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Every week in Living in Sin, Jen Sincero provides advice for LA's sexually curious. e-mail Jen your question, which will be posted anonymously.
Dear Jen - My wife and I had a threesome involving another man and she was pleasured by him in a way I've never seen her be before. It was so good, she ended up leaving me for him, but, to make a very long story short, we recently got back together because we realized how much we loved and missed each other. Since then, things have been going very slowly. We had a wonderful experience recently, but it didn't compare to that night with him. I fear that she will be disappointed and am determined to learn how to be an amazing lover. I also wonder if there is a size problem.I can give her clitoral orgasms, after which she likes a "quickie" and I wonder if it's because I'm smaller than he was that she just wants to get it over with. She assures me that size isn't a problem, but I have been pondering natural penis growth techniques. Is there something I can do to make her want intercourse more, or am I stuck with quickies for the rest of our marriage? What can I do to assure a pleasurable experience for both of us?
The only size problem here the size of the gaping hole in your self-esteem. This whole experience really frizzizzled something deep in your core (understandably), and you need to focus on fixing that, not on adding some bang to your bulge. Please get yourself some therapy, and bring your wife with you. If your feelings of inadequacy and your trust issues with her aren't dealt with, your relationship is going to be in deep doo doo.
Mr. Wondercock, whoever he was, was a fun fling for her, but you're the one she wants to spend her life with. You have to stop comparing yourself to this guy or you're going to drive yourself, and your wife,
crazy. Comparing yourself to anyone, about anything, accomplishes nothing, other than often making you feel lousy about yourself. Why oh why do we do it?! Instead, focus on what you do have (a wife that's
crazy about you, the desire to have as good a relationship as you can) and cut yourself some slack.
As far as your specific questions about your sex life go, I'm not sure there's much you can do until you guys work some stuff out. Because as it stands, your impetus to please her is coming from a neurotic need to out-stud someone else, which is many things, none of which are sexy. Until you can both get back to that fun exciting place where you explore sex together, are open, trusting, and don't have the shadow of some guy, and his bigger wiener, looming over you, no amount of neato tricks are going to make a difference. You must work the soil before reaping the crop.
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"Comparing yourself to anyone, about anything, accomplishes nothing, other than often making you feel lousy about yourself. Why oh why do we do it?!"
I think part of the reason we do it is because it gets done to us. I recently worked at a company that used comparison-between-team-members "life-boat" drills for performance reviews. Talk about your self-esteem taking the express elevator to hell. Doesn't matter how hard you work--Try being compared to a Type A over-achiever and being told "you just don't measure up to this person, therefore, THEY get the big raise! And um, you don't get one this year! Work harder! Be like THEM!" The type of culture this breeds in a work place is a nasty one of competition and back-stabbing, which I think unfortunately transfers to personal life rather easily.