Is LA Killing Britney Spears?
dear britney,
craig ferguson was on tv the other night and he said that because he's an alcoholic and he knows how seriously important it is for people who need rehab should be respected for the guts to go to rehab, he wont be making any jokes about you going to rehab.
he said that basically youre still a very young woman and obviously troubled, and therefore profiting off of making light of your dark days isnt something that he wants to be part of.
and it made me reconsider all the jokes i made about you, and the contest that we just ran, that ophelia won, to guess how long you would stay in rehab.
until last night i didnt think that there was anything wrong with you. people date losers like kfed all the time. wiggers with yankee caps keep popping up because hot babes keep banging them, plus we saw your miniseries with him, you did seem in love. it was cute. and love is blind. lalala.
i didnt think you were crazy when you started hanging with Paris, i didnt think you were crazy when you cut off all your hair (since its something i do weekly), and i didnt think you were crazy when you threw on that ridiculous blonde wig.
you are a rock star. you can do whatever you want. in fact, i demand that my rock stars do whatever they want, and i look down on those who dont do a bit of wigging out, so to speak.
flashing your lady parts three times in a row is just as punk rock as johnny rotten trying to kill us with his eyeballs, johnny cash flipping off the camera man, or r. kelly singing love songs. we look to our musicians to rebel, and youve certainly blazed your own trail, nearly Wu-Tang style.
you're a twentysomething twice divorced mother of two who gets freaked out by the pressures and the paparazzi and the attention and the circus surrounding your life.
you might consider moving away from LA for a little while. just sayin.
theres no shame in it. ive done it. pretty much everyones done it. you can always move back. its only getting better, and when you come back all cleaned up and together you can run for governor or something.
but we do want you happy and we dont want you bored so heres what we would do if we were you.
1 - send your ex husband a metric ton of horse manure, set it on fire, knock on the door, run
2 - move to oregon, raise your kids, write songs on the piano, drink lemonade
3 - get your GED
4 - read some books, y'all
5 - if you must date, only date girls, not because we're pervy but because you dont need any more damn kids
6 - start a non-profit pizza franchise whose specialty is chicago style deep dish. make all the profits go to helping the people in Darfur
7 - stay out of the scene for a few years. the longer the better. when you come back it will be the biggest comeback ever.
8 - during the finale of your first comeback concert, have thousands of pizzas fall from the roof of the arena onto the "special guests" that you personally selected to be part of your big show.
9 - then get a radio show on indie right after jonesy...
xoxoxox
tony