like comparing George Bush to Ghandi.
Billie Holliday would smoke, drink, fight and fuck Amy Winehouse under the table.
good gawd! you have excluded JAMES BLUNT, the most insipid, torturous, grating, excrable bastard to offend my sense of hearing in years.
someday, some kid will shoot up his school with that "you're beautiful" song playing in the background like his theme song. and wise people will nod their heads, saying, "see? it's just not right!"
i cannot believe that yodeling turd was passed up for this list.
perhaps a top ten is not enough.
~~~gogo