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Bartender called. He was being super nice and suggested that we go out again. I told him that I was busy the next couple of days and that I'd call him when I was free, but I won't. Despite our similar tastes, his pleasant manner and generosity, I can't deny his complete inability to get me off. Since that is the case, it would never work out…ever.
The other night I headed over to a West Hollywood bar to catch up and hang out with some friends. While waiting for my drink, this guy came up to me and struck up a conversation. He revealed that he was a New York Jew, recently relocated to Los Angeles to try his luck with the entertainment industry. Even though he wasn't my usual type, he had the face of a baby and flirted like crazy, so I was naturally pleased. There's nothing more satisfying than boldness in men, to be pursued and taken. I ended up meeting New York Jew's friends, and he mine, and we all enjoyed each other's company. We then moved locations from the bar counter to a booth, where New York Jew grabbed my waist and kissed me. And boy, it was hot. For a while there was some serious necking going on, and I had to remind myself that PDA isn't sexy, just annoying, so I put on my brakes and told him that he should too.
By this time our respective groups decided to head out and go home. Somewhere between the walk from the bar to the valet, it was made so that I had to drive New York Jew to his place, which wasn't very far. When we got there I had to pee like a motherfucker so he let me in to his apartment. After I got out of the bathroom, NYJ asked me to stay, but I told him I couldn't, as I didn't want to end up in one night stand territory. He affirmed, "Yes, you can stay!" picked me up and threw me on his bed. Once again, super hot. Things started to get pretty heavy and I became aware of the fact the NYJ had a huge wiener. Okay, lots of physical chemistry, he's pushing all the right buttons, he has a huge dick. At this point I decided to just resign myself to the fact that I was going to have sex with the New York Jew, in spite of feeling that it may be wrong. But how can you turn down a good thing?
New York Jew proceeded to blow my mind for the next hour, but he would say off the wall things that would distract me from my pleasure-fest. Some of these included, "Do you want me to put it in your ass?", "Yeaaahh, how does it feel to be fucked by a big dick?", "Are your boobs fake?" and my personal favorite, "Now that I've fucked you good, I want you to kiss it [his wiener]." My responses were,"No, that's designated for BF's on holidays, like Easter.", "Uhhh, good?", "Yeah!", and "Ugh, no!" in which NYJ would reply, "Oh, I just wanted to see what you would say." Yeah sure, buddy. Why do some guys try to imitate porn? It's mind-boggling. I'm all for sexual deviance, but let's cut the cheese factor. After I could have sex no more, I realized it was three in the morning. Unfortunately for me, I still had to drive home and be back at work in five hours. NYJ offered for me to stay with him for the evening, but I told him no, put on my clothes and went back to my place.
As I put on my PJ's and washed my face, it came to my attention that I had two huge hickies on my neck. What the fuck? How have I made it through high school and college, and now of all times, I have love bites all over me? As everyone in LA knows, it's been scorching hot these past two days and I've been wearing turtlenecks the whole time. Needless to say, it's a huge bummer. In addition, I've developed a huge bruise on my butt from when NYJ smacked me on my ass. Ahh, the price you pay for pleasure!
I don't know why, but it's been too easy to meet guys recently. It's probably the pheromones. No, it definitely is. Despite this, I'm taking a break for the next week so I can recover and regroup. I can already tell it's going to be an interesting summer.
Photo by April Smear for LAist
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Did someone make a mistake and post this on LAist instead of their Myspace blog?
Gross
Nice.
awesome post!
theres a reason some people are writers, some are editors, and some are anonymous negative annoying guests
doin the agnasty!
F U Pierce! Some of us aren't stupid enough for your not-so-subtle way of weeding out negative commmenters by requiring us to "register".
Her adventures are myspace quality. So is her writing.
Deal with it.
Same poster as comment number one here.
@ Tony: The reason we're anonymous is because you recently instituted an unnecessary new commenting process. The reason we're negative is because the quality of this post is sub-par.
It sounds like you're implying that because you're an editor and April is a writer, you know better than we lowly readers do. That strikes me as a very old-media sort of idea, so it's surprising to see it here on LAist. And even if this were somehow true, a number of your readers are writers and editors themselves. Reading, writing, editing and commenting are not mutually exclusive.
