USC Conquers Hollywood, Considers Secession from U.S.

Trojans make ritual sacrifice to please Lucas. AP Photo by J. Pat Carter.

The flag of Troy flies over Hollywood today as members of the separatist USC Mafia celebrate a landmark day in their fight to become a sovereign nation.

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General George Lucas donated $175 million from his personal war chest to outfit and supply the cinematic powerhouse. “The force is strong in Troy,” remarked Lucas. “And I should know a thing or two about that.”

General Lucas, who honed his Jedi film skills at USC’s urban training camps, has already planned a victory parade in Pasadena. The Trojans have sacked and pillaged the city many times over the years, despite a setback last January.

In an effort to further cement their status as a global power and gain recognition from the United Nations, USC also announced the opening of an embassy in Jordan. Experts believe this may have something to do with Jordan’s historic city of Petra and the upcoming release of Lucas Film’s Indiana Jones 4. The film’s director, Steven Spielberg, has demonstrated strong personal and financial allegiance to USC despite being rejected from the institution. Twice.

To manage their new cash infusion, USC will look within its own walls. Despite a drop in Wednesday’s release of the annual Wall Street Journal Business School Rankings, the Trojans still hold the high ground over fundamentalist opponent and cross-town football rival UCLA.

When reached for comment on the day’s developments, Robert Zemeckis, another notable Trojan alumnus, explained “Life is like a box of chocolates. How sweet it is. USC? Now we’re the University of Serious Cash!”

Perhaps the only bad news for Troy was the release of battlefield intelligence by ABC Sports mercenary Brent Musburger. With ten minutes to go in Saturday’s USC-Nebraska battle, Musburger revealed quarterback John David Booty’s single coverage signal to several million TV viewers. Since USC has yet to establish a formal judicial body, school officials have decided to let the quarterback determine Musburger’s fate. “We figured it was best to let the victim decide,” revealed an unnamed University source. “It’s up to him. It’s a Booty call.”