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Since it appears that some of my prior posts have infuriated readers enough to call me something along the lines of "a poison to society," I have come to realize that I must be extremely influential and powerful in my role of (as one person called me), "Queen of the Retards." Otherwise, people wouldn't be so upset, would they? They would shake their heads and say "moron" and click on one of the other, oh, one billion blogs out there on the web. All this time I thought I was just writing a silly bit on my perspective of LA, when in fact it is the Ten Commandments of Los Angeles living. To sum it up, I am Master of the World.
Well yay for me. Since I was a young child I wanted to be Ruler of the Universe, and now that I have apparently obtained this role by writing about muffin tops and Ugg boots I fully intend to exploit my power. I hereby announce Malingering's Ban on White Pants.
This is my problem with white pants. I can always see something I don't want to see. Oh, I know what's coming next "Malingering hates fat people so she doesn't like white pants because fat people wear them," or whatever inane logic was used by those angry readers last week. Get the hell over yourself, your narrow minded fools. Look at the woman above. She isn't fat. She doesn't have cellulite. There is no muffin top. But she's wearing leopard printed panties under white linen.
What sort of message are you sending here, lady? "Come down here and look at my pussy cat, it's a wild animal?" Or could it be, "I don't own a full length mirror and I look just fine from the waist up?" Either one, you annoy me. I don't want to see your spotted kitty. This should be reserved for your husband or girlfriend or the people who pay for your tacky internet web cam site. Oh, go ahead, call me a prude and a conservative and a "sexless cat lady who never gets any" (thank you, blog reader) just because I think this is trashy.
Then there is the other problem with white pants: They show everything. I am not saying that this woman should be ashamed of herself because we can see every little tiny ripple on her butt, but I am willing to bet $50 that she did not intend to do so (unlike the woman in the top photo). This makes me feel guilty, because I feel like I saw something that I wasn't supposed to see. And when I have the irresistible compulsion to photograph it, I feel even worse. Look how horrible I'm feeling now. I just posted this on the internet.
This is a fashion tip my mother taught me when I turned 12. Wearing white underneath white is not a good idea. Intuitively, one would think they would cancel each other out or merge together in invisible whiteness but this is not the case at all. In fact, white panties are much more visible under white pants than something like nude or black panties. This was confirmed by Oprah several years later. And if Oprah says it, there is no room for questions. It becomes law. Well, at least until I became Master of the Universe, now I have veto power.
This woman may have been home that fateful day when Oprah uttered her words of panty wisdom, but she forgot one thing: Black granny panties beneath skin tight white leggings are going to leave horrible pantylines. White leggings are a no-win situation. Wear a thong, and everyone's going to see your ass zits and every other topographical detail on your butt. Wear full coverage panties, and everyone's going to see those. Now if this woman looked at herself from behind with a 3-way mirror or backwards vision or something, do you think she would be happy about this? My guess is no. And that's just my guess, but since I am almighty, it is the correct answer.
What it comes down to is this: White pants should be banned from the market. They do more harm than good. They are thin, transparent, and get dirty within 2 minutes. They expose undergarments and anatomic details which should probably be left at home. They have yet to flatter anyone other than someone who could put on a brown paper bag and make it look flattering, and usually those people are made of plastic and 6 feet tall and go on shows like America's Next Top Model and get into pissy cat fights about who is hogging the mirror and who didn't wash the dishes after eating a breakfast of 3 Cheerios. Because it is obvious that people are not able to use white pants responsibly, they should be eliminated from the fashion world and allowed only for baseball home games and the Marines. This would make me a happier and more content human being. And since I am omnipotent, you all have to listen.
All photos taken by Malingering, who loves to hate people who hate to love sarcasm.
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Don't these girls have any real friends? Women of the world need to unite and tell each other the truth when another one asks, "Do I look good in this?"
All hail the Master of the Universe. Don't worry about the cat lady remark...everyone knows they get the most action.
And that is the same reason i love white pants....but only for girls.
*bows to the master of the world* you are just like she-ra - and i love you for it!
You're so mean, malingering. You should be more sensitive to people who have no decency and don't think they should restrict themselves to clothes that suit them or that people would want to see them in.
hahaha ... really though, I want to catch you taking pictures of these people at the Grove and wherever else you prowl.
i recommend no pants.
You, Malingering, summed up almost every reason why I never wear white pants, with the exclusion of the dreaded, glaring red stain that I've had the horrible displeasure of seeing on people. That, however, goes for most light-colored tight pants.
