Living In Sin: Don't Kid Yourself
Sex is something that drives us, empowers us and gets us into really stupid situations with people we have no business seeing naked. Jen Sincero is the bestselling author and sexpert with the carnal knowledge you need. Ask her your questions (all are posted anonymously). Cuz there's no such thing as being too good in bed.
Dear Jen,
I need to get your spin on this. I've been seeing this guy since December who I met through a mutual friend. I've been divorced for almost 5 years from my first husband who was extremely abusive and I lost everything I had when I walked out. I got out of another serious relationship about 2 years ago and have since gone back to school for my criminal justice degree, have a great job, and have gotten my life together.
Then this man rolls into my life. At first he emailed and called me a lot, but now calls me only on the weekends. We end up in the sack the whole weekend and I end up playing mommy to his four year-old. Almost 2 months have passed and the four year-old is telling me he loves me, and my so called dating friend has yet to tell me where this is going.
I'm not wanting anything serious, but I would like to know where it may be headed. He knows all my friends but I don't know any of his. I wish I wasn't wondering because it's great right now. I guess I cant help it with all the estrogen flowing through my veins. What would you do? I'm getting attached to the kid.
- Feeling Vulnerable and Hating It
Dear Hating,
Have you ever heard that expression "I'd rather feed a thousand starving people than one person who says they aren't hungry?" It's one of my faves, and it reminds me of you. You say you aren't hungry for a serious relationship, but the fact that you're wondering where all this is going leads me to believe that you'd stuff your face full if only it were placed in front of you. If you weren't, you wouldn't give a rats hiney ho which way the wind was blowing, regardless of how charming his four year old is.
We don't just get attached to people, we get attached to all the stuff swirling around them. Especially when they're blowing us off and that's all we have to hold onto! I've broken up with people and missed the feel of their homes, their cats, the smell of their sheets, their camping gear, etc, more than I've missed the actual person. And I've had several ex-boyfriends talk wistfully about my bed after the fact (it is like a giant quaalude if I do say so myself.) Yet none of these things would be half as meaningful if they weren't attached to the person we had the relationship with. We may genuinely be over them, but without the nostalgia that's created by their themness, all this stuff, children included, wouldn't be nearly as appealing.
I don't doubt that you and this kid are gaga over one another (what the hell is he doing letting his child get so involved with someone he's only interested in boinking on the weekends, btw?), but I suspect that if you didn't really want to be with this guy, you wouldn't have been quite so open to taking on his kid. I bring this up only because you need to be honest, not hating, where you really are with all of this. I think it's great that you're vulnerable and able to open yourself up again, so please stop blaming it on estrogen and your newfound mommyhood, otay?
So what to do? Is two months too early to demand an agenda from him? In girl world, the need for an agenda rears its head pretty much the second the first orgasm subsides. In boy world, it can take years. Ain't heterosexuality a cruel joke? This is where the need to play games comes in. Because female reality is very different than male reality, so we all try to do whatever we can to get the other to act more according to our own plan. It is....exhausting.
I say you stop being at his beck and call. You're showing up every weekend because that's when he wants you, taking care of his kid, and putting your needs aside. If you want him to be more attentive, tell him. It's not like you're wagging your ring finger in his face. Wanting to have a better rapport with the person who spends entire weekends inside of you isn't crazy, it's normal. And it's the least he can do for such an excellent babysitter like yourself.