April Smear and the No Bone Zone

For our first date, Jack took me to a romantic, little restaurant on Hollywood Blvd. We had a delicious dinner, flavorful wine and a wonderful conversation. Despite our very different backgrounds, we had the same interests and approach to life. Most of all, we really got along. After our meal, the two of us went back to my place where we cuddled and made-out on the couch. Oh, and he went down on me, but I didn’t touch his wiener, even though I wanted to. Gotta hold out the first date, right? Right. Anyway, Jack ended up spooning me into the morning until he woke me up with a kiss and said, “I had such a good time. I’ll talk to you later.”

In the days after that, we emailed back and forth quite a bit and Jack asked me to be his valentine. For date two, he took me out for a Valentine’s Day dinner. Once again, everything felt right and I was having such a good time being with him. After dinner, we walked to a neighborhood bar and heavily made-out in a corner while listening to T.Rex. How perfect! There was so much electricity and I began to feel as though this was the beginning of something great. Following drinks, we went to my apartment again and fooled around in the sheets. As things progressed, I finally resigned myself to the horniness and wrapped my hand around his dick.

Within three seconds, he came on my thigh. What...the...fuck?!

“Oh, I’m sorry I just haven’t been with…I swear this never happens.”

In all sensitivity I said, “Uhhh, I hope this isn’t a reoccurring problem because I need it a lot and multiple times.”

“No…it isn’t.”

After that things weren’t the same. I didn’t hear from Jack for a couple of days, so I emailed him to see if we were still on for dinner later on in the week. Jack said that he was too busy with work, feeling sick and couldn’t hang out. He also said that he was scheduled to be out of town the week after that, so we wouldn’t be able to hang out then either.

Okay, we all have busy schedules, but if you like someone, then you make the time to see them, NO MATTER WHAT. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was that busy. Two weeks later, I emailed Jack saying hello and suggested we get drinks. Once more, Jack declined and said that because of his work schedule, he couldn’t provide me with the time he thought I deserved. Total bullshit, of course.

Well, maybe he didn't really like me? No, I know he did. He shook every time I touched him. Whenever I put my head on his body, I could hear his heart about to come out of his chest. Jack told me a couple times, "You really are wonderful. I can't believe I'm with you." He liked me a lot, but the truth is things went sour when he couldn't perform. I wish he could get the fuck over it and try again, but it seems I won't have the chance to find out.

I was so pissed and sad, so as a means to replace one dick with another, I hooked up with a Berkeley grad student. Berkeley was cute, but didn’t interest me at all. In truth, I only got down with him because I was horny and honestly, thought about someone else the whole time. So bad, I know.

Here I am today, confused, lonely and without the dick that I love to hate. Why can’t I get a break in my dating life? Why can’t I meet men with normal, functioning wieners? You can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, can't you get even just a little?

Top photo by Bisbi, bottom photo by booleansplit, both via Flickr