RSS
August 11, 2007
Beards: A Growing Epidemic
It's Sex Saturday! That means April Smear is going to post a rant or question about all things sex. Let’s create a dialogue and attempt to understand the sexual underbelly of Los Angeles!
Ohhh, the beard phenomenon. Everywhere I go, on every attractive man I see, atop his cute face lurks an unnecessary beard. Was there a mass email suggesting to grow one that I wasn’t aware of? Last time I checked, the only men that grew beards were college professors- and my dad in the winter. Now, it's every-other guy walking down the street.
I have a musician ex-boyfriend, appropriately given the moniker "Mountain Man", that definitely has one of the longest, most disgusting beards I've ever seen in my life. He could hide a small family inside of it if he desired. When asked why he grew the beard, Mountain Man explained that he wanted to further disassociate with mainstream society and reconnect with nature. Apparently, the best way to do so is by growing a fucking rug on one’s face. Little does he know that the relationship with his beard made me disconnect, and that’s why I won’t call him back
It also seems that beards have really taken off in the hipster community. Part of the reason why I love musicians and "hipsters" is because they are always so DTF, but damn guys, your beards are making it so hard for me to want to get down. My ex and so many other beard wearers I’ve met would be a lot better looking if they just took the straight edge to their face.
Part of the reason why I think beards are unattractive is because they're unhygienic when you're eating a vadge. I don't want my natural lube to be caught in my partner's facial pubes and I especially don't want to have to make-out with him afterwards.
If I wanted to smell that aroma, I wouldn't be with a man.
Flavor savors are less sexy, and more messy. To get clean, a man shouldn't have to shampoo his face.
Also, if I'm expected to have a trimmed or shaved puss, a guy can at least extend the same courtesy and have a shaved face. Truly, if a woman grew an Amazonian Forest below, most men these days would have a problem with it. And you know it. And before you lie, ask yourself when the last time you saw an Amazonian Forest on any of the women you gawk at in your men's magazines and in your porn.
I guess my biggest gripe with beards is that it serves as a barrier between me and comfortably getting off. Great sex involves sweat, spit, and other bodily fluid. It grosses me out to think that my man’s beard may have any of those things inside of it. Or I should say, can't easily be wiped off.
And trust me, there are many women who share my feelings and would rather end up with your friend without a beard than with you with yours.
So please guys, for the sake of God, purchase a Mach III and make that cute face baby-butt soft. Let's make smooth skin the new fad. We'll all be the better for it.
top photo by Dr Snafu , bottom photo by Mike Burns, both via flickr
| 
add to stumble upon
add to reddit
email this
add to facebook
add to del.icio.us
[ report this ]
Have you thought abut a shaving party? Sort of a prelude, like foreplay, which would be an excellent way to show these guys how hot it is to you to get them to rid themselves of their facial hair. I've been to a few group shaving orgies, they are a lot of fun.
[ report this ]
Beards are gross. They were gross in the 70's and they're gross now. When I see that unruly, patchy, nasty bush of pubes on your face, go directly to strike 3, you're out.
My only hope is that the Geico Caveman Sitcom will kill this trend for good.
On behalf of all women who shave their armpits: Fuck you, buy a razor or sit alone picking food bits out of the vagina on your face.
[ report this ]
shaving parties?
at the next one please take pics and send em in.
[ report this ]
This wonderful little post proves a longstanding point of mine: beards weed out the chicks you wouldn't wanna sleep with anyhow.
And, for the record, my lady loves my soft, trimmed whiskers grazing her thighs.
Also, the "dirty" argument is baffling. Perhaps you date dirty guys but I tend to, you know, WASH my face thoroughly a few times a day. It's refreshing and you should try it some time. No beard required.
[ report this ]
In my experience, women have often complemented me on my beard and say its much nicer rubbing up on a face with a soft beard than a face with sharp, five o'clock shadow. I agree w/ the last post: "beards weed out the chicks you wouldn't wanna sleep with anyhow". Also, there's a huge difference between having a well trimmed beard & having a caveman's neck fur. Maybe you ladies should try hair farming your bits to weed out the guys you wouldn't wanna sleep with anyhow. ;^)
[ report this ]
yay, more bearded guys for me! i'm all about the beard rubbing on thighs thing that ben bang mentions. and what's with all the hate for vaginas? it's yours ladies, learn to love it. sheesh. as long as everyone's washing regularly and keeping things trimmed, i really don't see the problem. beards bring into relief the sexy 'otherness' of men, their masculinity. personally, i don't like anything less than a 3-day beard on a man, or at least a little scruffy 5 o' clock shadow. mmm, stubble.
[ report this ]
I haven't shaved my legs in months and I most often forget to shave under my arms
but most important is that beards are hot.
[ report this ]
MY main question is, being a musician but not a hipster, what is DTF? right off the bat i though it meant (down to f*ck) but thats pretty much any guy, hipster/musician/oral hygienist/curator of local museum/janitor/hobo/red lobster waiter/philanthropist... You get the idea. But seriously, whats DTF people?