The only thing worse that white pants is white linen pants. I've never seen a pair of white linen pants I couldn't see through. You might as well forgo the pants altogether.
i think these women are a form of exhibitionists.
they want us to see their junk.
so when i pass by i stare and say DAY-UM and see if they frown at me.
they never do.
I love that the ads coming up at the top of the page are for girdles and personal ads featuring BBW.
I LOVE the look of white pants when they are done right (i.e., when you can't see things you shouldn't EVER see on strangers), but it is impossible to find a pair of pants where you can't see the front/back pockets or the underwear.
Why don't clothing companies make white pants that work? Well, I've seen white pants that are all the things we want...but they're upwards of a few hundred dollars.
And also - why don't women seem to know they should wear nude underwear under white pants...not white?
Malingering is L.A.'s Fashion Enforcer. She knows of what she speaks.
Honestly, the last thing I do when I walk out of the house is check my rear for visible panty lines. If I see any, then my pants are too tight and I resolve to either get rid of them or lose those last 5 pounds I've been trying to lose for 5 years.
Back in 2002 I went to Italy and everyone was wearing white linen pants, so I bought a pair, thinking I would be so cool like the women in Rome (you know the saying). Upon my return to the US, my sister and I were in Vegas, and I proudly pulled out my white linen pants (cool yet chic, I thought) and put them on. My sister said "I'm not going out with you looking like that." I asked her if it was that bad. She replied, "well, I know that if you were walking in front of yourself and saw yourself from behind, you would point and laugh." Okay. Enough said. Back to the jeans.
White pants that were lined and fitted (but not too tight) wouldn't be so bad. And nude underwear is great.
Once, in a moment of unthinkingness, I bought a pair of white jeans. Thankfully, I realized my mistake and never wore them. I have no idea why anyone would want to wear white - I can't relate to the panty-vision, but they pick up dirt and stains like nothing else.
Thank you! can we be best friends?
I worship at the Church of Malingering - Master of the Universe!
Elise, even if some of these ladies don't have any friends to offer advice, maybe we should start up some kind of a charity to buy mirrors for these poor unfortunates.
I think the manufacturing of white jeans is sponsored by the detergent and bleach companies. Why the hell would you want to wear something that is so prone to stains?! Are you going to maintain a five foot spill-free perimeter around yourself and never sit down to maintain the stunning whiteness of your pants?
Clothing manufacturers are misogynists.
Deven,
Missing the Jesus Clam
Much like Spandex, white pants are a privilege, not a right. And I can think of one person (a sister-in-law) who wore white pants the day Aunt Flo showed up for her regular visit... there are just some things you can't hide or take back after they've happened. (Am told she tied her sweatshirt around her waist to get around the rest of the day.)
One time I wore light gray pants to work. I don't know what I sat in, but I sat in something at work. This woman came up to me and said "did you know there's something on your pants?" and I said "yes" and she said "Man, you must be so embarrassed." I said "I wasn't, until now."
you've probably heard the saying relative to the people that are upset with what you say
"illegitimi non carborundum"
(don't let the bastards grind you down)
I love reading your stuff, and enjoy seeing the world through your eyes.
My mother made me where white jeans when I was young (Blue jeans were banned from school at the time). Now I understand why my mental health development was stymied at a young age. Thanks for the post.
I need a coffee table photo book of your posts. theyre brilliant.
Why do people get mad at you? You are only telling the truth. Over the age of 2 - white pants look good on NO ONE.
And this is why we don't own white pants or shorts - they just don't look good at all.
You have just scratched the surface...
I work as a parmadic, and it amazes me just how many nurses at the hospital insist on wearing white scrubs.
Aside from working in one of the dirtiest professions... you can see EVERYTHING.
I swear I can even make out the writing on the tag of the underwear.
Sorry to say it, but I was just in the Caribbean, and tons of men and women on the resort were wearing white pants, and most of them looked good. Toned, tan, tasteful...yummy. I didn't see any shite like the pics you posted. Maybe West Coasters are just clueless about the white?
I don't know... I'll check Caribbeanist to see if I can find anything.
malingering, i'm not gay, but i'm so in love with you. (i like cats, too).
Why does it seem like only overwieght or totally our of shape women wear these pants?
i don't think i've ever seen a fine ass in these type of pants.
Malingering you must be overweight or obese and old. (now I will see a post saying you are a size 4 and 21) LOL...
I have seen many girls with white pants in Italy but some in the us too. Its hard to see them here as most girls are obese like the lard mountains you pictured above show. But if your thin the look looks great with thongs black or white not circus i mean leopard panties though, in short its a very good look i wish more size 0 to size 8 would wear. Not lard mountains.