While you obviously have the right to defend your work, your arrogance is often astonishing.
coming from another [guest], this post is lacking and incomparable to the previous writer of this topic. basically, reading this april person's posts, all i get from it is that she's a promiscuous, weed smoking girl. very ordinary. and so is her writing.
not a worthy read.
what im implying is you can be a negative anonymous critical asshole hiding in the bushes being a prick - or a cunt - depending on your nature
or you can register (which takes omg 2 seconds) and actually put your name behind your complaint like a human being and bitch all you want.
that would make you a Registered commentor and a member of our community. by Registering it doesnt mean that you cant be negative.
it just means that finally youre playing the same game as we editors and writers - youre emerging from the bs of anonymity - and you will begin to be taken seriously.
as for calling me arrogance astonishing, thank you. i call your practice of not putting your real name next to your whines cowardice.
so there.
and for the other guest who described April as a promiscuous weed smoking girl... my question to you is - so? youre telling me that you dont want to read the tales of such a young woman as she goes on dates in LA?
sounds like either youre
1) jealous of her freedoms
2) jealous that LAist is creaming your boring site
3) clueless to whats interesting reading
so keep being dull in your own life and your blogs - and by all means, keep hiding in the bushes anonymously because with opinions like yours id hide too.
While I understand peoples dismay with the post, to them I say, don't read it. It's a lot different than Single Jew Girl, but I like it just as much. Dating in LA is a million different things. I like this perspective...
I dunno Tony, saying "so there" to your readers doesn't exactly reek of maturity. Some people don't like to log into any sort of commenting system and I don't think they should be called an asshole or a cunt for it. Why are you defending April so vehemently? You assume that we are one of three things in the above posts. I know that I have the same freedoms, don't feel any sort of competition with my non-existent website, and have a sex life fantastic enough that I don't feel like reading about someone else's porn-narrated one-night stands. I wasn't a fan of this post but I like this site...I've even written a few food reviews for you. It looks awfully silly for you to snap at anonymous readers just because they don't like one post.
~Pam
i apologize Pam for making it look like there are only three groups
of course there are also the registered commentors.
but yes, i generally believe that anonymous negative commentors are unproductive to the blogosphere, so if it looks like im pouncing on someone for being lame, i probably am.
i defend April because she's telling a personal story about her life in public, which takes guts. more guts than hiding from the bushes and whining and snarking.
in order for LAist, blogs, and the blogosphere to continue to grow you have to encourage when people are being courageous, especially if people who are acting cowardly are cockblocking.
LAist has 20-25 posts on this bad boy. if you dont like one or two, negatively commenting anonymously isnt going to help your cause. infact registering, and commenting positively on the posts that you like will better support what you want to see more of.
Any form of critique of Tony's endless touchiness is immediately written off as "negative", and has been from day 1 of his tenure. Anyone who doesn't immediately jump up and down in the wake of his corny, empty posts is branded a "hater".
"what im implying is you can be a negative anonymous critical asshole hiding in the bushes being a prick - or a cunt - depending on your nature. or you can register (which takes omg 2 seconds) and actually put your name behind your complaint like a human being and bitch all you want. that would make you a Registered commentor and a member of our community. by Registering it doesnt mean that you cant be negative."
Translation: I need to show my bosses that I'm actually working and bringing in unique hits on LAist. I need to fake building actual "community", no matter how much I bitch and snipe and subsequently run off readers who fundamentally don't give a shit about registering names like "BigBlackButts" or "OMGILUVTONYTHEPOET". Which, in Tony's Bizarro-world version of journalism, gives their words extra weight and credence.
Less Tony bashing and more letting April know she's a raging slut!
having people register doesnt give me or LAist the things that you claim, guest. do you know Anything about Anything?
in fact any "touchiness" that i might exhibit here in LAist ive had on my personal blog for years and theres no "fake" community there - its real.
all im saying is - and i realize there are some people that you have to spell things out to repeatedly, so this one is for you - if you want to be a snarky jackhole, then put your stupid name next to it if you really believe it. and heres a perfect way - register. otherwise you deserve any snark thats delivered back at you for being a dirty coward.
this isnt about hits, or community. this is about you being full of shit, and me calling you out on it. if you have what it takes to diss strangers who are telling the truth about their lives in publc, and if you believe your bullshit, then sign your name next to it. otherwise bore other sites with your droning whines.
hows that for this not being about hits?
Congrats! A new low for LAIST! Penthouse Forum eat your heart out! You can always tell when a comment has a real point by the length of Tony's response. This defense is particularly laughable. This has fuck all do to with L.A. and you know it. Nice touch calling your readers "cunts"!
April, I won't call you a raging slut, but a lousy writer. You probably think you are some progressive feminist subverting a masculine-dominated paradigm or some such silly shit. Not so much.
