Beards: A Growing Epidemic
It's Sex Saturday! That means April Smear is going to post a rant or question about all things sex. Let’s create a dialogue and attempt to understand the sexual underbelly of Los Angeles!
Ohhh, the beard phenomenon. Everywhere I go, on every attractive man I see, atop his cute face lurks an unnecessary beard. Was there a mass email suggesting to grow one that I wasn’t aware of? Last time I checked, the only men that grew beards were college professors- and my dad in the winter. Now, it's every-other guy walking down the street.
I have a musician ex-boyfriend, appropriately given the moniker "Mountain Man", that definitely has one of the longest, most disgusting beards I've ever seen in my life. He could hide a small family inside of it if he desired. When asked why he grew the beard, Mountain Man explained that he wanted to further disassociate with mainstream society and reconnect with nature. Apparently, the best way to do so is by growing a fucking rug on one’s face. Little does he know that the relationship with his beard made me disconnect, and that’s why I won’t call him back
It also seems that beards have really taken off in the hipster community. Part of the reason why I love musicians and "hipsters" is because they are always so DTF, but damn guys, your beards are making it so hard for me to want to get down. My ex and so many other beard wearers I’ve met would be a lot better looking if they just took the straight edge to their face.
Part of the reason why I think beards are unattractive is because they're unhygienic when you're eating a vadge. I don't want my natural lube to be caught in my partner's facial pubes and I especially don't want to have to make-out with him afterwards.
If I wanted to smell that aroma, I wouldn't be with a man.
Flavor savors are less sexy, and more messy. To get clean, a man shouldn't have to shampoo his face.
Also, if I'm expected to have a trimmed or shaved puss, a guy can at least extend the same courtesy and have a shaved face. Truly, if a woman grew an Amazonian Forest below, most men these days would have a problem with it. And you know it. And before you lie, ask yourself when the last time you saw an Amazonian Forest on any of the women you gawk at in your men's magazines and in your porn.
I guess my biggest gripe with beards is that it serves as a barrier between me and comfortably getting off. Great sex involves sweat, spit, and other bodily fluid. It grosses me out to think that my man’s beard may have any of those things inside of it. Or I should say, can't easily be wiped off.
And trust me, there are many women who share my feelings and would rather end up with your friend without a beard than with you with yours.
So please guys, for the sake of God, purchase a Mach III and make that cute face baby-butt soft. Let's make smooth skin the new fad. We'll all be the better for it.
top photo by Dr Snafu , bottom photo by Mike Burns, both via flickr