Why Didn't Anyone Tell Us That Pirates Was Poopy?
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
starring Johnny Depp
Here we were expecting this killer summer blockbuster that was supposed to be sooooooooooo much better than Superman Returns -- which it was -- but that wasn't hard to do. Pirates II - two, because that's how many times you'll visit the restroom, it's so long. In truth it was barely "good", and that was only thanks to the amazing special effects.
There's Johnny Depp in his embarrassing gay Keith Richards impersonation; as the CGI takes over, he is pushed to the background. Fascinating how we don't care about Ken and Barbie -- Orlando and Ms. Knightley. They seemed more like brother and sister, and whenever Keira tried to be sexy it was so unconvincing that you understood why she was dressed up as a boy most of the film.
You walk out feeling like a rube, as the experience gives you the impression that all Pirates II was good for was to take your money for Pirates III.
More bad reviews after the jump...
"...the fool thing just keeps going and going... and going. (Does a Pirates sequel really need to be five minutes longer than GoodFellas?" - Sean Burns, Philadelphia Weekly
"There's no real plot here: just a collection of ostensibly thrilling situations strung together with tenuous bits of expository dialogue. The characters most of us were probably hoping to see in action together -- chiefly, Johnny Depp's louche-sexy pirate Jack Sparrow and Keira Knightley's feisty adventuress Elizabeth Swann -- barely pass in the night, or even during the day." - Stephanie Zacharek, Salon
"The script's not so much a story as a tin of sardines, cramming every barnacle-crusted cliché from the pirate lexicon into a single box" - Paul Arendt , BBC
"About two hours into this 150-minute behemoth, the worst fears of most moviegoers were confirmed – not only was the ending not going to tie together the frayed plot ends, but it was going to force us to sit through what is essentially a teaser for the next 'Pirates' flick. " - Mike Ward, Richmond.com