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The rant starts off with a little resume building:
for the life of me, i can't seem to figure out what's going on here. i did all the things that i thought i was supposed to do to put myself in position to score ungodly amounts of hollywood poon. i got an undergrad degree in business from nyu. then i move to LA and complete the Peter Stark producing program at USC. while there i take full advantage of the networking and resume building connections that such an educational stint provides. i graduate and get a job with a major studio. i have a business card with my name on it. under my name is my job title."producer."
It's not just about the job title. A report released today by Council on Contemporary Families, co-authored by a professor at UC-Riverside says men who do housework may get more sex, but we digress:
so where are the legions of young starlets aching for me to tongue-fuck their puckered brown-eyes?
And if you get those starlets, keep this in mind: another report that came out this week that surveyed sex therapists "found they thought an "adequate" length for sexual intercourse was from three to seven minutes; "desirable" from seven to 13 minutes; "too short" from one to two minutes; and "too long" from 10 to 30 minutes." But once again, we digress, back to the funny action:
i mean, look, when i was 15 i read robert evans' autobiography, "the kid stays in the picture." there i was, short, mildly chubby, pimple-faced, cursed with a hideous jewfro, unable to get even a nut massage from the homeliest looking humans at horace mann in possession of vaginas, but i figured that if portly, profusely perspirating gasbags like don simpson can have bitches cat-fighting over who gets to blow the next rail off of his diseased cock, certainly i can get laid modestly well if i became a producer.
The SARS line below is the best, it's like he watched TV and expected scenarios to work the same in real life. HBO's Entourage is real, but not that real:
now i go out to parties and clubs and tell women that i'm a producer and they look at me as if i told them that i have fucking SARS! every night ends with me cruising pornotube at 3am in search of just the right clip to sufficiently inspire me to rub one out into a goldtoe nylon sock.WTF?!
Originally posted on Craigslist yesterday afternoon. Thanks to the reader who submitted it.
Photo by Lush.i.ous via Flickr
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Maybe because people don't give a shit if you're a producer! I think that angel is slightly tired by now. Maybe try, "Who me? Oh, I'm a class 3 yoga instructor."
maybe because right under "producer" on your business card it says "douchebag."
As often as some people choose to use Craigslist as a catharsis for what afflicts them, there are a fare share in this town who also use it to anonymously extoll their writing abilities.
Ya dig?
Yeah, there's no way this is real. Not that people don't actually think like this, but it is just too self-aware for someone to actually sit down and write it all out...
you actually need money to go along with the producer tag
Writing abilities -
Fare share - you mean, we split the cab bill?
No surprise here, and I would bet it's real. In the Hollywood singles scene, "producer" is code for "I haven't done anything with my life, but I want to sleep with you." Plain and simple.
"Producer" only works when they spend mommy and daddy's money on $16 drinks for some random girl with low self esteem.
If they had accomplished something in the biz, they would say details like, "I just got done producing Project Runway and now I'm developing a new series for NBC-Universal." Or if they don't want to be specific, they would avoid bragging about being a "producer" in the first place.
Maybe he's just ugly.
There is a New York based blogger called "Cajun Boy" who is notorious for posting outrageous ads and then publishing them with responses. This reads like his handywork if only for the all small case writing. Here's a couple of his gags that got some press coverage,
http://cajunboyinthecity.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-holiday-gift-to-you-fancy-being.html
http://cajunboyinthecity.blogspot.com/2007/09/i-will-blow-someone-for-genesis-tickets.html
Great piece of fiction. He should think about writing an autobiography and making millions that way since the "producing" gig doesn't seem to be working. That way at least he'll have money to buy his sex life.
I know many girls complaining that they are feed up with fake producers hooking up them at disco... =)
"Hi!I'm a producer, shall we dance?"
signature: "I think adult toys are better than logic, but I can't prove it."