PM News Roundup

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Photo by C-Monster.

Larry Birkhead to World: I told you so! Sleazy paparazzo beats off human parasite, fake prince, former bodyguard and clump of seaweed to prove he's Anna-Nicole's baby-daddy. -TMZ

Howard Stern cozies up to Birkhead, says Papa Larry can spend as much time as he wants with little Mealticketlynn. World's #1 Mom Virgie Arthur expected to sue for custory. -TMZ

MSNBC punishes Don Imus with two-week vacation. Rutgers players still pissed, would love to meet with radio host to personally express their "hurt, anger and disgust." -AP

34-year-old Girls Gone Wild founder Joe "take your top off, sweetie" Francis arrested in Panama City, Florida airport early this morning on a warrant for criminal contempt of court. Who knew he was 6'2"? -Extra TV (Mugshot courtesy of AP Photo/Bay County Sheriff's Office)

With more than $400 million in unmet needs, the LA County Department of Parks and Rec unveils "Adopt-A-Park" plan to allow private businesses to "adopt" parks in South Los Angeles. Your neighborhood park just got pwned. -CBS2

Coast Guard still searching for two people swept off jetty in Corona del Mar. -LA Times

Google starts mapping genocide. - CNN

Awww, isn’t it cute how Los Angeles keeps imitating San Francisco? LA county officials consider banning plastic bags. No word on how this will affect Joan Rivers. - LA Times

2nd shooting in less than a month at Chicago high school. Maybe it was a bad idea to make Target Practice an elective. -AP

6:30 A.M. 3.5 magnitude temblor rattles folks in Ventura County. -ABC7

Some f*@%$in a#$%hole thinks "open and uncensored" blogs need warning labels. Cuz it’s not like you're ever gonna hear rude words at home, in movies, on the street, at your friends' homes, on television, in books… -BBC

Dennis Blunden, the fat, snarky kid from 80s sitcom Head of the Class, is the programming genius behind Nickolodeon's tween TV empire. -NY Times

It's raining rats, courtesy of a KFC/Taco Bell in Manhattan (that would be New York City). -Fox News

Shocking News! Diets don't work. Eating sensibly and exercising moderately does. -BBC (& common sense)

Quote Of the Day: Jonathan Rhys-Meyers explains why the American public couldn’t possibly love a fat man, and why it makes perfect sense to cast a rail-thin, dark-haired pretty boy as an obese, red-bearded monarch:

"You're trying to sell a historical period drama to a country like America, you don't want a big, fat, 250 pounds, red haired guy with a beard. It doesn't let people embrace the fantastic monarch he was, because they're not attracted to the package. Heroes do not look like Henry VIII. That is just the world we live in."
--WENN/IMDB