Torch
-shameless self promotion
myspace.com/torchmcclouchee
[ report this ]
having hair grow out of your face is a curse, believe me ladies, it sucks.
Girls are lucky they get to shave their legs instead of their faces, because you don't have to be paranoid about slitting your throat, and hell, if you feel lazy you can just wear pants.
What is the equivalent of pants for a mans face? a bag over my head? Wearing my hooded sweatshirt backwards, with the hood up?
But i back you, April, you made some good points.
If girls are down to shave their muff off, we should pick up a razor too.
[ report this ]
And as for what porn actresses look like: who cares? I don't find silicone tits sexy, either.
As for women shaving other parts, hey, real grown-up women have hair. They don't look like smooth-skinned 13-year-olds - thank goodness.
The current porn 'ideal' of no body hair and giant balloon tits is downright creepy, in fact.
Grow a beard, guys, and spend more time having real sex with real women and less time wanking off to silicone-injected shaved-and-oiled plastic porn princesses.
[ report this ]
[ report this ]
Clean and trimmed; not shaven. That goes for all of us.
A man's face isn't complete without a well-groomed beard. And neither is...
[ report this ]
Ms "April Smear" ?
you sound like a charming woman... may I suggest you get some more tattoos?
yikes....
[ report this ]
You know, I love my beard. And, as a gay man, I love a beard on other men too. And, what's more, I was in to that ish way before it was in vogue. Facial hair is something that happens naturally. And, in my belief, that's really sexy. Like, the worst thing for me is a shaved body and a shaved face. It's what makes a man, for me.(This statement goes no further than surface aspects.)
...Growing a beard doesn't help you connect to nature! Give me a friggin break. That's some BS, right there. How about hiking? Or recycling? Or killing your own food, mountain man?
[ report this ]
The best you can do to support your personal preference is try to convince the reader that ALL women feel the way you do? Wow.
What does your therapist have to say about this particular irrational rant? I can't imagine how it's *that* important to anyone...don't like it? Don't date guys with facial hair. It's that easy. Why all the rage about it? I know plenty of women who like it just fine, or prefer it. And a bunch who don't. SO what? ohhh that's right... everyone has to do what YOU want. Sorry, forgot.
I'm certain you don't want anyone telling you what to do with your body and anyone who doesn't like what you do is invited to take their problem somewhere else. I submit that you could stand to take some of your own medicine.
For the record, I shave almost every day but should I choose to let it grow out, rest assured that I'll do my very best to stay far away from any emotionally retarded girl I encounter.
[ report this ]
As a man who had a beard for a good six months, let me say it wasn't a good six months as far as the ladies were concerned. In fact right before I ended up shaving the beard I found myself in a strip club and after each lap dance I asked each young lady to give it to me straight - beard or no beard - unanimously they said that they preferred clean shaven men in their personal life as well as in their clients.
needless to say, when i shaved my beard off last month i was not surprised when the ladies in my life thanked me and showered me with praise for shaving it off.
which isnt to say that i dont miss it.
alot.
[ report this ]
Is anyone gonna tell me what the funk DTF means? I still dont know
-torch
[ report this ]
Down to Fuck!
[ report this ]
well, i came in to say that i actually find beards attractive on men who can pull them off (and i think the "it's unhygienic" argument is never valid, since anything is hygienic if a person cares to make it so), but instead must actually say B.L.O.W.W. fucking rocks! how random that you chose that photo--i just dropped B.L.O.W.W. referree vinnie bennedetto off at LAX a few hours ago. he loves los angeles.
[ report this ]
Awww, I heart my man's goatee. Granted, I've never gone looking for facial hair, nor necessarily cringed at its presence, but I think my current fondness for my fellow's facial hair has an awful lot to do with my fondness for the fellow himself. He just happens to define sexiness for me, and he just happens to have some hair on his face. I think the hygeine argument has just as much validity if you were talking about someone's beard, crotch, mouth, or hands.
Where April comes out ahead: Knowing what she wants.
[ report this ]
Beards make me not DTF!
[ report this ]
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA DTF means DOWN TO FUCK!? Thats genius. whoever came up with that, kudo's to you!, not the expression, actual Kudos hard granola bars. Thanks April Smear, good usage.
-Torch
[ report this ]
i thought it was down to fart
[ report this ]
Anytime!
[ report this ]
Beards are dreadful. I have never grown one and I never will. Shaving my face weeds out the chicks I wouldn't wanna sleep with anyhow. I shave for my girl and she shaves for me.
[ report this ]
You will never stop the beard movement! Viva la revolucion!
[ report this ]
i love it when my boyfriend's face smells like my vagina for the whole day after he eats me out in the morning. yay beards!
[ report this ]
i have a beard and am proud. why should i live my life in accordance with the pronouncements of some paris-based fashionista and his mindless socialite disciples?