By the way, guess which of my dozen or so registered names is my "real name". (Here's a hint: NONE.)
#16 - By the way, guess which of my dozen or so registered names is my "real name". (Here's a hint: NONE.)
words from a proud coward ashamed to put his name next to his bullshit.
bravo, coward, bravo.
you have proved my point perfectly - people who have nothing to say, and dont even believe their own bs will lie in the comments and then lie about who they are. they are people who should be ignored or ridiculed.
thank you.
"Less Tony bashing and more letting April know she's a raging slut!
Cheers to that! Initially, I was like, "Ew, what a total slut!" but now you're a total slut without a hint of shame and some balls too. Not only is that awesome, it's hot.
Keep up the good work.
Boy oh boy, that Joe Smith sure is a courageous poster! He registered with his real name and everything!
Get real, Tony - this is all about hit counts to bring to your Gothamist masters on bended knee, not about "courage" in the slightest.
re: #17: "words from a proud coward ashamed to put his name next to his bullshit."
Ok Tony, what's April Smear's real name then?
is your head always up your ass, #20?
can you really see no difference between a woman being honest about her sexual practices AS THEYRE HAPPENING
and a douche who talks shit from the bushes about her honest descriptions?
are you really that dim?
is it really that difficult to see that someone writing about personal details probably has a right to use a fake name, and some armchair "critic" acting like an asswipe doesnt?
likewise, why on earth would you need to be anonymous with that question?
today must be Dim Wit Day on the web.
To the person (or people) who think registering to comment is all about bringing in more pageviews or unique visitors (most say "hits"), that is just not true.
With or without the new comment system, or people registering, we are not going to see a difference in hits. If you think registering can do that, please explain your theory.
If your goal is to keep LAist from getting hits, coming here and leaving anonymous comments will not help you achieve that goal. In fact, just the opposite will come true.
What we hope to see from the comment upgrade is a way to provide a fun and healthy comment environment for real discussions about the posts that the writers spend time posting.
And this is not it for the comment upgrades. There will be even more comment features to come within the next month. Sweet.
Pierce, honest to god, I hope I never met you in public.
You are about five minutes away from being Perez Hilton.
You already got the fat and arrogant down. Now all you need to do is draw some lines on a picture of someone.
#1, 7 and 20 here.
@#21: My point wasn't that April should use her real name (although such a thing isn't unheard of), only that having a name attached to something isn't the only criterion of it being worthwhile.
Anyway I don't think there's any sort of comment/hits conspiracy going on, so I've gone and registered.
Tony, don’t get mad because the people who comment are using a feature your site offers. If you don’t want negative anonymous comments, then get rid of the “Sign in as Guest” feature.
April, your story is boring: 'Guy/Girl meet at bar, they share drinks, they then go home together and have sex.' The names of the bar and the people might be different but that same story has been told a thousand times over. Don’t just brag about your conquests… tell us something unique about your situation. We need a reason to read you post and cheer you on.
All I can say is that reading this post (and the comments that followed) made my dick completely hard (you could literally see the purple veins pulsing) and there was definitely pre-ejaculate dripping down my shaft.
Next time can you post video of the encounter? I would love to jack off to some visuals next time.
Well, at least one person was turned on by this post. April, I believe you've found your booty soul mate in Mr. Fredcamino.
~P
God, I hate the term "blogosphere." Tony, I don't come here to you expounding your philosophy on the "blogosphere." I come here to read different takes on cultural and political events in the southland. I come here to find out about cool places I might not have known about. This post provides none of that.
Usually, I would have read this and said to myself," that was stupid," and moved on. Usually I wouldn't click on the comments to any post here, because comments are boring. But this time I did. And now I know you're an ass.
So I register on your site with some fake name so that I can respond to a story written by someone with a fake name and that's gonna make everything better? No it won't. You'll still be an ass.
Well, I'm voting with my feet. I don't want to support someone like you by increasing your traffic, so I won't be back.
Please also comment on the sexual diseases you do or do not contract. I'm interested in that aspect too.
By the way, I think it's easy for most women to meet guys if they hang out in bars and make it clear enough to a guy that he feels confident he's going to bring you home that night.
#29 - why don't you comment on your own fucking sexual disease that you do or do not contract.
are you that backward that you are suggesting that someone who *writes* about their dating life must obviously practice unsafe sex and therefore be riddled with diseases?
no wonder you comment anonymously, youre pathetic, and probably not clean yourself.
clearly i'm about a month behind this hot little debate (i' vebeen in europe... ) - but April you're such a raging slut ;) keep them up !