In this week’s issue of Sports Illustrated, (subscription required) Chris Ballard takes on the Herculean task of ranking the Top 25 best sports bars in the land.

It’s a tough job, doubtlessly requiring countless hours of exhaustive research about tedious, mundane minutiae. Finally, after such thankless work, Mr. Ballard emerged from his dimly lit basement office in his mother’s house and delivered his own priceless Magna Carta de Saloon.

Snaring the top spot is not a surprising choice if you’ve ever spent any time in the Boston area…The Fours is a raucously energetic two-story bonanza of food, sports and alcohol, a priceless institution that just keeps on giving. LAist doesn’t quibble with the choice one bit. But as we glanced at the rest of the Mr. Ballard's "research", our furtive gaze became increasingly desperate. City names flashed hopelessly by: San Leandro, Detroit, Milwaukee, Tempe, Spokane…(Spokane? Really? They cannot be serious!)

And there were still more…Chicago, Houston, Henderson, Kansas City, Phoenix, even Madison, Wisconsin made the list. Still no Los Angeles.

Sweat was now pouring down our furrowed brow. We could feel the anger, shame and resentment building and rising deep within the recesses of our mind…The heart beat faster, the breaths were shorter…the metronomic pounding in our skull was getting worse and worse when suddenly there it was.

The National. Rank: Number 25. Anaheim. A quick nugget from the survey:

“Across the street from Angel Stadium stands one of Southern California’s most popular watering holes…The place is laid out like a baseball diamond, with real stadium seats (signed by various sports figures) and a bar areas where the infield would be.”

Ah, sweet justice! We’re Number 25!

But after the adrenaline faded, and the champagne corks had long been popped, LAist couldn’t help but take a more maudlin, realistic look at our own sobering state of the union. 25th? Were we really that mediocre? Hell, if it wasn’t for Anaheim we wouldn’t have made the list at all! Frankly, LAist hopes this post serves as motivation for every single sports bar proprietor in the greater metropolitan Los Angeles area. Clearly, we’ve got a lot of work to do to improve these numbers by next year’s Super Bowl.

The clock is ticking…