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Oh, boy. Where do I start? Remember Jack Spade? Dating and even hooking up with him was great until he abruptly stopped hanging out with me. HE SAYS it’s because of his hectic and demanding work schedule. I SAY it’s because of his premature ejaculation problem.
For our first date, Jack took me to a romantic, little restaurant on Hollywood Blvd. We had a delicious dinner, flavorful wine and a wonderful conversation. Despite our very different backgrounds, we had the same interests and approach to life. Most of all, we really got along. After our meal, the two of us went back to my place where we cuddled and made-out on the couch. Oh, and he went down on me, but I didn’t touch his wiener, even though I wanted to. Gotta hold out the first date, right? Right. Anyway, Jack ended up spooning me into the morning until he woke me up with a kiss and said, “I had such a good time. I’ll talk to you later.”
In the days after that, we emailed back and forth quite a bit and Jack asked me to be his valentine. For date two, he took me out for a Valentine’s Day dinner. Once again, everything felt right and I was having such a good time being with him. After dinner, we walked to a neighborhood bar and heavily made-out in a corner while listening to T.Rex. How perfect! There was so much electricity and I began to feel as though this was the beginning of something great. Following drinks, we went to my apartment again and fooled around in the sheets. As things progressed, I finally resigned myself to the horniness and wrapped my hand around his dick.
Within three seconds, he came on my thigh. What...the...fuck?!
“Oh, I’m sorry I just haven’t been with…I swear this never happens.”
In all sensitivity I said, “Uhhh, I hope this isn’t a reoccurring problem because I need it a lot and multiple times.”
“No…it isn’t.”
After that things weren’t the same. I didn’t hear from Jack for a couple of days, so I emailed him to see if we were still on for dinner later on in the week. Jack said that he was too busy with work, feeling sick and couldn’t hang out. He also said that he was scheduled to be out of town the week after that, so we wouldn’t be able to hang out then either.
Okay, we all have busy schedules, but if you like someone, then you make the time to see them, NO MATTER WHAT. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was that busy. Two weeks later, I emailed Jack saying hello and suggested we get drinks. Once more, Jack declined and said that because of his work schedule, he couldn’t provide me with the time he thought I deserved. Total bullshit, of course.
Well, maybe he didn't really like me? No, I know he did. He shook every time I touched him. Whenever I put my head on his body, I could hear his heart about to come out of his chest. Jack told me a couple times, "You really are wonderful. I can't believe I'm with you." He liked me a lot, but the truth is things went sour when he couldn't perform. I wish he could get the fuck over it and try again, but it seems I won't have the chance to find out.
I was so pissed and sad, so as a means to replace one dick with another, I hooked up with a Berkeley grad student. Berkeley was cute, but didn’t interest me at all. In truth, I only got down with him because I was horny and honestly, thought about someone else the whole time. So bad, I know.
Here I am today, confused, lonely and without the dick that I love to hate. Why can’t I get a break in my dating life? Why can’t I meet men with normal, functioning wieners? You can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, can't you get even just a little?
Top photo by Bisbi, bottom photo by booleansplit, both via Flickr
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If that was indeed your reaction to his prejaculation, since you apparently recognize what you said was markedly insensitive I can only hope you also realize you probably terrified the quick shooter away.
You won't catch a break dating if you make snide comments about guy's junk. I wouldn't date someone who essentially told me I was inadequate and broken either. The wang is a strange thing and often malfunctions when the guy actually *likes* the gal he's boning and is thus more nervous. First time sex is usually awkward anyway because you don't know each other's bodies. If the chemistry is there, go for a second round. If it gets better, proceed. If it still sucks, abort mission. That's my rule up until now and it's landed me an amazing boyfriend.
~P
ps. I agree with the comment above. This guy is likely scared shitless to get his dick near you now.
geeze April, if you're using real names and posting all this on a public forum, I'd say you'll be lucky if you ever get laid again.
@jrb If you follow the link to the previous article you'll see that the name Jack Spade was a code name she made up so that she wouldn't use this mans real name in the article. At least I hope so. :)
What's done is done, hopefully she learned something from it. Maybe next time just play it off like it's not an issue and try again. Give the guy another shot. Who knows, maybe he hasn't had his dick touched in three years and it was like Mount Vesuvius waiting to erupt.
Since it seems like she really liked this guy, she may want to salvage it. In that case, the best situation is to just be honest. "I'm sorry, I was shocked and didn't mean to say what I said. I like you and I'd really like to give this another shot"
Of course he may be far too scared to try again. I've learned that bruising a mans ego is the best way to make him go limp. And who wants that?
Go easy on April peeps. I had an identical experience with someone and guess who's ego was likely more bruised? That's right, not HIS.
Someone who runs at the first sign of distress without meaningful communication is NOT worth the broken heart and ego over dashed hopes. But man did that rejection sting. What I really value in someone is the ability to admit mistakes and move forward. Especially if the (mistake) involves involuntary spewage- how is that the end of the world to a male? It would seem the real damage happens to the girl who gets dumped by the old cut/run routine...
Anyway, good luck April. You'll find Mr. RightNow.
"Give the guy another shot."
Heh!
Someone get this girl a Blogger account, stat! I never understood why this crap was being posted on laist.com and not a personal blog. Can one of the editors give a logical justification for it?
Reason: sex seturday.
As usual, I am entertained with a peek into the well-written private lives of others. I think that this, and most of April's other pieces, open up a dialog for some very confusing areas of dating and sex. I'm not sure that I would have been able to come up with a more sensitive comment at that very moment either but everyone makes mistakes, and if nothing else, perhaps this piece can help others to refrain from making comments that may hurt the too fast ejaculator's sensitive soul.
this douche needs to be a man and get over it.....next!
Alright, I get it. Don't be such a bitch.
Don't blame yourself April.
You were willing to give the guy another chance. If this guy's ego is so fragile that he's not going to give you another chance because of a comment, then maybe you're better off if he doesn't call you again.
Here's some advice from an old fart who's been there, and from a male's perspective.
COMMUNICATION! If you ask any man what super powers they wish they had with women, 99.999% will say they wish they could read minds.
Secondly PATIENCE! Years ago, one woman I was with would get me so excited that I couldn't hold back. I'd explode immediately upon entry.
Not much fun for her, and embarrasing for me.
Next date it happened again, but a little patience, a bit more foreplay, and Mr. Happy came right back to life. The second time was better, and the third time was awesome!
We ended up staying together for 13 years.
True story.